When a Child Loses a Brother or Sister: Helping Grieving Siblings

"Am I still a big sister?" "Can I have his room now?" "Why did she die and not me?" Children ask questions like these, sometimes out loud, sometimes only with their eyes. And at the funeral, so many of the hugs go right over their heads, to the grown-ups.

I have never buried a child, and I have never said goodbye to a brother or sister of my own. This road isn't one I can claim to have walked. But I know how heavy a house feels when everyone in it is hurting, and how easily the quietest person in it can slip out of sight. Very often, that quiet one is a child.

This guide is for you, the grown-up beside that child. Maybe you are their parent and you are grieving the same child they are. Maybe you are a grandparent, an aunt, a teacher or a family friend stepping in. Here is what to say first, what they may be feeling, how to carry them through the funeral and the months after, and how to tell when they need more than you can give alone.

Jump to: First words · What they may feel · Every kind of sibling · A health question · The funeral · The months after · If you're grieving too · Teens · The hard days · When to get more help · What can wait

The First Words

There is no gentle way to say it, and that's all right. What children need most is the truth in small, plain words, from someone who loves them.

Use the real word. "Your brother died. His heart and his body stopped, and they can't work again." Words like "passed," "lost" or "went to sleep" can leave a child waiting for someone to come home, or afraid to fall asleep. That's why the Dougy Center, a grief center for children and families in Portland, Oregon, encourages the word "died."

Name what happened. If it was an illness, say its name: "She had leukemia, a kind of cancer." If you only say "she got really sick," a child may panic the next time anyone catches a cold. If it was an accident, say so simply, and let their questions tell you how much more to share.

Say the three things every grieving child needs to hear. It was not your fault. You are safe, and we will take care of you. No question is off limits, now or later.

Tell them together, then one by one. If you have more than one surviving child, Australia's national parenting site, Raising Children, suggests telling them together and then making time with each child alone. One may cry, one may go play, one may ask a dozen questions. All of that is normal.

Expect to say it again. A young child may ask, "Is Michael coming home for dinner?" the next day, and the next. That doesn't mean you said it wrong. It's how little ones take in something this big. Give the same short, true answer each time, and maybe look at a photo together while you do.

If your family has faith words, use them alongside the plain truth: "Her body died, and we believe she is safe with God now." If your family doesn't hold a faith, the plain truth and a warm hand are enough.

And if you can't get the words out right now, it is okay to bring in someone your child loves to sit beside you, or even to say it for you while you hold them.

What They May Be Feeling

A brother or sister is someone you share a bedroom wall with, a back seat, a set of parents, a whole childhood of inside jokes. When that person dies, a child loses a piece of their own story. Here is some of what they may carry.

"It was my fault."

Brothers and sisters fight. They say "I wish you'd go away." After a death, those memories can turn into a secret weight, and young children may believe an angry thought made it happen. Say it plainly and more than once: "All brothers and sisters fight. It's part of loving each other. Nothing you ever said or thought caused this."

"Why them and not me?"

Some children feel guilty simply for being alive, or for laughing, making the team or turning a year older. The Dougy Center notes that some even believe the family would be better off if they had died instead. If you hear anything like that, stop and hold it gently: "We need you. We love you exactly as much as we love your sister. No one would trade you for her."

Relief, and then guilt about the relief

If a brother or sister had been ill for many months, or if they were hard to live with, a child may feel relief. Grief counselor Alan Wolfelt gives examples like "Now no one will take my things." Relief doesn't mean they loved their sibling less. It means life had been hard for a while, too.

Fear

"Will I die too? Will you?" When a sibling dies, especially one close in age, it can suddenly feel like it could happen to anyone. A 2025 review of 23 studies on children who lost a sibling found that many struggled to believe it had happened, felt afraid of dying, and sometimes hid their feelings. Answer fears honestly, without dismissing them, and let them know who is keeping them safe.

"Where do I fit now?"

The order of a family can change overnight. The Compassionate Friends of Canada points out that a middle child may suddenly be the oldest or the youngest, and some children become an only child. The sibling who made everyone laugh may be gone, and the Dougy Center reminds us that no one else has to become the family comedian. Taking on a sibling's role should be a choice, never a job.

Feeling invisible

If their sibling was ill, a child may have spent months with parents at the hospital and relatives filling in at home. They may feel forgotten, and then guilty for feeling that way. Both feelings make sense. Tell them so.

Looking fine

Some children go right back to playing, and grown-ups wonder if they understood at all. New Zealand's children's health service, KidsHealth, cautions not to take that as a sign a child is unaffected. And some children hide it on purpose, to keep from making their parents sadder.

Their Brother, Their Sister, Their Way

Families today come in every shape. A half-brother counts. A stepsister they shared a bathroom with counts. A foster brother who lived with them for two years counts. So does a grown sibling who moved out long ago, and a sibling a child barely remembers. Their grief is real, whatever the paperwork says.

If your child lives in two homes, make sure both households, and the school, hear the same story and the same words, so your child gets one steady truth in both places.

If your child was a twin, their loss is its own kind. A large Swedish study of more than 4,500 twins found that surviving twins were more likely to struggle with their mental health after the loss, especially in the first month. Watch closely, and plan ahead for their shared birthday.

If your child is autistic or has an intellectual disability, concrete words, pictures and a predictable plan help. Our free printable My Own Way has a fill-in social story and a plan for the service.

If their sibling served in the military, TAPS supports siblings of anyone who died in military or veteran service, and runs programs for children. Their helpline is open any hour at 800-959-8277.

A Health Question Worth Asking

This one is rarely said out loud, and it may matter a great deal.

If the death came without warning from a heart condition, or no cause was found at all, please ask your child's doctor whether the rest of the family should be checked. A few heart problems behind sudden deaths in young people are passed down in families. The Foundation for Inherited Arrhythmias says family members, starting with parents, siblings and children, can still be at risk until they are properly screened, even when genetic testing doesn't find an answer. The Foundation for Inherited Arrhythmias can help families find specialists.

For any illness that could run in families, the same question is worth asking. Your child may already be wondering, "Will I get it too?" A real answer from a doctor can lift a weight they didn't know how to name.

If a young child died suddenly and no cause was found, the SUDC Foundation offers free support and resources for parents and siblings at 800-620-7832.

The Funeral and Saying Goodbye

Children do better when they get to choose how they take part. The Dougy Center suggests letting them decide whether to go, where to sit, what to wear and whether they want a job, like choosing a photo, a song or a flower. A drawing tucked in the casket or a few words printed in the program can mean the world to them later.

Tell them what they will see. Who will be there, that grown-ups may cry, what the room looks like, whether their sibling's body will be there.

Give them their own grown-up. Raising Children recommends choosing one adult your child trusts to stay by their side the whole time, someone ready to slip out with them for a breather whenever they need one.

Let them say goodbye if they want to. In a North American study of brothers and sisters of children who died of cancer, siblings who had a chance to say goodbye showed more growth through their grief later. If they didn't get that chance, a goodbye can still happen later: a letter, a visit to a special place, a balloon or lantern on a day you choose together.

Our guide Should Children Attend a Funeral? helps you prepare them, step by step.

What Helps in the Months After

Say their sibling's name. Children often stay quiet because they're afraid that talking about their sibling will make you sadder. Show them it won't. In a Swedish study that followed young people after a brother or sister died of cancer, those whose families didn't talk about the death, and those who weren't able to talk with people outside the family, were more likely to still have unresolved grief years later.

Listen more than you fix. The Dougy Center suggests simply reflecting back what you hear: "You really miss her on the bus ride to school." Children who feel heard come back to talk again.

Let them grieve differently than you, and than each other. One child may want photos everywhere. Another may keep them in a drawer. Neither is wrong.

Give them choices about their sibling's things. Don't rush to clear the room. Let them choose a keepsake, a shirt, a stuffed animal, a game they played together. The SUDC Foundation encourages including siblings in decisions about which belongings stay out.

Keep them a child. It is natural to hold the surviving children tighter. The Dougy Center gently warns against becoming so protective that they can't have the freedoms their friends have, and against letting them take on the job of caring for younger siblings, or for you. Grieving children need to know a grown-up is still running the house.

Watch for the "perfect" child. Some children try to make up for the loss by being extra good, extra quiet or extra successful. Tell them: "You don't have to be anyone but you."

Give them outlets. Drawing, writing, music, sports, a punching bag. Our grief coloring pages for kids are free, and so is our My Memory Book, 19 pages that work for a brother or sister too.

Help them answer "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" This question can catch them off guard for years. The Compassionate Friends in Victoria, Australia, notes that the answer can change from one day to the next, and that's all right. Practice a few together: "I have two sisters. One of them died." "I had a brother." Or simply, "Two." There is no wrong answer, and they never have to tell their whole story to a stranger.

Tell the school. Let the teacher, the counselor and the parents of their closest friends know. KidsHealth notes that going back to school can be hard, and that reactions may show up later. Ask teachers to avoid comparisons ("You'll be as great as your brother was") and to give a heads-up before family-tree projects or Mother's Day and Father's Day crafts. Our printable below includes a note you can hand to the school. For teachers and counselors, we also made a one-page guide, When a Student's Brother or Sister Dies (en español), and our longer guide Supporting Grieving Students is written for teachers.

When You Are Grieving the Same Child

If you are a parent who has lost a child, please hear this: you are not failing your other children because you are falling apart.

Research shows what you may already feel. A U.S. study that followed families for years found that parents' emotional support for their surviving children often drops after a child dies. Of course it does. You are carrying the heaviest grief there is. The Dougy Center reminds us that grieving children need to know a grown-up is there to care for them. That grown-up doesn't have to be you every hour of every day.

So let the village in. A grandparent who does bedtime twice a week. An aunt who takes them for pancakes on Saturdays. A coach who knows to check in. That is not handing your children away. It's surrounding them with love while you get through this.

And let yourself be seen. The Dougy Center ties how well grieving children cope to how well-supported their grown-ups are. That doesn't mean hiding your tears. It means having your own place to set them down. The Compassionate Friends has more than 500 chapters for parents, grandparents and siblings, whatever the child's age and however they died.

Teens Who Lose a Brother or Sister

Teens may grieve with their friends, online or alone in their rooms, and seem fine at home. Some take more risks. Some step in to hold the family together, or feel pushed to.

The research is a reason to stay close. In a study of more than 7,000 bereaved siblings in Manitoba, Canada, one in four aged 13 and older was diagnosed with a mental health condition in the two years after the death, compared with about one in six of their peers. They were also twice as likely to attempt suicide. Most teens get through, but they shouldn't have to do it unnoticed.

Car rides, late-night kitchen talks and walking the dog often work better than "Can we talk?" Ask directly and kindly how they are, and keep asking. Our guide Supporting a Grieving Teen goes deeper, and our free teen workbooks are on our Free Printables page.

The Hard Days, This Year and Later

Plan the birthdays and anniversaries together. The Dougy Center suggests letting children help decide how to mark them: a favorite cake, flowers at the cemetery or a trip to a special place, a quiet day at home. Often the days before are harder than the day itself.

Know that the second year can be hard, too. The Compassionate Friends of Canada notes that once the numbness wears off and other people seem to move on, the second year can feel heavier than the first.

Expect grief at new milestones. Passing their sibling's age, starting a grade their sibling never reached, graduations and weddings can bring it back, even years later. KidsHealth notes that grief can return or first appear as children reach new stages. That isn't going backward. It's growing up while still loving someone.

For the first holidays, our guide The First Holidays After a Loss has ideas for keeping an empty chair full of love.

When to Get More Help

Grief isn't something to fix, and most children don't need therapy to grieve. But because losing a sibling can weigh so heavily, it's worth keeping a gentle eye out. In the Manitoba study, depression among bereaved siblings under 13 rose more than sevenfold after the death.

Call your child's doctor, the school counselor or a grief counselor who works with kids if, a few months in, your child:

• Carries guilt, sadness, anger or fear that doesn't seem to soften
• Keeps struggling with sleep, meals or schoolwork, or won't go to school
• Drifts away from friends and from things that used to bring joy
• Worries constantly about dying or getting sick
• Can't think about their sibling without being flooded by how they died, or can't seem to reach any happy memories
• Starts drinking or using drugs, or takes dangerous chances

That fifth sign matters. Child trauma experts at the National Child Traumatic Stress Network call this childhood traumatic grief: when the way someone died gets in the way of remembering them with love. If your child was there when it happened, or was the one who found their sibling, Raising Children advises reaching for professional help early. Counseling made for traumatic grief can help.

If your child talks about dying, about joining their brother or sister, or about hurting themselves, don't wait. Reach out for help now. Call or text 988, any hour. LGBTQ+ young people can press 3 to reach counselors trained for them. In an emergency, call 911.

What Can Wait

Clearing out their room can wait. Their clothes, their trophies and their phone can stay just as they are for now. Answering every relative's question can wait. Getting the holidays "right" can wait.

What can't wait is simpler: telling your child the truth, telling them it wasn't their fault, and letting them see that they still have a place in this family, right where they've always been.

You Are Still a Brother. You Are Still a Sister.

Death doesn't end that. A child can carry their sibling's laugh, their songs, their terrible jokes and their favorite cereal all the way into grown-up life. With your help, they can grow up carrying love, and not only loss.

You don't have to say everything perfectly. Just keep showing up, keep saying the name, and keep making room for whatever your child feels today.

Free Places to Turn

• The Compassionate Friends: chapters and online groups for parents, grandparents and siblings
• Dougy Center: activities for grieving kids and guidance for the adults who care for them
• National Alliance for Children's Grief: find children's grief programs near you
• Comfort Zone Camp and Experience Camps: free grief camps for children who lost a parent or a sibling
• TAPS: for siblings of a military or veteran loved one, 800-959-8277
• SUDC Foundation: when a child died suddenly and no cause was found
• Your local hospice: many offer children's grief groups, even if your family wasn't in their care

More Help

• When a Child Loses a Friend or Classmate: How Parents Can Help
• A Note for School After a Death in the Family (free printable, 2 pages) · Español
• Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After
• When a Baby Dies: Helping Big Brothers and Sisters Grieve
• Helping Children When Someone Is in Hospice (if their sibling is still living)
• Supporting a Grieving Teen
• When Your Adult Child Dies (for parents)
• Poems for a Child's Funeral Program

Please note: This guide is general information, not medical or mental health advice. Every child and every family is different. If you are worried about a child, talk with their doctor, the school counselor or a professional who works with grieving kids.

If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed