When a Parent Dies by Homicide or Violence: Helping Your Child

Somewhere in the house, a child keeps asking where Mom or Dad is. And you, the one who has to answer, are still trying to believe it yourself.

I have not lived through a violent loss, and I'd never claim to understand it from the inside. What I can do is gather what the people who sit with these children every week have learned, check every piece of it, and put it in one place, in plain words, so you don't have to go searching for it on the worst night of your life.

You might be the surviving parent, a grandparent, an aunt, an older brother or sister, a foster parent, or a family friend who suddenly has a child in your care. Whoever you are, this is for you. Nobody expects you to take this in one sitting. Read only what tonight asks of you; the rest will keep.

Jump to: The first hours · Telling them the truth · If it's someone they know · If they saw or heard it · How it can affect a child · Anger and fear · News and rumors · The court case · Money and practical help · Saying goodbye · Every family · The grown-ups around them · Everyday things that help · Taking care of you · When to get help now · What can wait

The First Hours: Safe, Fed, Held

Before the right words, a child needs to know three things: who is looking after them, where they will sleep tonight, and that the grown-ups are doing everything they can to keep them safe. Say it plainly, even before they ask. "You're staying with me tonight. I'm right here. The police are working on this, and we are safe in this house."

The police may need to talk with your child first, especially if they were home or saw something. The Dougy Center notes that children are sometimes treated as witnesses and told not to talk about what happened, and that the home may be closed off for a while as a crime scene. Ask the officer or the victim advocate who will speak with your child, whether you can stay close by, and whether someone trained in talking with children can do it.

If home is closed off, gather the small things that matter: the blanket they drag everywhere, a well-loved stuffed animal, a nightlight, school clothes, any medicine. Ask the advocate how to get them. A familiar pillow can do more on the first night than any words.

If the person responsible hasn't been found, a child's fear is real and reasonable. The Dougy Center suggests small, concrete things: checking the locks together at night, naming one safe adult at school, a stuffed animal "on guard" at bedtime. If there is a true safety threat, let the police and advocate guide you, and tell your child only what helps them feel protected.

Telling Them the Truth

Everything in you may want to soften this, or hide it. That's love talking. But when a death is violent, it is usually public. It will be on the news, in group chats, and in the hallway at school. Child grief experts on both sides of the ocean, from the Dougy Center here to Winston's Wish in the UK, say the same thing: a child should hear it first from someone who loves them, not from a stranger or a screen.

Kids left without the truth often fill in the blanks with something worse, and they may decide it was somehow their fault. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) explains that silence can make a violent event feel even more frightening, as if it's too terrible to speak about. Research on grieving children points the same way: when kids feel their parent is open to talking, they tend to do better. What seems to matter most is not how much you say, but how you say it: warm, true, and led by their questions.

Use the real words. "Died" and "dead," not "passed away" or "we lost him," which can confuse a child. Then say simply that another person caused it.

For a young child (about 3 to 6): "I have very sad news. Mommy died. Someone hurt her body so badly that it stopped working. She can't come back. It's not your fault, and I'm going to take care of you."

For a school-age child (about 7 to 12): "Daddy died last night. Another person hurt him on purpose, and the doctors couldn't fix his injuries. The police are working to find out everything that happened. You can ask me anything."

For a teen: Teens will find the details on their own, often within hours. Tell them what is known, including the word homicide or murder if that's what it is, and what happens next. Ask what they've already seen or heard. Promise to tell them new things as you learn them, and keep that promise.

Begin by asking what they already know. "What have you heard about what happened?" It lets you gently correct something frightening or untrue before you go on.

Say right away that it wasn't their fault, or their parent's. "The person who did this made a terrible choice. Nothing you did or said caused it. You could not have stopped it."

Leave out the graphic parts. A child doesn't need to know how many times, or what the injuries looked like. If they ask directly how it happened, answer simply and truthfully, without pictures in the words: "Someone used a gun," or "Someone hurt her with a knife." That is honest, and it's enough.

