The First Holidays After a Loss: A Gentle Guide for Grieving Families

The first Thanksgiving. The first Christmas morning. The first time the family gathers and one chair is empty. If someone you love has died this year, whether a spouse, a parent, a child, a brother or sister, a grandparent, or a dear friend, the holidays can feel less like a celebration and more like something to survive.

There is no right way to do this. Some families hold tight to every tradition. Some change everything. Many do a little of both. This guide walks through what research shows about grief and special days, and what helps: deciding together, including the person you miss, caring for grieving children, and giving yourself permission to do less.

Why the First Holidays Are So Hard

Holidays are built on tradition and togetherness, which is exactly what makes a loss feel so loud. Every familiar song, recipe, and ornament can carry a memory. And the rest of the world is cheerful, which can make grief feel lonely.

What we know from research

• Special days really are harder, especially at first. A large study of widowed older adults found they had a harder time emotionally in the month of their late spouse’s birthday, in January right after the holidays, and in June, a month full of anniversaries and graduations. This was true in the first six months after the loss, and had eased by a year and a half.
• Grief can come rushing back. Psychiatrists Sidney Zisook and Katherine Shear describe how meaningful dates, like holidays, can “reawaken” the sharp pain of early grief, even after it has started to soften. Grief experts call this an anniversary reaction, and it’s completely normal.
• Brief waves are normal for years. A national study of widowed people found that short, strong waves of grief, often lasting a few hours or less, were common, and still happened for some people many years later.
• Staying connected is healthy. Grief doesn’t mean letting go. Researchers have found that staying connected to the person who died is a natural, often comforting part of grief. Including them in the holidays is one way to do that.

Much of this research comes from studies of widowed spouses, but these waves of grief around special days happen with every kind of loss. Many grieving people say the days leading up to a holiday are harder than the day itself. Knowing that ahead of time can help. When the wave comes, it isn’t a setback. It’s grief doing what grief does.

Plan Ahead, Together

You don’t have to decide everything, and you don’t have to decide alone. A short family conversation a few weeks before can take a lot of pressure off the day itself. For each tradition, ask:

• Keep it: Does this still bring comfort? Some traditions feel like a way to stay close to them.
• Change it: Would it hurt less if it looked a little different? A new place, a new time, or a smaller gathering.
• Start something new: Is there a new tradition that could honor them, or simply give this year a different shape?

Let everyone have a voice, including children. It’s okay if people want different things. You might keep the big dinner but skip the gift exchange, or go somewhere new for Christmas morning. Whatever you choose this year doesn’t have to be forever.

Ways to Include the One You Miss

Many families find comfort in making room for their person, rather than trying not to mention them. Some ideas:

• Light a candle at the table or by their photo, and let anyone who wants to say a few words.
• Make their recipe, whether it was the stuffing, the pie, or the thing only they liked.
• A memory stocking or jar: everyone writes a favorite memory on a slip of paper, and you read them together.
• A special ornament with their photo, their handwriting, or something that was theirs.
• Give in their name: a donation, a toy drive gift, or a meal for someone in need, for a cause they cared about.
• Tell the stories. Say their name. Most people are grateful when someone else goes first.

Helping Children Through the Holidays

Children often feel the holidays with a strange mix of excitement and sadness, and they may feel guilty for enjoying presents or treats. Research on grieving kids keeps finding the same things help: steady routines, warmth, and honest talk about the person who died. Some ways to put that into practice:

• Tell them what to expect: what will be the same, what will be different, and who will be there.
• Let them help choose one way to include the person who died, like hanging an ornament or picking a song.
• Keep some routines steady, like bedtimes and a few familiar traditions.
• Tell them it’s okay to have fun. Being happy on a holiday doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten.
• Give the teacher a heads-up before holiday crafts and cards, especially if a class project involves the person who died.
• Watch for grief showing up sideways, as grumpiness, meltdowns, or stomachaches around the big days.

The holiday planner has a page just for kids. For deeper support, our free Carrying You With Me workbooks for kids and teens each include pages for special days and hard dates. Our guides When a Child Loses a Parent and When a Child Loses a Brother or Sister cover birthdays, milestones, and other hard days too.

Gentle Words for Family and Friends

People who love you may not know what you need, so it helps to tell them. You might say:

• “We’re keeping it small this year. Thank you for understanding.”
• “Please talk about her. We love hearing her name.”
• “I may need to step out for a few minutes. I’ll be okay.”
• “We’re not sending cards this year, but we’re so grateful for you.”

Give Yourself Permission

You are allowed to do less. You’re allowed to skip the party, leave early, order the pie instead of baking it, cry in the kitchen, or laugh at the table. You’re allowed to change your mind at the last minute. The planner includes a holiday permission slip, because sometimes it helps to see it in writing.

The Little Things That Catch You Off Guard

Often it isn’t the big dinner that undoes us. It’s the small things: a holiday card still addressed to them, their name on last year’s gift list, a song in the grocery store, reaching for their favorite ornament. Expect a few of these. When one comes, pause, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. It’s a sign of how much they mattered.

After the Holidays, Too

The research above found that January, the month after the holidays, can be one of the harder times. When the decorations come down and everyone goes home, the quiet can hit hard. Plan something gentle for the weeks after, too: a lunch with a friend, a walk, a call with someone who knew them.

Other Hard Days Through the Year

The first year brings many firsts: their birthday, the anniversary of their death, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, a wedding anniversary, and the start of a new school year. The same ideas work for each one: plan ahead a little, decide together, find a small way to include them, and let the day be what it is.

Taking Care of Yourself

Rest when you can. Eat something. Get outside, even for a few minutes. Lean on people who let you be sad. Many hospices and grief centers offer free holiday grief gatherings or remembrance services in November and December, even if your loved one wasn’t in their care.

If the holidays bring more than sadness, like feeling hopeless, unable to function, or thinking about not wanting to be here, please reach out right away. In the U.S., call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time, or call 911 in an emergency.

Free Help

• Dougy Center: free tip sheets for grieving children, teens, and families, and a directory of support groups
• National Alliance for Children’s Grief: find children’s grief programs near you
• The Compassionate Friends: support for families after the death of a child, including a worldwide candle lighting each December
• Your local hospice: many offer free grief support and holiday remembrance events to the whole community
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7

More from us: When a Child Loses a Parent, When a Child Loses a Brother or Sister, Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After, Words of Comfort for a Widow, and Poems for the Grieving Heart.

Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical or mental health provider. This guide and the holiday planner are general information and comfort based on published research and guidance from grief organizations. They are not therapy or a substitute for support from a counselor or grief professional. If you’re worried about your own or someone else’s safety, contact a professional right away.

Download the free holiday planner (PDF) · See all our free printables for families

These resources are free, always. If they helped your family and you’d like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift here.

Sources

• Carr, D., Sonnega, J., Nesse, R. M., & House, J. S. (2014). Do special occasions trigger psychological distress among older bereaved spouses? An empirical assessment of clinical wisdom. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 69(1), 113–122. PMC
• Zisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry, 8(2), 67–74.
• Carnelley, K. B., Wortman, C. B., Bolger, N., & Burke, C. T. (2006). The time course of grief reactions to spousal loss: Evidence from a national probability sample. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 476–492.
• Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis.
• When a parent dies: A scoping review of protective and risk processes for childhood bereavement (2024). Death Studies. PMC
• Dougy Center. Grief resources for kids, parents, and supporters. dougy.org