When a Child Loses a Brother or Sister: Helping Grieving Siblings

When a child dies, the whole family is shattered. And in the middle of it, there is often a brother or sister who is quietly carrying one of the hardest losses there is: losing the person they expected to grow up with, share holidays with, and grow old alongside.

Researchers call losing a sibling one of the most painful things a child can go through, and yet it’s one of the least talked about. Friends ask how the parents are doing. Cards are addressed to Mom and Dad. And children often hide their own grief to protect parents who are already hurting so much. This guide is for the grown-ups helping a child or teen after the death of a brother or sister, including parents who are grieving that same child.

What We Know From Research

• It happens more than people realize. About 5 to 8 out of every 100 children in the U.S. will lose a brother or sister before they grow up. That’s about 62,000 children and teens every year.
• It can hit kids hard. A large study that compared grieving siblings with other children found they were much more likely to struggle with their mental health in the two years after the death, even if they’d been doing well before. Depression rose the most in children under 13.
• Parents’ grief touches kids’ grief. A review of 25 studies found that when parents are overwhelmed by their own grief, it can be harder for them, for a while, to notice what their other children need, and that shapes how those children cope.
• Kids often hide it. Grieving siblings often keep their sadness to themselves to protect their parents, and parents often don’t realize how much their other children are hurting.
• Disbelief and fear are common. A 2025 review of 23 studies found that children who lost a sibling often couldn’t believe it had happened, felt a deep sense of loss, were afraid of dying, and sometimes hid how they felt.
• Talking together helps. Siblings whose families talked openly were less likely to have grief that stayed stuck, and more likely to be doing well years later.
• The goodbye matters. In a study of children whose brother or sister died of cancer, having a chance to say goodbye made a difference in how they coped afterward.

The hopeful part: many grieving siblings do find their way through, especially with honest talk, steady support, and grown-ups who notice their grief.

Why Losing a Sibling Is So Hard

• A sibling is part of who you are. Brothers and sisters share a history no one else does: the same house, the same jokes, the same parents. Losing a sibling can feel like losing part of yourself, and can shake a child’s sense of who they are.
• Two losses at once. Children lose their sibling, and often, for a while, the parents they knew. Grieving parents may be exhausted, distant, or overwhelmed. Children notice, and often decide to be “the easy one.”
• It can stoke fear. When a brother or sister dies, especially someone close in age, children can start to believe it could happen to them, too.
• Grief comes back at milestones. Surviving siblings often grieve again when they reach the age their sibling was, pass them in school, or hit milestones their sibling never did.

Telling Your Child

Use simple, honest words. Say “died,” not “we lost her” or “she went to sleep.” Share, simply, how it happened, and then say the things every grieving child needs to hear:

• “It was not your fault. Nothing you said, did, or thought made this happen.”
• “You are safe, and we will take care of you.”
• “You can ask me anything, any time, and you can be sad around me.”

If the death was sudden, our guide When a Parent Dies Suddenly has scripts for explaining a heart attack or an accident that work for a sibling too. If the death followed an illness, Helping Children Understand Hospice and Death can help.

What Surviving Siblings Often Feel

Guilt

Almost every sibling relationship has fights, jealousy, and moments of “I wish you’d go away.” After a death, those memories can turn into heavy guilt. Young children may secretly believe an angry thought made it happen. Say it clearly, and more than once: “All brothers and sisters fight. It’s part of loving each other. Nothing you ever said or thought caused this.”

Survivor guilt

Some children and teens feel guilty simply for being alive, or for having fun, making the team, or growing up when their sibling can’t. Let them know their sibling would want them to live a full life, and that joy isn’t a betrayal.

Feeling invisible

Especially if their sibling was sick for a long time, children may have spent months with parents at the hospital and relatives filling in. They may feel forgotten, then guilty for feeling that way. Both feelings are normal.

Fear

“Will I die too? Will I get the same sickness?” Answer honestly and specifically. If an illness or condition could run in families, talk with your child’s doctor so you can give them real answers.

Pressure to be “perfect”

Some children try to make up for the loss by being extra good, extra quiet, or extra successful, or try to fill their sibling’s role. Gently tell them: “You don’t have to be anyone but you. No one could ever replace your brother, and no one could ever replace you.”

How to Help

• Say their sibling’s name. Tell stories. Keep photos up. Children often fear that talking about their sibling will make you sadder. Show them it won’t.
• Ask about their grief, directly. Because siblings so often hide it, don’t wait for them to bring it up: “I’ve been so sad about your brother. How has it been for you?”
• Grieve where they can see you, and cope where they can see you, too. “I miss your sister so much today. I’m going to take a walk, and then let’s make dinner together.”
• Protect one-on-one time. Even 10 minutes a day of undivided attention tells them they still matter.
• Keep routines as steady as you can: school, bedtime, activities.
• Include them in the goodbye. Let them help choose a photo, a song, or a poem, or add a drawing or a few words to the funeral program. Our guide Should Children Attend a Funeral? walks through how to prepare them.
• Let them choose keepsakes: a favorite shirt, a stuffed animal, a game they played together. Don’t rush clearing out their sibling’s room.
• Help them answer “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” This question can be painful for years. Practice together: “I had a brother. He died last year,” or “I have two sisters,” whatever feels right to them. There’s no wrong answer.
• Tell the school, and ask teachers to check in quietly, especially if the sibling attended the same school.

When Parents Are Grieving Too

If you are a parent who has lost a child, you may be surviving hour to hour, and parenting through that is almost unimaginably hard. Research on grieving families shows that when parents get support for their own grief, their other children are helped too. It’s okay to ask for help. Let a trusted aunt, grandparent, coach, or family friend give your surviving children extra attention right now. That isn’t failing them. It’s surrounding them with love while you heal. And please find support for yourself, too. The Compassionate Friends offers free support for bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings.

Teens Who Lose a Sibling

Teens may grieve privately, lean on friends, or seem fine at home and fall apart elsewhere. Research suggests older kids and teens may act out more or take more risks after a sibling dies. They may also feel pressure to parent younger siblings or to hold the family together. Keep the door open without forcing talk. Car rides and late-night kitchen conversations often work better than sit-down talks. Our free teen workbooks have pages for guilt, anger, milestones, and the question of who they are now, and our guide Supporting a Grieving Teen goes deeper.

The Hard Days

• Their sibling’s birthday: decide together how to mark it: their favorite cake, a visit to a special place, a balloon or a lantern, or a quiet day.
• The anniversary of the death: the days before are often harder than the day itself.
• Holidays: our guide The First Holidays After a Loss has ideas for including the one you miss, plus a free planner.
• Passing their sibling’s age, graduations, and other milestones can bring fresh waves of grief, even years later. That’s normal.

When to Get More Help

Because grieving siblings are more likely to struggle with depression and other hard feelings, it’s worth keeping a gentle eye on them. Reach out to your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a grief counselor if, after the first few months, your child:

• Seems stuck in guilt, sadness, anger, or fear that isn’t easing
• Has ongoing trouble sleeping, eating, or at school
• Pulls away from friends and activities they used to enjoy
• Worries constantly about dying or getting sick
• Has nightmares or flashbacks, especially if they saw the death or what happened after
• Starts using alcohol or drugs, or takes serious risks (for teens)

If a child talks about wanting to die, wanting to be with their sibling, or hurting themselves, get help right away. In the U.S., call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911 in an emergency.

Free Help

• The Compassionate Friends: free support for families after the death of a child, including bereaved siblings
• Dougy Center: free tip sheets for grieving children and teens, and a support group directory
• National Alliance for Children’s Grief: find children’s grief programs near you
• Comfort Zone Camp: free bereavement camps for children ages 7 to 17 who have lost a parent, sibling, or primary caregiver
• Your local hospice: many offer free grief groups for children, even if your child wasn’t in their care

More from us: Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After, The Colors of Grief: Free Coloring Pages for Kids, Poems for a Child’s Funeral Program, and Poems for a Teen’s Funeral Program.

Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical or mental health provider. This guide and our printables are general information and comfort based on published research and guidance from child grief organizations. They are not therapy or a substitute for support from a pediatrician, counselor, or grief professional. If you’re worried about a child’s safety or wellbeing, contact a professional right away.

These resources are free, always. If they helped your family and you’d like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift here. See all our free printables for families.

Sources

• Bolton, J. M., et al. (2016). Bereavement after sibling death: A population-based longitudinal case-control study. World Psychiatry, 15(1). PubMed
• The bereavement experiences of children following sibling death: An integrative review (2022). Journal of Pediatric Nursing. PubMed
• A systematic review of grief experiences of children who have lost a sibling (2025). PubMed
• The relationship of long-term bereaved siblings with their parents (2024). Mortality. Link
• Mind yourself so you can mind me: The role of parental behaviour in perinatal death on the surviving sibling’s grief. PMC
• Impact of end-of-life circumstances on the adjustment of bereaved siblings of children who died from cancer. PMC
• Impact of resilience and social support on long-term grief in cancer-bereaved siblings (2022). BMC Palliative Care. PMC
• Young adults coping with sibling loss: Risk and protective factors for substance use disorder (2025). Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma. Link
• Dynamic and heterogeneous effects of sibling death on children’s outcomes (2017). PNAS. Link
• Kaplow, J. B., Layne, C. M., Pynoos, R. S., & Saltzman, W. (2023). Multidimensional Grief Therapy. Cambridge University Press.
• The Compassionate Friends. compassionatefriends.org