When a Parent Dies by Homicide or Violence: Helping Your Child

When a parent is killed by another person, or dies in a sudden act of violence, a family is thrown into more than grief. There’s shock, fear, anger, police and court proceedings, news coverage, and questions that may never have good answers. And in the middle of it all, there’s a child who needs to understand what happened and to feel safe again.

If this is your family, we are so deeply sorry. This guide walks through what child grief and trauma research and experts recommend: how to tell a child, how violent loss can affect children differently, how to protect them from the news and the rumors, what to expect from the legal process, the financial help many families never hear about, and where to find specialized support.

First, Safety

After a violent death, children often wonder, silently, “Could that happen to me? Could it happen to you?” Before anything else, help your child feel safe. Tell them what adults are doing to keep them safe: “The police are working on this. We are safe here. I’m going to keep you safe.” If there is a real safety concern for your family, work closely with law enforcement and a victim advocate, and tell your child only what they need to know to feel protected.

Telling Your Child: What the Research Shows

It’s natural to want to shield a child from something this terrible. But research and child trauma experts point in the same direction:

• Open, honest communication protects children. In a study of bereaved children, those who saw their surviving parent as open to talking about the death had significantly lower levels of depression and anxiety. Other studies of grieving families have found that good parent-child communication is linked to fewer depressive and grief symptoms in children.
• Silence can make it scarier. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) explains that not talking about a violent event can make it feel even more threatening to a child, as if it’s too horrible to speak about. Children cope better when they have the facts.
• But more isn’t always better. Honest doesn’t mean graphic, and it doesn’t mean constant. One study of recently bereaved children found that more frequent talk about the parent’s death was linked to more trauma symptoms. What seems to matter is the quality of the conversation: warm, truthful, and led by the child’s questions and readiness, not pushed on them.
• Exposure to disturbing details causes harm. The NCTSN warns that watching media coverage of traumatic events increases children’s risk of posttraumatic stress reactions, and that repeatedly recounting details of a death can be harmful to children.

In short: tell the truth, simply, with warmth. Protect them from graphic details and from the news. Let them lead with their questions.

How to Tell Them, Step by Step

Before you begin

If you can, take a few minutes to steady yourself first, and have another trusted adult with you. It’s okay if you cry. Your child doesn’t need you to be calm and composed. They need you to be honest and present. Choose a quiet, private place, and try to tell them before they hear it from anyone else.

1. Start with what they already know

Especially with older children and teens, begin by asking: “What have you heard about what happened?” Children may have already picked up pieces from phone calls, relatives, or social media. This lets you gently correct anything frightening or untrue.

2. Share the basic truth in simple words

Use the words “died” and “dead,” and say simply that another person caused it. You might say:

• For young children (about 3 to 6): “Daddy died. Someone hurt his body very badly, and his body stopped working. He can’t come back, and that’s very, very sad.”
• For school-age children (about 7 to 12): “Daddy died last night. Another person hurt him on purpose, and his injuries were too bad for the doctors to fix. The police are working to find out exactly what happened.”
• For teens: Teens need more of the facts, and they will likely find them anyway. Tell them honestly what is known, including that it was a homicide, and what the next steps are. Ask what questions they have, and tell them you’ll share new information as you learn it.

3. Right away, say that they are safe

“I am safe. You are safe. The police are working to keep everyone safe.” Say it clearly, and say it again as often as they need to hear it.

4. Say it was not their fault, or their parent’s

“The person who did this made a terrible choice. It was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. And it was not Daddy’s fault.” Children often secretly wonder whether they could have prevented it.

5. Leave out graphic details

Children don’t need to know how many times, with what, or what the injuries looked like. If they ask directly, answer simply and truthfully without frightening images: “He was hurt with a gun,” rather than a description. You can always share more later, as they grow and ask.

6. Invite questions, and follow their lead

“You can ask me anything, any time. If you hear something from someone else, come ask me, and I will always tell you the truth.” Then let them lead. Some children ask many questions right away; others go quiet, and come back weeks later. Both are normal. “I don’t know yet” is an honest answer too.

7. Expect to tell it again as they grow

Children understand more at each new age. A four-year-old told “someone hurt Daddy’s body” will need a fuller, truthful story at nine, and again at fifteen. Keep each piece true, so you never have to take anything back.

What to avoid

• Don’t make up a different cause of death, like an accident or heart attack. Children very often learn the truth later, and it can damage their trust when they need it most.
• Don’t press them to retell what happened over and over, or to describe what they saw. Let them talk when they’re ready, and leave the processing of traumatic memories to a trained professional.
• Don’t leave the news on, or discuss graphic details within earshot, even when you think they aren’t listening.

If the person responsible is someone they know

If the person responsible is a relative, family friend, or the child’s other parent, telling them is even more complex. Be truthful and simple: “Uncle ___ hurt Mommy, and she died. What he did was very wrong. The police are taking care of it, and you are safe.” If at all possible, talk with a trauma-trained professional or a victim advocate before or soon after you tell them. They can help you plan what to say and support your child afterward.

If your child saw or heard it

Children who witnessed the violence, found their parent, heard it happen, or saw frightening images afterward carry a heavier burden. Let them tell you what they saw, at their own pace, without pushing for details. Reassure them that their reactions are normal. And connect with a trauma-trained professional right away, even if they seem okay. Brief, early treatments exist for children in the first weeks after a traumatic event.

How Violent Loss Can Affect Children

Researchers describe a condition called childhood traumatic grief, in which trauma symptoms interfere with a child’s ability to grieve. Instead of being able to remember their parent with love, a child may get stuck on how they died. You might notice:

• Intrusive thoughts or images of the death, or nightmares
• Avoiding anything that reminds them of their parent, even happy memories and photos
• Being jumpy, on high alert, or afraid to be apart from you
• Intense anger, including thoughts of revenge
• Trouble sleeping, concentrating, or keeping up at school
• Replaying the death in play or drawings, over and over

Most children who lose someone do not develop traumatic grief, and many of these reactions ease with time, safety, and support. But if they continue or get worse, specialized help makes a real difference.

There is help that works

The best-studied treatment for traumatized children is Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), which includes both the child and the caregiver. It has been adapted specifically for childhood traumatic grief. In studies of traumatically bereaved children, including children who lost someone to homicide, accidents, suicide, and overdose, children who completed the treatment showed significant improvements in traumatic grief, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and behavior. When you look for a counselor, ask: “Are you trained in trauma-focused therapy for children, like TF-CBT?”

Anger, Hate, and Wanting Revenge

Many children and teens feel intense anger after a violent death, and some imagine the person responsible suffering, or even getting even themselves. Research with families bereaved by homicide shows these feelings are common. Underneath them there is often fear, helplessness, and a deep sense that the world is unfair. What helps is naming the feelings, separating thinking from doing, finding safe outlets, and, for teens, talking honestly about what acting on revenge would really cost. Pushing a child to forgive, or to stop feeling angry, usually backfires. Both of our workbooks include pages on this, and teens will find a page on handling pressure from others to retaliate.

If a child or teen talks about a plan to hurt someone, or can’t stop thinking about it, get help from a counselor right away.

Everyday Ways to Help

• Keep routines steady. Predictable meals, bedtimes, and school tell a child the world still works.
• Stay close. Extra comfort, a nightlight, or sleeping nearby for a while is okay. Children often need more closeness after a frightening loss.
• Help them remember the life, not just the death. Share stories, photos, and memories of who their parent was. Their parent is so much more than how they died.
• Let all feelings be okay, including rage, fear, and wanting revenge. Help them find safe ways to let those feelings out, like exercise, drawing, or talking.
• Answer questions honestly, again and again. Children may revisit the story many times as they grow.
• Give them a place for their feelings. Our free kids’ workbook and teen workbook were written for this kind of loss. They never ask a child to describe the death. That work belongs with a trained counselor.

Protecting Your Child From the News and Rumors

A violent death may be covered by local news and talked about online and at school. Because media exposure increases children’s risk of trauma reactions, protecting them from it matters.

• Limit TV news and keep radios off in the car for a while.
• For older kids and teens, talk openly about what they may see online, and consider pausing social media. Ask them to come to you if they see something upsetting.
• Ask the school to watch for rumors and to tell you if classmates are talking about it.
• Help your child practice what to say if others ask: “My dad died. I don’t want to talk about it.” Both workbooks have pages for this.
• You can ask a family friend or victim advocate to handle media requests for you. The family planner includes a sample family statement.

The Legal Process

After a homicide, families often face months or years of investigation, court dates, and trials, sometimes with no arrest at all. This can keep grief raw for a long time.

• Ask for a victim advocate. Most prosecutor’s offices and many police departments have victim-witness advocates who explain the process, keep families informed, and connect them with services.
• Decide together, carefully, about court. Whether a child attends hearings or a trial depends on their age, what will be discussed, and what they want. Many families keep young children away from graphic testimony. Talk with the advocate and your child’s counselor first.
• Prepare children for outcomes. Explain that court takes a long time, and that the outcome may not feel fair. Children may feel crushed if there’s no arrest, or an outcome that feels too light.
• Feelings about the person responsible can be intense, and they may change over time. Don’t pressure a child to forgive, or to hate. Let them feel what they feel, and keep talking.
• Stay informed. VINE, a free notification service available in most states, can alert you if an offender in custody is released or transferred.

When the Person Responsible Is Someone the Child Knows

In domestic homicide, a child may lose both parents at once: one to death, and the other to prison or separation. Children may feel love, anger, confusion, and loyalty all at the same time, and that’s normal.

• Children in this situation need a trauma-trained professional, as early as possible.
• Safety, custody, and guardianship decisions are made by the courts. A victim advocate and a family law attorney can help.
• Let the child know it’s okay to have mixed feelings, and that none of this was their fault.
• If you or anyone in the home is in danger, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or call 911.

Financial Help Many Families Never Hear About

Every state has a Crime Victim Compensation program. For families of homicide victims, these programs can help pay for funeral and burial costs, counseling for family members, including children, and lost financial support. Some programs also cover crime scene cleanup, relocation for safety, and child care. An arrest or conviction is not required.

• Apply in the state where the crime happened. The National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards has a directory of every state program.
• Programs are a “payer of last resort,” meaning they help with costs not covered by insurance or other benefits, and each state sets its own limits.
• There are deadlines, so ask your victim advocate or funeral director about applying as early as you can. The family planner has a worksheet to keep track.
• Children of a parent who worked may also qualify for Social Security survivor benefits.

We’re not legal or financial advisors. Please check with your state’s program, a victim advocate, or an attorney about your family’s situation.

The Funeral and Saying Goodbye

After a violent death, there may be delays before a funeral while the investigation continues, and an open casket may not be possible. Children can still say goodbye in meaningful ways: placing a drawing or letter in the casket, choosing a photo for the service, lighting a candle, or writing a few words of their own to share. Our guide Should Children Attend a Funeral? walks through how to prepare them.

Taking Care of Yourself

You may be carrying your own grief and trauma, dealing with police and courts, and caring for a frightened child, all at once. Many adults bereaved by homicide find deep comfort in support groups with others who truly understand. Trauma-focused therapy helps adults, too. When you take care of yourself, you’re also taking care of your child.

When to Get Help Right Away

Reach out to a trauma-trained professional as early as you can after a violent death, especially if a child witnessed it. And get help right away if a child:

• Talks about wanting to die, wanting to be with their parent, or hurting themselves
• Talks about hurting someone else, or has a plan for revenge
• Is being pressured to retaliate, or has access to a weapon
• Can’t sleep, eat, or function for more than a few weeks
• Starts using alcohol or drugs, or takes serious risks

In the U.S., call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line, or call 911 in an emergency.

Free Help and Specialized Support

• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): free fact sheets for families, including helping your child after a family homicide loss, and information on trauma-focused treatment
• Dougy Center: free resources for children and families after a violent death, plus a directory of grief support groups
• Parents Of Murdered Children (POMC): support for families and friends of those who have died by violence
• National Center for Victims of Crime: information and referrals for crime victims and their families
• Crime Victim Compensation: find your state’s program
• National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG): find children’s grief programs near you
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Your local prosecutor’s office: ask for the victim-witness advocate

More from us: When a Child Loses a Parent: A Complete Guide for Families and Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After.

Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical, mental health, legal, or financial provider. This guide and our printables are general information based on published research and guidance from child grief, trauma, and victim services organizations. They are not therapy, legal, or financial advice, or a substitute for support from a trauma-trained professional, victim advocate, or attorney. Every child and family is different. If you or your child are in danger, call 911.

These resources are free, always. If they helped your family and you’d like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift here. See all our free printables for families.

Sources

• Raveis, V. H., Siegel, K., & Karus, D. (1999). Children’s psychological distress following the death of a parent. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28. Link
• Shapiro, D., Howell, K., & Kaplow, J. (2014). Associations among mother–child communication quality, childhood maladaptive grief, and depressive symptoms. Death Studies, 38, 172–178. Link
• Communication and psychopathology in parentally bereaved children (University of Michigan). Link
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Talking to children about mass violence. Link
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network. Childhood traumatic grief: Information for the media. Link
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network. The power of parenting: Helping your child after a family homicide loss. Link
• Cohen, J. A., Mannarino, A. P., Greenberg, T., Padlo, S., & Shipley, C. (2002). Childhood traumatic grief: Concepts and controversies. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse. Link
• Cohen, J. A., Mannarino, A. P., & Knudsen, K. (2004). Treating childhood traumatic grief: A pilot study. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. PubMed
• Trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy for children and adolescents: Assessing the evidence (2014). PubMed
• Boelen, P. A., van Denderen, M., & de Keijser, J. (2016). Prolonged grief, posttraumatic stress, anger, and revenge phenomena following homicidal loss. Homicide Studies. Link
• Kaplow, J. B., Layne, C. M., Pynoos, R. S., & Saltzman, W. (2023). Multidimensional Grief Therapy. Cambridge University Press.
• When a parent dies: A scoping review of protective and risk processes for childhood bereavement (2024). Death Studies. Link
• National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards. Victim compensation. nacvcb.org