Never make up a different cause, like a car accident or a heart attack. Children almost always learn the truth later, often from someone else, and it can break their trust at the very time they need you most.

The truth can come in pieces

You don't have to tell the whole story in one sitting. Winston's Wish describes building a child's understanding in steps, over minutes, months or even years: first that the person died, then simple facts about how, then that someone caused it, then more detail as they're ready, then what happens next, and finally who is responsible or what's being done to find them.

Make every piece true, so nothing ever has to be taken back. A four-year-old who hears "someone hurt Daddy's body" will need a fuller story at nine, and again at fifteen. If you decide they aren't ready for more yet, you can tell them that: "There's more I'll tell you when you're older. I promise." Then keep that promise.

And when you don't know something, say that too. "I don't know yet. When I find out, I'll tell you." Children can live with "I don't know." What hurts them is finding out they were told something that wasn't so.

They may ask the same questions again and again

Children can only absorb a little at a time, the Dougy Center explains, so the same question may come back at bedtime, in the car, or in the middle of a game. It doesn't mean you explained it badly. Give the same simple, honest answer each time. It is how they slowly make sense of it.

When the Person Responsible Is Someone They Know

This may be the hardest situation any family faces. When one parent, a stepparent, a relative or a family friend caused the death, a child may lose two people at once: one to death, and one to prison, flight, or their own death. They can love that person and be terrified of them, both on the same day.

Tell them early where they will live and who will care for them. A guide for families after a domestic violence murder-suicide, from Georgia's family violence commission, puts this near the top of the list. Children need to know what happens to them before they can take in much else.

Be truthful, simple, and careful about blame. "Uncle Ray hurt Mommy, and she died. What he did was very wrong. The police are handling it, and you are safe." The same Georgia guide asks adults not to speak badly about either parent. Children may quietly worry that they will turn out "bad" too, or that half of them came from someone who did this. Help them hear that they are their own person, and that what happened was a choice someone else made.

If it was a murder-suicide, you may need to explain two deaths at once. The Georgia guide offers words like these: "He used a gun to make her body stop working, and then he made his own body stop working." Keep it that simple, and let their questions lead.

Get help from a trauma-trained counselor as early as you can, ideally before or soon after you tell them. Custody, guardianship and visits are decided by the courts, so lean on a victim advocate and, if you can, a family lawyer or the free self-help center at your courthouse.

About money: children can still receive Social Security survivor benefits on the record of the parent who died. Federal rules say a person convicted of intentionally causing someone's death can't collect survivor benefits on that person's record. If you're raising the children, you can ask Social Security about becoming their representative payee.

If you or anyone in the home is still in danger, call 911, or reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788).

If Your Child Saw or Heard It

Some children were in the next room. Some found their parent. Some heard it on the phone, or saw the pictures afterward. They carry a heavier load, and it often doesn't show right away.

When they're ready to describe what they saw, let it come at their own pace, and don't press for details. Say that whatever they feel is normal. And tell them clearly, more than once, that none of this was their fault, and nothing they did could have changed it. Winston's Wish notes that children who witnessed a death need to hear this especially.

Please don't wait to see whether they "bounce back." Connect them with a trauma-trained counselor right away, even if they seem fine. Children often hold things in to protect the grown-ups around them, and early help can make a real difference.

What Violent Loss Can Do to a Child

Most children who lose a parent, even this way, grieve and slowly find their footing with love, safety and time. But some get stuck. Researchers call it childhood traumatic grief: the way the person died crowds out the child's ability to remember the person they loved.

You might notice nightmares, or pictures of the death that pop into their head. Some steer away from anything connected to their parent, even happy photos. They may be jumpy, clingy, or terrified to let you out of sight. Some act the death out in play or drawings, over and over. Some can't sleep, can't focus at school, or seem far away. A burst of anger that comes out of nowhere can be part of it too.

If these signs linger, or get worse, there is help that works. The most studied treatment is Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), which includes the caregiver in the sessions, and a version of it was built specifically for childhood traumatic grief. In studies of children grieving a traumatic death, children who finished the treatment had fewer traumatic grief, stress and depression symptoms. When you call a counselor, ask: "Are you trained in a trauma-focused therapy for children, like TF-CBT?" You can search for a certified therapist at tfcbt.org.

And if the first counselor isn't a good fit, NCTSN's guide for families after a homicide says it plainly: it's fine to try someone else. Not all therapy is the same.

One more thing NCTSN wants families to know: needs often grow in the second year, just when the casseroles stop and people assume you're "past it." If your child seems to be struggling more a year on, that isn't a step backward. It's common, and it's a good time to ask for help again.

Anger, Fear, and Wanting Revenge

A child whose parent was killed may feel a rage that scares the adults around them. They may picture the person responsible suffering. A teen may talk about getting even. Research with families bereaved by homicide shows these feelings are common, and underneath them there is usually helplessness, and a world that suddenly makes no sense.

The Dougy Center offers a simple line that helps: separate the feeling from the action. "You are so angry right now, and that makes sense. It's not okay to hurt anyone or anything." Then give the anger somewhere safe to go. Pillows to punch, blocks to knock down, a run around the yard, clay to smash, a page to scribble on until the crayon breaks. NCTSN's family guide also suggests a safe spot at home where yelling, even swearing, is allowed for a while.

Please don't push a child to forgive, or to hate. Feelings about the person responsible can shift over months and years. Their feelings are theirs. Keep the door open.

With teens, talk honestly about what revenge would really cost, and ask whether friends or anyone else is pressuring them to act. If a teen talks about a plan to hurt someone, or can't stop thinking about it, get help from a counselor right away. If there are weapons in the home, lock them up or have someone you trust keep them somewhere else for now.

When People Talk: News, Rumors, and Hard Words

A violent death often becomes a story other people tell. NCTSN warns that watching news coverage of a traumatic event raises children's risk of trauma reactions, so protecting them from it is worth the effort.

Turn off the TV news and the car radio for a while. Keep the case talk, the phone calls and the speculating to rooms where little ears aren't. With older kids and teens, talk openly about what they may see online. Georgia's guide points out that older children may search their parents' names, so it's kinder to prepare them than to hope they won't. Ask them to come to you with anything that upsets them, and consider a break from social media.

People may assume things. The Dougy Center notes that after a murder, people sometimes jump to guesses about drugs, gangs or "what they were mixed up in." Children hear that. NCTSN adds that hearing anyone suggest the person caused their own death brings fresh pain. Answer it with love: tell your child what you loved about their parent, what made them laugh, what they were good at. Their parent is so much more than the way they died.

If there's a hard truth about their parent, such as drug use or something that came out in the news, Winston's Wish encourages honesty here too, told gently and at their level. A child who hears it from you, along with "and I loved her, and she loved you," is better protected than one who hears it on the playground.

Practice what they can say. The Dougy Center suggests role-playing it together. Something as simple as "My dad died. I'd rather not talk about it" is enough. Their story belongs to them; nobody is owed it.

If reporters call, you don't have to speak to them. A trusted friend or the victim advocate can handle requests for you. And it's all right to ask friends and family not to post photos of your child or details about the case online.

The Long Road of the Case

After a homicide, the investigation and court case can take months or years. Sometimes no one is arrested at all. Some families, the Dougy Center has found, put their grief on hold until a trial ends, and then feel let down, because no verdict can bring their person back.

Ask for a victim advocate. Most prosecutors' offices, and many police departments, have one. They explain each step, tell you when hearings are, and connect you to help.

Decide about court carefully, together. Whether a child goes to hearings depends on their age, what will be said in the room, and what they want. Many families keep young children away from testimony about the death. Talk it over with the advocate and your child's counselor first. Our Going to Court checklist can help you get ready for the adult side of it.

Your child's voice can be heard, if they want that. Many states let family members tell the judge how the loss changed their lives before sentencing, and some prosecutors' offices have impact statement packets made just for children, where they can write or draw. Ask the advocate what your state allows. It should always be your child's choice, never an expectation.

Prepare them for an outcome that may not feel fair. Explain that court is slow, that it may not end the way anyone hopes, and that whatever happens, it doesn't change how much their parent mattered. Tell them the results yourself, in simple words, before they hear it somewhere else.

Stay informed without having to keep checking. VINE is a free, confidential notification service used in many states that can alert you if someone in custody is released or moved. Your advocate can tell you if your state uses it, and whether the prison system has its own sign-up too.

If no one has been charged, or the case has gone quiet, our post When the Loss Was Someone Else's Fault covers cold cases, plea deals and court days in more depth.

Money and Practical Help

Money is the last thing on your mind right now, I know. Still, a few things help to know early, because they can take real weight off your shoulders.

Each state runs a crime victim compensation program. For families of homicide victims, these programs can help with costs like the funeral and burial, counseling, and lost income. The National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards is clear that an arrest or conviction is not required. Programs usually ask that the crime be reported to police and that the family cooperate with the investigation, and many states make exceptions for children. They pay after insurance and other help, each state sets its own limits, and there are deadlines, so ask your advocate about applying soon. Applications go to the state where the crime took place; NACVCB has a directory of every state program.

If their parent worked, the children may qualify for Social Security survivor benefits. Contact Social Security soon; the person raising the children usually applies for them.

For a grandparent or other relative suddenly raising the children, our First Steps sheet was written for a different loss, but its pages on who can sign school and medical forms, guardianship, Medicaid and child-only cash help, and finding a kinship navigator apply here too. Calling or texting 211 can connect you to local help with food, rent and child care.

Saying Goodbye

After a violent death, the funeral may be delayed while the medical examiner and police finish their work, and an open casket may not be possible. Our funeral guide for a traumatic loss walks through those first decisions.

Children can still say goodbye in ways that matter to them: a drawing or letter tucked into the casket, choosing a song or a photo, lighting a candle, or saying a few words of their own. The Dougy Center suggests offering small choices wherever you can, like who they'd like to sit with, because a child who feels powerless gets a little steadier with each one. Should Children Attend a Funeral? can help you get them ready for the day.

For Every Family

If it happened in a mass shooting or a public attack, your child may see the event on the news for months, and on every anniversary. Everything about limiting media matters even more. The National Mass Violence Center gathers what's known about helping families and communities after mass violence.

If the death happened during an encounter with police, or in custody, or the facts are being argued in public, children may hear many versions. Tell them what is known, what is still being looked into, and that you will keep telling them the truth as you learn it.

If the parent died in prison or jail, the same honest words apply. Our prison family guide has a printable for helping children of every age.

If your child moved into foster care or kinship care, ask the caseworker right away about grief and trauma counseling, keepsakes from home, and staying in touch with brothers and sisters.

For a child with autism, a developmental disability, or a hard time with words, keep the explanation short, concrete, and the same each time. Pictures, a simple written story about what happened and what will happen now, and a calm routine can help more than talking.

If your family speaks another language at home, or a family member is Deaf or hard of hearing, ask for an interpreter at the police station, the hospital and the courthouse. Don't let a child become the family's interpreter for news like this.

Every kind of family belongs here: two moms or two dads, a stepparent, a parent who wasn't married, a parent who lived in another home. The words still work. Use the names your child uses.

Faith, or no faith. Some children find comfort in prayer, scripture or a faith leader. Others question everything they believed, and the Dougy Center notes that's common after a murder. Both are all right. Nobody expects you to answer "Why did God let this happen?" "I wonder that too" is honest.

The Grown-Ups Around Your Child

After a violent death, a child hears from a lot of adults: relatives at the funeral, neighbors, coaches, teachers, the babysitter, people from church. One well-meaning person can undo days of careful, gentle work with a single sentence or a news clip on their phone.

It helps to tell everyone the same few things. What your child has been told, in your family's words. What not to say in front of them. How to respond when your child asks something they can't answer. We made a two-page sheet for exactly this (below), so you can fill it in once and hand it to anyone who spends time with your child. For school, our Note for School After a Death in the Family covers teachers and counselors.

