When a Child Loses a Grandparent: How to Help Them Grieve

Grandpa's chair is empty at Sunday dinner. Nobody is waiting at the school gate in the blue car. The phone rings on your child's birthday, and it isn't her voice. For a lot of kids, this is the first time someone they love has died, and they are working out what death even means while they miss the person who made them feel like the most important kid in the world.

I raised six children, and I know what a grandparent can be in a child's life: the extra cookie, the softer rules, the lap that always had room, the stories about when Mom or Dad was little. I haven't had to help a child through every kind of loss on these pages. But I know how often grown-ups are so busy holding the family together that the children's grief slips by in the noise.

This page is meant for you, the adult beside a grieving child or teen. It's written mostly for kids in school, from about age six up through the teen years. Here is how to tell them, why closeness changes everything, what to do about the things Grandma used to do, and how to carry your own grief for your mom or dad at the same time.

Jump to: Telling them · How close they were · When it's your parent too · What Grandma used to do · If they were raising your child · If your child helped care · If it was sudden · The grandparent still here · The funeral · Faith and culture · Teens · Back at school · Every kind of family · More support · What can wait

Often Their First Real Loss

Before a grandparent dies, many children have never had to think about death as something that happens to their own people. The Child Mind Institute notes that a grandparent's death is often a child's first experience of loss, and that it can help to explain that most people live until they are very, very old. That one sentence can quiet a lot of fear.

School-age children want the details. Kids from about seven to thirteen are starting to grasp that death is forever. They may ask exactly what happened to the body, and they may get stuck on why, especially if it doesn't seem fair. Their grief can show up as trouble at school, stomachaches, picking fights, or pulling away from friends.

Teens understand it the way adults do, and they often grieve away from us: with friends, alone in their rooms, through music or a phone. Some take risks. Some go quiet. The Child Mind Institute's advice is not to try to make it all better, and not to brush it off either. If they won't talk to you, help them find someone they will talk to.

Telling Them

Portland's Dougy Center, which supports grieving kids and teens, suggests sharing the news soon, so the news comes from someone they trust and not from an overheard phone call or a cousin's text. Keep the first telling short. Then let their questions show you how much more they want.

Use the word "died." "I have very sad news. Grandma died this morning. Her heart stopped working, and it can't start again." Gentler phrases like "we lost her" or "she passed" can leave even a ten-year-old unsure what really happened.

Say what caused it, in a few plain words. "Grandpa's cancer spread, and the medicine couldn't stop it." "Grandma had a stroke, and her brain was too badly hurt to get better." A few true words now can save your child from piecing it together on their own.

If your family prays or believes in an afterlife, bring that in after the plain facts, not in place of them: "Her body died. We believe her spirit is with God." If your family doesn't follow a faith, honest words and a hug do the job. If the grown-ups in your family believe different things, agree on one simple message before you sit down, so your child hears one answer, not two.

And if a teen hears it first from social media or a group chat, don't scold them for knowing. Sit down with them anyway, tell them what really happened, and let them ask.

How Close They Were Changes Everything

No two grandchildren lose the same grandparent. One child loses a voice on video calls twice a year. Another loses the grandparent who met them at the bus every afternoon.

Many families live closer than people realize. According to the Pew Research Center, 8% of U.S. children in 2024 lived in a home headed by a grandparent, and 15% of grandparents 65 and older are in touch with a grandchild every day. If your child's grandparent lived with you, babysat, or drove the carpool, their loss reaches into every hour of the day, and the grief can be as big as losing a parent.

If the grandparent lived far away, your child may feel sad and also confused about feeling sad for someone they didn't see much. Tell them that's normal. They may also grieve the visits that never happened, and that's real too.

If there was distance or a falling-out in the family, your child may be grieving a grandparent they barely knew, or one they were kept away from. They may ask why. You can keep the grown-up details private, but an honest, kind answer ("Grandpa and I had a hard time getting along, and that was between grown-ups. It was never about you.") is better than silence.

A step-grandma, a great-grandpa, a "Nana" who isn't related by blood: they all count. If your child loved them, your child is grieving them.

When You've Lost Your Own Parent

This loss lands on two generations at once. Your child lost a grandparent. You lost your mother or your father. And you may be the one making the funeral calls, settling the house and packing lunches, all in the same week.

Crying in front of your kids is okay. According to the Child Mind Institute, children can tell when something is wrong, and hiding it can leave them feeling confused and alone, though it's fine to save your hardest moments for when they're not around. The Dougy Center adds one gentle step: when you cry, let your child know they didn't cause it. "I'm sad because I miss my mom. You didn't do anything to make me cry. I'm glad you're here."

Let others carry some of it. An aunt who handles bedtime twice a week, a friend who takes the kids to the park while you go through paperwork, a neighbor who brings dinner. The Dougy Center reminds caregivers that caring for yourself is part of caring for them. It shows your children how to care for themselves, and it gives you the energy to stay with them.

If your parent was in hospice, ask their hospice about grief support. Medicare rules have hospices provide bereavement help to families for up to twelve months afterward. You're part of that family. For your own grief, When Your Mom or Dad Dies is there for you.

What Grandma Used to Do

Kids settle more easily once they know what comes next. KidsHealth, the children's health site from Nemours, suggests telling them plainly about any changes, like who will pick them up now. So sit down together and walk through the week.

Who does Grandpa's jobs now? School pickup, the after-school snack, the Tuesday piano lesson, the bus stop on rainy days. Name the new person, and if you can, let your child meet the new plan before the first day of it.

Check the school's emergency contacts and pickup list. It's an easy thing to forget in the fog of a funeral week. If your child's grandparent was listed as a contact or an approved driver, update the forms, so no one at school calls a number that won't be answered.

Choose the traditions you'll keep. Sunday pancakes, the fishing trip, the way she made birthday cakes in the shape of a number. Your child doesn't have to lose those too. Ask them which ones matter most. A child who gets to keep Grandma's pancake recipe going may feel like they are keeping a piece of her.

Our free A Note for School After a Death in the Family (en español) gives you two pages to write it all down for the teacher, child care or coach.

If Their Grandparent Was Raising Them

Generations United, a national nonprofit that supports these families, counts more than 2.4 million children being raised by grandparents and other relatives. If your family is one of them, this loss is closer to losing a parent, and often it comes on top of losing a parent, too. Please treat it that way. When a Child Loses a Parent fits your family as well.

Find out who has legal authority for the child now. If the grandparent had custody or guardianship, someone will need it next, for school forms, doctor visits and day-to-day decisions. Each state handles this its own way. A free legal aid office can walk you through the choices, and 211 can connect you with nearby help for relatives raising children.

Ask Social Security about the child. A grandchild may qualify for monthly benefits on a grandparent's work record. Social Security says it generally requires that the child's parents have died or are disabled (or that the grandparent adopted the child), that the child started living with the grandparent before age 18, and that the grandparent gave at least half the child's support in the year before they died. You can read the details on Social Security's page for grandchildren, then call to ask.

Keep everything else as steady as you can. Same school, same bedtime, same friends if possible. A child who has lost their everyday caregiver needs to see, over and over, that someone is still here, still taking care of them.

If you are a grandparent raising grandchildren right now, a little planning can spare them this scramble someday. Our If I Can't Care for My Grandchild (en español) walks you through choosing who would step in, the legal papers to ask legal aid about, and a letter for whoever takes over.

Our two-page When the Grandparent Raising a Child Dies: First Steps (en español) puts the papers to find, the calls to make and the free help in one place, for whoever is stepping in.

If Your Child Helped Care for Them

More kids are caregivers than most people know. A 2024 study in the journal Demography estimated that about 9% of 15- to 18-year-olds in the U.S. help care for an adult, and that teens who do spend less time on schoolwork than their friends. Some of them are helping a grandparent: sitting with him while you worked, bringing her lunch, learning which pills went with breakfast.

When that grandparent dies, a teen loses the person and also the job. The afternoons are suddenly empty. They may feel relief and then feel terrible about the relief. Tell them both feelings make sense. And tell them out loud that what they did mattered: "You made Grandpa's last year so much better. I saw it. He saw it."

If dementia was part of the story, your child may be grieving a grandparent who stopped knowing their name a long time ago. The Alzheimer's Association has a page for kids and teens, and its 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900 is there for the grown-ups, even after a death. Pulling out photos from before the illness can help a child remember Grandma as she was.

If It Happened Suddenly

A heart attack, a fall, an accident, a phone call at 2 a.m. When nobody had time to get ready, children may be shocked, may keep replaying the last time they saw their grandparent, and may wish they had said goodbye.

A goodbye can still happen. A letter read at the grave, a picture slipped into the casket, a visit to the lake Grandpa loved. It isn't too late.

Watch for grief that gets stuck on how they died. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network describes how some children develop trauma symptoms after the death of someone important, and that it can follow a sudden death or one that came after an illness. One sign is a child who can't seem to reach the happy memories anymore. Therapists trained in traumatic grief know how to help.

Write down their health story. If a grandparent had heart disease, type 2 diabetes, certain cancers or another condition that can run in families, tell your child's doctor. The CDC says grandparents belong in a child's family health history, from both sides of the family, along with what each person had and how old they were when it was found. It's easiest to gather now, while relatives still remember. A few lines on paper today can protect your child years from now. Our free Our Family Health History (3 pages, en español) gives you a simple chart for both sides of the family. Keep it on paper at home, and you decide who sees it.

The Grandparent Who Is Still Here

When one grandparent dies, there is often another one left: a grandma who is suddenly alone in a quiet house, a grandpa who doesn't know how to cook. Children notice. Some worry about them. Some are scared to visit because the house feels different.

Your child can be a real comfort, in child-sized ways. A phone call on Sunday, a drawing in the mail, help carrying in the groceries, a sleepover that keeps an old tradition alive. Just make sure it stays a gift and doesn't become a job. A child shouldn't feel responsible for keeping a grown-up from being sad. Our page Ways We Can Help Grandma or Grandpa (en español) has kid-sized ideas and a little plan to fill in.

If you're the one helping a widowed parent through this, this may be worth passing along: What No One Tells You About Being a Widow (or Widower).

Their Things, Their House

The Dougy Center encourages giving grieving children real choices, including how they take part in sorting through belongings. Before the house is cleared out, ask your child if there's something they'd like to keep. It might surprise you: the cookie tin, an old cardigan, the TV remote Grandpa never let anyone touch. Small things can hold a whole person.

Save their voice before the phone is shut off. Voicemails and videos can be lost when a phone line is canceled or moved. T-Mobile, for one, warns that a transfer or cancellation permanently deletes voicemails. Our Save Their Voice (en español) has the steps for iPhone, Android and the phone company.

If the house will be sold, think about one last visit. Let your child walk through, take photos, maybe pick up a stone from the garden. Leaving without a goodbye can be its own small loss.

And if the grown-ups are disagreeing about the will, the house or who gets what, keep those talks out of earshot. Your child is carrying enough without grown-up worries piled on top.

The Funeral, and Saying Goodbye Their Way

The Child Mind Institute says children shouldn't be forced to attend a funeral, and that a child who wants to go should be prepared for what they'll see. KidsHealth recommends telling them beforehand what will happen at the service and afterward, including burial or cremation. For help getting them ready, see Should Children Attend a Funeral?

Give them a job if they want one. Older kids and teens can choose a photo for the board, help pick a song, read a short poem, serve as an honorary pallbearer, or hand out programs. Our Poems for Grandma's Funeral Program and Poems for Grandpa's Funeral Program have pieces a grandchild can read.

If they can't be there, because of distance, school, or a funeral far away, find out if the funeral home can stream the service, or plan a little goodbye at home. Light a candle, play her favorite song, and let everyone say one thing they loved.

If a parent is deployed, the American Red Cross can send an emergency message to a service member about a family death, including a grandparent's. Call 877-272-7337 or start a request on the Red Cross's emergency communication page. The Red Cross is clear that it doesn't approve leave. That decision belongs to the service member's commander.

Faith, Culture and Your Family's Ways

Every family has its own ways of remembering, and children find comfort in being part of them. For many Mexican and Central American families, Día de los Muertos on November 1 and 2 is a time to build an ofrenda, which the Smithsonian describes as an altar of photographs, mementos and objects that honors loved ones who have died. A child can choose what to place there for their abuelo or abuela: a photo, a favorite candy, a drawing.

Your family may light a candle on the anniversary, say a prayer at mealtime, visit the grave on a holiday, or simply tell stories at the dinner table. Whatever your traditions are, or even if you're making new ones, invite your child in. Being part of the remembering helps a child feel like they still belong to the person who died.

Teens and Grandparents

Teens can carry this loss quietly. Some may feel guilty that they didn't visit more, or that they were embarrassed by Grandpa's hearing aids or Grandma's questions. Some are angry at how much of the family's attention went to the illness. Some are deeply sad and don't want anyone to see.

Teens often open up sideways: while you drive, cook, or shoot hoops in the driveway, more than across a table. Let them know you noticed what their grandparent meant to them. If they regret something, tell them their grandparent knew they were loved. You knew your parent, and you can say that honestly.

If your teen has a job, help them ask for a few days off for the funeral. If they have exams or big projects coming up, a quick note to their teachers can buy them some time. There's more in Supporting a Grieving Teen.

Back at School

The Child Mind Institute encourages getting back to school routines soon, with schoolwork eased if needed. Before your child goes back, tell the teacher or counselor what happened, what words your family is using, and how close they were to their grandparent. A child who lived with Grandpa may need a lot more patience than the teacher expects.

Ask for a heads-up before Grandparents Day events, family tree projects and holiday crafts, so your child isn't caught off guard in front of the class. Our free school note, linked above, has room for all of it.

Every Kind of Family

If your child goes back and forth between two homes, ask both households to use the same words, and to let relatives on both sides know. Some kids have two moms or two dads. Some had a grandparent who was the first to stand up for them when they came out. Whatever the shape of your family, that bond deserves to be named and honored.

Autistic children and kids with intellectual disabilities often do best with clear words, pictures and knowing what comes next. My Own Way, our free printable, includes a fill-in story and a service-day plan.

If your family speaks Spanish at home, our printables have Spanish editions. If a grandparent was Deaf, or your child is, ask the funeral home about an ASL interpreter for the service. If money is tight, every place to turn in this post is free.

When Grief Needs More Support

Grief isn't a problem to fix, and most children work through it with time and love. The Child Mind Institute suggests reaching out to a professional if signs are still strong after about six months or are making daily life hard sooner than that. Talk with your child's doctor, a school counselor, or a counselor who specializes in children's grief if your child:

• Has nightmares, sleep trouble or worries that don't ease
• Keeps refusing school, or their grades drop and stay down
• Avoids friends or activities they once loved
• Worries constantly about your dying, or their own
• Begins drinking, using drugs or doing risky things

Grief groups for kids are often free. You can search for one through the Dougy Center's program finder or the National Alliance for Children's Grief directory.

If your child mentions dying, wanting to join Grandma or Grandpa, or harming themselves, get help now. Call or text 988 day or night (Spanish speakers can press 2, and LGBTQ+ youth can press 3 for specially trained counselors). In an emergency, call 911.

What Can Wait

Clearing out the house can wait. Deciding who gets the china can wait. Answering every question about the will, sorting the photos, getting the thank-you notes out: all of it can wait a while.

What can't wait is simpler. Tell your child the truth. Tell them who will take care of the things Grandma used to do. And let them see that it's all right to miss her, out loud, in your house.

What They Gave Stays

A grandparent's love has a way of settling into a child for good. It's in the way they hum while they cook, the joke they tell at every birthday, the patience they show a younger cousin someday. Your child carries more of their grandparent than they know.

No one gets every word right. Keep saying the name, keep telling the stories, and let your child feel whatever comes. That's how a grandparent stays part of the family.

Free Places to Turn

• Dougy Center: free tip sheets for kids, teens and caregivers, and a way to find local programs
• National Alliance for Children's Grief: a directory of children's grief support across the country
• Camp Erin: free weekend camps for kids and teens grieving someone important
• Alzheimer's Association: resources for kids and teens, and a 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900
• Generations United: help for grandparents and relatives raising children
• American Red Cross: emergency messages to a deployed service member, 877-272-7337
• Your nearby hospice: often runs grief groups for kids and families, even if your family never used them

More Help

• Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After
• How to Tell a Young Child That a Grandparent Died After an Illness
• When Your Mom or Dad Dies: A Grief Guide for Adult Children
• Should Children Attend a Funeral?
• Supporting a Grieving Teen
• The First Holidays After a Loss

Please note: This guide is general information, not medical, legal, mental health or benefits advice. If a child's grief worries you, a pediatrician, school counselor or children's grief professional can help. For guardianship or Social Security questions, ask a legal aid office or Social Security directly.

If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed