Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After a Loss

In the first days after a death, there are people everywhere: casseroles on the counter, relatives on the couch, cards in the mailbox. Then the funeral ends, everyone goes home, and the house gets quiet. For children, this is often when grief really settles in. The weeks and months after a loss are when they most need steady, patient grown-ups, and when those grown-ups are often running on empty themselves.

This guide covers what grief usually looks like in children over time, the everyday things that help most, and how to know when a child needs more support. It draws on long-term research with bereaved families and on guidance from child grief organizations.

What Grief Looks Like in Children Over Time

It comes and goes. Children often grieve in short bursts. A child may be tearful at breakfast and laughing with friends an hour later. That doesn’t mean they’re over it or that they didn’t care. It’s how young minds handle something too big to hold all at once.

It often shows up as behavior, not words. You may see clinginess, trouble sleeping, stomachaches, anger over small things, acting younger than their age, trouble focusing at school, or worry that someone else will die. Many children don’t connect these feelings to the loss, so they can’t tell you why they’re upset.

It can come back as they grow. A child who lost a parent at four will understand the loss differently at eight, and again at fourteen. Grief often resurfaces at new ages and big milestones, like a first day of school, a graduation, or a wedding. This is normal. Each time, they’re making sense of the loss with a more grown-up mind.

The Everyday Things That Help Most

One of the best-studied programs for grieving families, the Family Bereavement Program, followed parentally bereaved children for as long as 15 years. It focused on strengthening simple, everyday parenting, like caregiver warmth and consistent discipline, alongside helping children cope. In a randomized trial, families who took part saw fewer emotional and behavior problems in their children years later, and the parents themselves had less depression. The encouraging message for families: the ordinary things you do every day really matter.

Keep routines as steady as you can

Regular meals, bedtimes, school, and activities tell a child that their world is still safe, even though something huge has changed. You don’t need to be perfect, just predictable. Keep the usual family rules, too. Kind, consistent limits are comforting, not cruel.

Make time to be close

Warmth doesn’t have to mean big talks. It’s ten minutes of undivided attention at bedtime, a hug at the door, noticing what they did well, and doing small, happy things together again. These moments tell a child they’re still loved and looked after.

Keep the door open to talk

Say the person’s name. Share a funny story. Let children see that it’s okay to miss someone out loud. Answer questions simply and honestly, even when they’re repeated many times, which is common with younger children. If a child doesn’t want to talk, that’s okay. Side-by-side activities, like a car ride, baking, or coloring together, often make it easier.

Let all the feelings be okay

Sadness, anger, guilt, relief, even happiness can all be part of grief. Help children name what they feel, and show them safe ways to let it out, like drawing, running outside, punching a pillow, or writing a letter to the person who died. Gently correct any belief that the death was their fault. Young children in particular sometimes worry that something they said or thought caused it.

Keeping the Connection

Researchers from the Harvard Child Bereavement Study found that grieving children don’t simply “let go” of the person who died. Many keep an inner connection with them, talking to them, thinking about what they would say, and keeping their memory part of daily life. Grief researchers call these continuing bonds, and for many children they bring real comfort.

You can support that connection in simple ways:

• A memory box with photos, a piece of clothing, a favorite item, or cards from the funeral
• Keeping a funeral program in their memory box. Many children treasure it later.
• Sharing stories at dinner or bedtime: “Grandpa would have loved this.”
• Letters or drawings for the person who died, which the memory book has pages for
• Small rituals, like lighting a candle, making their favorite recipe, or visiting a special place

Helping at School

Let your child’s teacher and school counselor know about the death, and ask them to tell you if they notice changes. Grieving children often have trouble concentrating, and their grades may dip for a while. It helps if teachers know to go gently, give a little extra time, and allow a quiet break if a wave of sadness hits in class. Ask your child how much they’d like classmates to know. Some want it shared, and others want school to feel normal. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students offers free guidance you can pass along to teachers.

Planning for the Hard Days

Birthdays, holidays, Mother’s or Father’s Day, and the anniversary of the death are often the hardest days. Talk ahead of time about what might feel good, like keeping an old tradition, starting a new one, or doing something to remember the person. Let children help choose. And expect that the days leading up to an anniversary can be harder than the day itself.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

You may be grieving the same person while holding everyone else together. The family research above found that when parents were doing better, their children did better, too. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s part of taking care of your child. Accept help with meals and rides, get rest when you can, and consider a grief support group for yourself. It’s also okay for your child to see you sad, as long as they also see that you’re still there to care for them.

When a Child Needs More Help

Most grieving children, with love and steady routines, gradually adjust. Talk with your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a grief professional if, after the first few months, a child:

• Still has ongoing trouble sleeping, eating, or at school
• Seems stuck in intense sadness, anger, or fear that isn’t easing
• Withdraws from friends and activities they used to enjoy
• Has constant worry about their own death or someone else’s
• Avoids anything that reminds them of the person, or is very distressed by reminders
• Starts using alcohol or drugs, or takes serious risks (for teens)

If a child talks about wanting to die, wanting to be with the person who died, or hurting themselves, get help right away. In the U.S., call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.

Free Help for Grieving Children and Families

• Dougy Center: free tip sheets by age and topic, activities, and a directory of peer grief support groups, in English and Spanish
• Coalition to Support Grieving Students: free videos and handouts for teachers and school staff
• Sesame Street in Communities: free videos and activities for young children, including a section on grief
• Comfort Zone Camp: free bereavement camps for children ages 7 to 17
• Your local hospice: many offer free grief groups for children and families, even if your loved one wasn’t in their care

More from us: Should Children Attend a Funeral? and Helping Children Understand Hospice and Death.

Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical or mental health provider. This guide is general information based on published research and guidance from child grief organizations. It is not therapy, medical advice, or a substitute for support from a pediatrician, counselor, or grief professional who knows your child. Every child and family is different, so please use what fits and leave the rest. If you’re worried about a child’s safety or wellbeing, contact a professional right away.

See all our free printables for families, including the memory book and coloring pages for grieving kids.

Sources

• Sandler, I., Tein, J.-Y., Zhang, N., Wolchik, S. A., et al. (2023). Developmental pathways of the Family Bereavement Program to prevent major depression 15 years later. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Link
• Strengthening effective parenting practices over the long-term: Effects of a preventive intervention for parentally bereaved families. Link
• Sandler, I., Tein, J.-Y., Cham, H., Wolchik, S., & Ayers, T. (2016). Long-term effects of the Family Bereavement Program on spousally bereaved parents. PubMed
• Silverman, P. R., Nickman, S., & Worden, J. W. (1992). Detachment revisited: The child’s reconstruction of a dead parent. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 62(4), 494–503.
• Dougy Center. Grief resources for kids, parents, and supporters. dougy.org