Is This Still Grief? A Gentle Guide for Families

Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and there is no "right" amount of time to miss someone. But sometimes, months after a death, a family member starts to wonder: Is this still normal? Shouldn't it feel a little lighter by now? This guide is here to help you answer that question gently, for yourself or for someone you love.

Most Grief Softens With Time

For most people, the hardest feelings of grief, like longing, disbelief, anger, and deep sadness, begin to ease somewhere around six months after a death. By about a year, most people find the pain is still there but no longer fills every part of the day. The love doesn't fade. It just becomes something you can carry while you live your life.

Grief also comes in waves. A song, a smell, a birthday, or the anniversary can bring it rushing back, even years later. That is normal, and it doesn't mean you've gone backward.

When Grief Gets Stuck

For a smaller number of people, grief doesn't ease. It stays just as heavy, or gets heavier, and makes it hard to get through daily life. In 2022, doctors officially recognized this as prolonged grief disorder. Studies estimate it affects somewhere between about 3 and 15 out of every 100 grieving people, and it often shows up alongside depression.

It isn't a weakness or a failure to "move on." It's a recognized condition, and it can be treated.

Prolonged grief usually means that, a year or more after the death, someone feels a constant longing for the person or can't stop thinking about them, along with several of these:

• Feeling like part of yourself died with them
• Still struggling to believe the death really happened
• Avoiding anything that reminds you they're gone
• Intense emotional pain, like anger, bitterness, or sorrow, that doesn't let up
• Trouble getting back into friendships, work, or things you used to enjoy
• Feeling numb or emotionally flat
• Feeling that life has no meaning without them
• Deep loneliness, even around other people

For children, the time frame is shorter, about six months. Our free children's grief resources can help you understand what's normal for kids and teens.

Grief That's Healing vs. Grief That Needs More Help

You don't have to check every box for it to matter. If you're asking the question, that is reason enough to talk to someone.

Don't Wait a Year: Reach Out Now If…

The one-year mark is how doctors make a diagnosis. It is not a waiting period before you're allowed to get help. Please reach out right away if you or someone you love is:

• Having thoughts of suicide, of not wanting to wake up, or of "joining" the person who died
• Drinking more, using pills, or using other substances to get through the day
• Unable to eat, sleep, shower, or take care of yourself, your home, or your children
• Having flashbacks, nightmares, or panic about how the person died, especially after a sudden, violent, or traumatic death
• Feeling so hopeless that nothing seems worth doing

Who May Need Extra Support

Anyone can find their grief getting stuck. Research shows it's more likely after some kinds of loss:

• The death of a child, at any age
• A sudden, violent, or unnatural death, including suicide, overdose, accidents, and homicide
• Grief that was already very intense and overwhelming in the first months

If one of these is part of your story, it's wise to reach out early rather than waiting to see if it gets better. Support in the first year may help keep grief from becoming stuck. You may also find comfort in our guides When Your Adult Child Dies, After a Suicide or Overdose Loss, and After a Sudden or Violent Loss.

Help Works

This is the most hopeful part: prolonged grief can be treated. A short-term therapy called Prolonged Grief Treatment has years of research behind it. It doesn't ask you to forget or "let go" of your person. It helps you carry the loss in a way that lets you live again.

Columbia University's Center for Prolonged Grief offers a free self-assessment and a directory of therapists trained in this treatment, listed by state. Many offer online sessions, and some offer sliding-scale fees.

Where to Turn, Starting With Free Options

• Your hospice. If your loved one was in hospice, the hospice offers bereavement support to the family for about 13 months after the death, at no cost. Call and ask for the bereavement coordinator, even if you've never called before.
• Your doctor. Tell them about the death and how you've been feeling. They can check for depression and refer you to counseling.
• Support groups. Many hospices and churches hold free grief groups open to anyone. There are also groups for specific losses: The Compassionate Friends (after the death of a child, sibling, or grandchild), Alliance of Hope (after a suicide loss), and GRASP (after a substance-related loss).
• A grief counselor. Use the Columbia directory, or ask your insurance or employee assistance program (EAP) for a counselor who specializes in grief.
• Crisis support, any time. Call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.

What to Say When You Call

Picking up the phone is often the hardest part. You can simply read this:

That's all you need to say. You don't have to explain everything on the first call.

If You're Worried About Someone You Love

It can feel awkward to bring up, but caring enough to ask is a gift. A few gentle ways to start:

• "I've been thinking about you. How are you really doing with everything?"
• "I miss them too. It still feels so heavy sometimes. Does it for you?"
• "I found some grief support that might help. Would you want me to go with you, or help you call?"

Listen more than you talk. Say their person's name. Offer to help with the first step, like finding a number, driving them, or sitting with them while they call. If you're ever worried about their safety, ask them directly whether they're thinking about suicide. Asking does not put the idea in their head, and it may open the door to help. You can also call or text 988 yourself for guidance on how to help someone else.

A Gentle Reminder

Needing help with grief doesn't mean you loved them too much or did grief "wrong." It means you're carrying something very heavy, and you deserve support carrying it. For a broader guide to grief as an adult, see Grieving as an Adult: A Gentle Guide for Every Kind of Loss.

Download the free printable guide: Is This Still Grief? A Gentle Guide for Families →

Sources

• American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), 2022: prolonged grief disorder criteria.
• Rosner, R., et al. "Prevalence, Factor Structure and Correlates of DSM-5-TR Criteria for Prolonged Grief Disorder." Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2022.
• Treml, J., et al. "Prolonged Grief Disorder in ICD-11 and DSM-5-TR: Differences in Prevalence and Diagnostic Criteria." Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2024.
• Boelen, P. A., & Lenferink, L. I. M. "Prolonged Grief Disorder in DSM-5-TR: Early Predictors and Longitudinal Measurement Invariance." Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 2022.
• Maciejewski, P. K., Zhang, B., Block, S. D., & Prigerson, H. G. "An Empirical Examination of the Stage Theory of Grief." JAMA, 2007.
• Columbia University Center for Prolonged Grief: Prolonged Grief Treatment and therapist directory.