The Everyday Things That Help

Keep the days predictable. Breakfast, school, bath, bedtime. NCTSN's family guide says consistency and predictability help restore a child's sense of safety. Leave a little room for bending, so they know their needs still come first.

Stay close. A nightlight, a door left open, a sleeping bag on your floor for a while. Needing more closeness after a frightening loss isn't a step backward.

Remember the life, not only the death. Say their parent's name. Tell the stories. Play their music. Ask your child which photos, shirts or small things they'd like to keep, and give young children copies of photos so the originals stay safe.

Make room for play. The Dougy Center notes that children often work through what happened in play, even play that looks violent, like toy cars crashing or dinosaurs fighting. Usually that's healing, not a warning sign. It's worth mentioning to a counselor if the same scene plays out over and over and seems to leave your child more upset, not less.

Mark the hard days together. Their parent's birthday, the anniversary of the death, and court dates too. Cook their favorite dinner, go somewhere they loved, light a candle and each share one memory. Planning ahead makes those days a little less sharp.

Taking Care of You

You're likely carrying your own shock and grief while answering detectives, making calls, and getting a frightened child through bedtime. No one person should have to hold all of that, and you aren't meant to.

NCTSN's family guide says it simply: accept help. Let a neighbor bring dinner, a cousin drive to school, a friend sit in on the calls with the detective. Be gentle with yourself. Children learn how to grieve partly by watching us, so it's fine for them to see you cry and hear you say, "I'm sad, and I'm going to be okay, and so are you."

Many adults bereaved by homicide find their way to people who truly understand. Parents Of Murdered Children supports families and friends of anyone who has died by violence, despite the name. Trauma-focused therapy helps adults too, and our guide After a Sudden or Violent Loss is for your own grief. Caring for yourself is one of the ways you care for them.

When to Get Help Right Away

Reach out to a trauma-trained counselor as soon as you can after a violent death, especially if a child saw or heard it. And please reach out that same day when a young person:

• Says they wish they were dead, or wants to go where their parent is
• Talks about hurting someone, has a plan for revenge, or has access to a weapon
• Is being pressured by others to retaliate
• Still isn't sleeping, eating or managing ordinary days after several weeks
• Turns to alcohol, drugs, or reckless risks

Call or text 988 any time (Spanish, press 2; LGBTQ+ young people, press 3). In an emergency, call 911. The NCTSN family guide for after a homicide and the Dougy Center's tip sheet are both free, and NACG can help you find a children's grief program near you.

What Can Wait

The court case will take its own time, and you can't hurry it. Sorting their parent's things can wait, unless there's a lease deadline. Big decisions about moving can wait unless safety means you have to go. The whole story can wait for the day your child is older and comes asking. Whether to forgive, and whom, can wait as long as it needs to, maybe forever. Tonight, all that has to happen is that a child is safe, fed, and held.

You Don't Have to Have the Answers

Your child may ask why, and there may never be a good answer. That's all right. They aren't really looking for you to explain the unexplainable. They're looking to see if you'll stay, if you'll tell them the truth, and if their parent can still be talked about with love in your house.

You can do that. Not perfectly, and not every day. But a child who has one steady grown-up, telling the truth gently and saying their parent's name out loud, has something to stand on. You are that person. Thank you for being here for them.

More Help

• Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After a Loss
• When a Child Loses a Parent: A Complete Guide for Families
• Supporting a Grieving Teen: What Parents Need to Know
• Should Children Attend a Funeral? A Gentle Guide for Parents
• Widowed Young With Children: The First Year
• Free Grief Resources for Schools and Teachers (to share with your child's school)

Please note: This guide shares general information. It is not medical, mental health, legal or benefits advice, and it can't replace a trauma-trained counselor, a victim advocate or an attorney. Victims' rights, compensation rules and custody decisions vary by state. For your family's situation, ask your victim advocate, your state's compensation program, a lawyer or legal aid office, or your court's self-help center. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Spanish, press 2; LGBTQ+ young people, press 3). In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed