Should Children Attend a Funeral? A Gentle Guide for Parents

It’s one of the first questions parents face after a death in the family, often while they are grieving themselves: should the kids come to the funeral? Some adults remember being kept home as children and wishing they’d been there. Others remember being made to go and feeling scared or resentful. Both memories point to the same lesson, and it’s the one child grief specialists teach too. Whether a child goes matters less than whether they were prepared, and whether they had a choice.

This guide draws on research on bereaved children and on guidance from Dougy Center, the national grief center for children and families. It walks you through how to decide, how to explain what they’ll see, and how to make the day gentler for a child, whether they attend the whole service, part of it, or stay home.

What the Research Says

Studies of children who lost a parent have looked at this question directly. In a 1988 study in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, attending funeral activities did not predict more emotional problems two months after the death, and most children wanted to go. A larger follow-up study of 318 children ages 5 to 17 found that nearly all attended the visitation, funeral, and burial, and that children from families who held no such rituals did less well over the next two years. Researchers have noted that this last finding should be read with some caution, but taken together, the evidence suggests that including children is not harmful and may help.

The same study offers one more useful detail: children who were very upset or acting out during the rituals tended to have more difficulty afterward. That doesn’t mean they should have stayed home. It means a child who has a very hard time at the service may need a little more support in the months that follow.

Child grief specialists add a practical point: age is not the deciding factor. Young children are often less afraid of death and of seeing a body than adults expect. What helps most is inviting children without forcing them. Children who weren’t allowed to go sometimes feel they never got to say goodbye, while children who were made to go against their wishes can feel resentful.

Let Them Choose, After They Know What to Expect

Children can’t make a real choice about something they can’t picture. So before you ask, “Do you want to come?”, describe the day first. Then offer the choice, and make it clear that either answer is okay and that no one will be upset with them.

It also helps to offer more than two options. Many children who don’t want to sit through a whole service are glad to do just one part:

• A private visit before the visitation, when the room is quiet and there’s time to say goodbye without a crowd
• The visitation or viewing, often more relaxed, with people coming and going
• The funeral or memorial service itself
• The graveside service, usually short and outdoors
• The gathering or meal afterward, which can feel comforting and familiar

Very young children can’t weigh a choice like this, so the decision is yours. Many families bring little ones and simply plan for an adult to take them out when they get restless. Most funeral directors are glad to help, too. Ask whether your child can see the room ahead of time.

How to Prepare a Child for the Funeral

Walk them through the day in simple, concrete terms. For many children, the unknown is scarier than the reality. Things worth explaining:

• Where you’re going and how long it will last. “We’ll be at the church for about an hour, and then we’ll drive to the cemetery.”
• The casket or urn. “Grandpa’s body will be in a special box called a casket.” If there was a cremation, explain simply that the body was turned into soft ashes and placed in a container called an urn, and that because the person had died, they didn’t feel anything.
• An open casket, if there is one. Explain that their body will be there, that it will be very still and look different than they remember, that the skin may look pale and feel cool, and that the person can’t see, hear, or feel anymore. Avoid saying the person is “sleeping,” which can make some children afraid of bedtime. Let them know they can look from across the room, come closer holding your hand, or not look at all.
• That people will cry. “A lot of grown-ups will be sad and some will cry. That’s okay. Crying is one way we show we loved someone.” Let them know it’s also okay if they don’t cry, and okay if they laugh at a funny story.
• What will happen during the service. Music, prayers, people standing up to share memories, and a program with pictures.
• The burial, if they’ll be at the graveside. The casket will be lowered into the ground, or placed there to be lowered later.

Invite questions, and answer only what they ask in words they understand. “I don’t know” is an honest answer too. The “Going to the Service” page in the free memory book gives children space to draw or write what they think it will be like and what they want to bring or say. It’s a gentle way to open this conversation, and to hear any worries they haven’t said out loud.

Give Them a Grown-Up Buddy

One of the most helpful things you can do is choose one trusted adult, ideally someone who knows the child well but isn’t in the deepest part of the grief, like a family friend, aunt, or favorite neighbor, whose only job that day is to look after them. If the child needs to step out, gets restless, or becomes upset, a parent doesn’t have to leave the service.

Agree on a quiet signal the child can use to say, “I need a break,” like a squeeze of the hand.

Pack a Small Comfort Bag

A few quiet things can make a long service much easier for young children: a small snack and water, a coloring book or paper and crayons, a soft toy, and tissues of their own. Some children like having a photo of the person who died to hold.

Simple Ways a Child Can Take Part

Being given a role can help children feel included and valued as part of the family, rather than just watched over. Depending on their age and comfort, they might:

• Place a drawing, letter, or small keepsake in the casket
• Choose a flower to lay on the casket or at the graveside
• Hand out funeral programs at the door
• Help pick photos for the slideshow or memory table
• Light a candle, or help choose a favorite song
• Have a drawing or a few of their own words printed in the funeral program

That last one becomes a family keepsake. A child’s drawing looks lovely on the inside page or back cover of a program, and it’s easy to add with our Canva funeral program templates.

If Your Child Stays Home

Children who choose not to attend should never be made to feel they did something wrong, and they can still say goodbye. They might visit the grave or scattering place later with you, look through the funeral program together, light a candle at home at the time of the service, or make a page in their memory book to share with the family. Afterward, tell them about the service: who came, what was said, and a story or two that made people smile. Keep a program for them. Many children treasure it later.

After the Funeral

Expect questions in the days and weeks that follow, sometimes at unexpected moments. A child might ask about the casket at bedtime or play “funeral” with their toys. This is a common way children make sense of what they saw. Answer simply and honestly, keep daily routines as steady as you can, and let them know they can always ask again.

If your family is still preparing for a loss, our guide Helping Children Understand Hospice and Death covers how to talk with kids before and just after a death, and what children understand at different ages.

When to Reach Out for More Support

Grief in children comes and goes, and most children, with love and steady routines, gradually adjust. Talk with your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a grief professional if, weeks or months later, a child is still struggling with sleep, eating, school, or friendships, seems stuck in intense sadness, fear, or anger, withdraws from activities they used to enjoy, or seems very distressed by reminders of the death. If a child talks about wanting to die or to be with the person who died, or about hurting themselves, get help right away. In the U.S., you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.

Free Help for Grieving Children and Families

These organizations offer trustworthy, free support and printables:

• Dougy Center: free printable tip sheets organized by age and topic, activities, and a directory of peer grief support groups, in English and Spanish
• Sesame Street in Communities: free videos, storybooks, and printable activities for young children, including a section on grief
• Comfort Zone Camp: free bereavement camps for children ages 7 to 17 at locations across the U.S.
• Your local hospice: many hospices offer free grief support groups for children and families, even if your loved one wasn’t in their care. A quick call is worth it.

Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical or mental health provider. This guide is general information based on published research and guidance from child grief organizations, and the memory book is a comfort and keepsake resource. Neither is therapy, medical advice, or a substitute for support from a pediatrician, counselor, or grief professional who knows your child. Every child and family is different, so please use what fits and leave the rest. If you’re worried about a child’s safety or wellbeing, contact a professional right away.

Looking for more? See all our free printables for families. Funeral homes, hospices, schools, and churches are welcome to print as many copies as they need.

Sources

• Weller, E. B., Weller, R. A., Fristad, M. A., Cain, S. E., & Bowes, J. M. (1988). Should children attend their parent’s funeral? Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 27(5), 559–562. PubMed
• Fristad, M. A., Cerel, J., Goldman, M., Weller, E. B., & Weller, R. A. (2001). The role of ritual in children’s bereavement. OMEGA: Journal of Death and Dying. Link
• Burrell, A., & Selman, L. E. How do funeral practices impact bereaved relatives’ mental health, grief and bereavement? A mixed methods review. OMEGA: Journal of Death and Dying. Link
• Dougy Center. Kids and Funerals. dougy.org