How to Tell a Young Child That a Grandparent Died After an Illness

Maybe the call came from the hospice nurse before the sun was up. Maybe you were there, holding your mom's hand, or your dad's, when the breathing stopped. And now you're standing in the doorway, watching your little one line up toy cars on the rug, knowing that in a few minutes you'll have to tell them Grandma died.

I know a little about carrying your own grief while small faces look up at you, waiting to see what happens next. When my husband died, I had to keep being a mom in the very same hours I was learning to be a widow. If the person who died is your own mother or father, you're doing that too: losing your parent and caring for your child, all at once. Please be gentle with yourself.

So let's take this one small step at a time, for children about 3 to 7: what to do before you say anything, simple words you can borrow for that first talk, the worries young children carry but may never say out loud, what to say if the illness changed Grandpa, and what helps in the days after, for every kind of family.

Is Grandma or Grandpa still living, and in hospice? Start with Helping Children and Teens When Someone They Love Is in Hospice. Is your child older, or a teen? See When a Child Loses a Grandparent. Want ideas for the months ahead? See Helping a Young Child Remember a Grandparent.

Before You Say Anything

You don't have to have it all together before you talk with your child. You only need a few quiet minutes and a few true sentences.

Tell them soon. Children do best when they hear it as soon as possible, from someone they trust, before they overhear it on the phone or from a cousin. Two trusted children's grief groups, the Dougy Center and the Child Mind Institute, both give this advice. If you can, the person closest to your child should be the one to tell them.

Choose a quiet, private place. Somewhere your child can have whatever reaction they have: the couch, their bed, your lap. Not a store, not the car in a parking lot, and not right before school.

It's okay if you cry. You don't have to hide your tears. The Child Mind Institute says not to try to "protect" children by hiding your sadness, and also not to let them see you at your very most upset, because they may start worrying about you. If you need a few minutes alone first, take them. If you can't do it at all today, ask another grown-up your child trusts to sit with you, or to say the words while you hold your child.

Agree on the words. Before you talk, tell the other grown-ups in your child's life (your partner, the other parent, the babysitter, Grandpa who's still here) the words you're going to use. Young children notice when one grown-up says "died" and another says "went to heaven to sleep." Our free printable has a note you can fill in and hand to each of them.

Words You Can Borrow for the First Talk

There's no perfect script. But young children understand best when it's short, simple and true. Sit close. Hold a hand if they'll let you. Then try something like this:

"I need to tell you something sad, and I'm right here with you. You know Grandma has been very sick with an illness called cancer. Today, Grandma died. Her body doesn't work anymore. She won't breathe or eat again, nothing hurts her now, and she won't be coming back. I'm very sad, and I'm going to cry sometimes. You can feel any way you feel. I'm right here, and I'm going to keep taking care of you."

Then stop, and let your child lead. Some children cry. Some ask a question. Some say "okay" and ask for a snack. All of that is normal.

Use the real words. "Died" and "dead" sound hard, but they're kinder in the long run. Words like "passed away," "went to sleep," "crossed over" or "we lost Grandpa" can confuse young children, the Dougy Center says. A child told Grandpa is "lost" may want to go look for him. A child told he "went to sleep" may become afraid of bedtime.

Name the illness. Saying "Poppa died of an illness called cancer," as the Dougy Center suggests, helps a child understand that a very serious illness did this, not a cold, and not anything they did.

If your child didn't know Grandma was sick, start there: "Grandma had a very serious illness called ____ for a long time. The doctors tried hard, but they couldn't make her body better." Then tell them she died.

For a three-year-old, even fewer words are enough: "Grandma died. Her body stopped working. We're sad. I'm here." You'll say it again many times, and that's how they'll learn it.

What Young Children Understand

It helps to know what your child can and can't take in yet, so you don't worry that you said it wrong.

Children about 2 to 4 are very much in the here and now. The Child Mind Institute says that at this age children don't yet understand that death means "forever." So your three-year-old may ask when Grandpa is coming to their birthday party, even after you've told them he died. That doesn't mean you failed. Give the same short, gentle answer again.

By around age 5 to 7, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, most children have grasped the big ideas: dead is forever, a body that has died doesn't work at all, and all living things die one day. Even then, they put it together a little at a time, and they come back with new questions as they grow.

The Worries Underneath

Little ones often carry questions they never say out loud. You can answer them before they ask. These are the ones I'd want to cover with any young child.

"Did I make this happen?" Little ones sometimes think a grumpy thought, or a time they misbehaved, made something bad happen. "You didn't make Grandpa sick. Not anything you said, not anything you did, not even a grumpy thought. And there was nothing you could have done to fix it."

"Can I catch it?" "No. You can't catch Grandma's illness. You're safe, and so am I."

"Will you die too? Who will take care of me?" When a grandparent dies, a child sees that grown-ups can die. "Most people live until they're very, very old, and I'm planning on being here to take care of you while you grow up. And lots of people love you and take care of you, like Aunt Mia and Mr. Sam next door." Use real names. A real person feels safer to a child than a promise.

"Is Grandpa going to die now too?" If one grandparent is still living, your child may worry about them. A simple "Grandpa isn't sick. He's very sad, and he'd love a hug from you" can help, along with a drawing or a phone call to him.

"Where is Grandma now?" Share what your family believes, in simple words, alongside the plain fact that her body stopped working. For a family without a faith, or one still unsure, "People have different beliefs about that. Here's what I know for sure: we'll keep loving Grandma, and we'll keep remembering her" is honest. So is "I don't know."

"What happens to her body?" If there will be a burial: "Grandma's body will rest in a special box called a casket. It will go in the ground at a cemetery, and we can visit that spot." If there will be a cremation, child life specialists suggest leaving out the words "fire" and "burn": "Grandpa's body will go to a special place that is very, very hot, and it will change into soft gray ashes, a little like sand. His body can't feel anything now, so it doesn't hurt him."

When the Illness Changed Grandma

A long illness can change a grandparent in ways that confuse a little one. Grandpa may have been too tired to play. Grandma may have lived in a hospital bed in the living room, or had a bald head, or tubes, or a hard time talking.

If your child remembers those days, it can help to say, "That was the illness. It made Grandma's body very tired and sick. She still loved you the whole time."

If your child's grandparent had dementia and stopped knowing their name, that can leave a child feeling hurt or even guilty. The Alzheimer's Association suggests telling children that changes inside the brain made it hard to remember things like their name, that it was not their fault or the grandparent's, and that you can't catch it. You might add: "Grandpa's brain was sick, so he couldn't remember your name. But he still felt your love when you held his hand."

Play, Puddles and Big Feelings

Young children often step in and out of grief. One minute they're crying, the next they're asking if they can go outside. A UK children's grief charity, Winston's Wish, calls this "puddle jumping": children jump into a puddle of sadness, then jump right back out to play. It doesn't mean they don't care. Small children can only hold a big sadness for a little while before they need a break, and play is that break.

You may see them play "hospital" or "funeral" with their toys. You may also see some going backward for a while: clinginess, trouble sleeping, tantrums, or wetting the bed again. The Child Mind Institute lists these as common in young children after a death. Extra patience, extra cuddles and the same bedtime routine help a lot.

Keep the ordinary things steady where you can: breakfast, preschool, the same bedtime story. The Dougy Center suggests routines without being rigid about them. If you're too worn out to cook tonight, cereal for dinner is fine. Tell your child who will help with the things you can't do right now.

And talk about Grandma, out loud and often. "Grandma loved this song." "Grandpa always gave you the first pancake." Hearing you say their name tells your child it's okay to remember, and okay to miss them.

Saying Goodbye Their Own Way

Young children can often go to a viewing, funeral or memorial if they want to and know what to expect. The Dougy Center suggests giving them a real choice, telling them ahead what they'll see and hear, and choosing a calm grown-up buddy who's happy to step outside with them anytime.

Tell them simply: people may cry, and they may laugh too. If there's a viewing, Grandma's body will be very still, her eyes will be closed, and she isn't sleeping. A small job helps many children: choosing a photo, bringing a drawing to tuck in, handing out programs.

If your child doesn't go, or it's too far away, they can still say goodbye: draw a picture, light a candle at home, blow bubbles in the yard and say Grandma's name. For more help deciding, see Should Children Attend a Funeral?

Free printable: Telling a Young Child That a Grandparent Died (2 pages) · en español. For: parents and caregivers of children about 3 to 7. Page 1 has the first-talk words to fill in, the worries underneath, and what you may see. Page 2 is a note to fill in and give to your child's teacher, babysitter and family, so every grown-up uses the same words.

Every Family Is Different

When Grandma or Grandpa lived with you, or was raising your child. Some children lose the person who walked them to school, made their lunch, or tucked them in every night. More than 2.5 million U.S. children live with a grandparent or other relative with no parent in the home, according to Generations United. If that's your family, this loss changes your child's whole day, and the question "Who will take care of me?" needs a very real, very soon answer: who will pick them up, who will make dinner, where they'll sleep. If you're the relative stepping in, call 211 to find local help with the things that just landed on you.

When Grandma lived far away, or your child barely knew her. Your child may not feel much, and that's okay. They may still notice that you're sad, and want to know why. Tell them the same simple truth, and share a story or photo so they know a little of who she was.

When the relationship was hard. If your parent hurt you, or you were estranged, you don't have to pretend with your child. Short, true words are enough: "Grandpa died. I have lots of mixed-up feelings, and that's okay." Your own grief matters too. See Grief After a Complicated or Estranged Relationship.

When it's the other side of the family. If your child's other parent lost their mom or dad, and you live apart, try to agree together on what you'll each say. Your child should hear the same words in both homes.

Step-grandparents, great-grandparents and chosen grandparents matter just as much. Use whatever name your child called them: Nana, Papa, Abuela, Gigi.

When your child is autistic or takes words very literally, say exactly what happened in clear, solid words. Our free My Own Way kit (4 pages, en español) has a fill-in story to read together, a plan for the service and cut-out cards.

For Spanish-speaking families, our printable comes in Spanish, and Sesame Workshop offers free Spanish grief videos and activities on its grief page.

Taking Care of You

You just lost your mom or dad. That's a huge loss on its own, even if you saw it coming, even if you were the one caring for them. It's okay that you're tired, and it's okay that some days you won't have much left for anyone.

The Child Mind Institute puts it this way: how well a child does after a death is linked to how well the grown-ups around them are doing. So taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's one of the ways you look after your child. Let a friend take the kids to the park. Say yes when someone offers a meal.

If your mom or dad had hospice care, that hospice offers grief support to family members for as long as a year after the death, and you count as family. Call and ask what they have, for you and for your child. When you're ready, When Your Mom or Dad Dies is written for you.

When a Child Needs More Help

Most little ones come through grief okay when the grown-ups around them stay close and steady. The Dougy Center says to reach out to a counselor if a child's grief starts to get in the way of daily life: if sleep, eating, behavior or preschool are still very hard weeks later, or keep getting worse. Start with your child's doctor or your hospice team. To find a grief group for young children near you, look up the Dougy Center's program finder, or search the National Alliance for Children's Grief site.

Grief also comes back around. The American Academy of Pediatrics says children don't finish grieving at six months or one year, and that year two is sometimes the harder one. Birthdays, holidays and each new age can bring fresh questions.

If your child ever says they want to die, or want to go be with Grandma, don't brush it off. Ask them gently what they mean. You can call or text 988 for guidance (for Spanish, call and press 2). In an emergency, call 911.

Books and Pages to Share With Your Child

Sometimes a story says it better than we can. I wrote two gentle picture books for children about 3 to 7 for exactly this kind of loss, and we have free pages you can print tonight.

The Pebble in My Pocket

For: children about 3 to 7 when a grandparent or someone they love dies after a long illness

Ollie the otter loves floating with Grandpa on the slow, shiny river. When Grandpa gets very sick, he gives Ollie a smooth gray pebble with one white stripe, and it helps Ollie carry Grandpa with him every day. Honest words, every feeling welcome, and a note for grown-ups.

See it on Amazon

What We Plant With Love

For: children about 3 to 7 when a grandma or someone they love dies after an illness

Hazel the hedgehog plants Grandma's sunflower seeds and learns that what is planted with love keeps growing.

See it on Amazon

Free to print:

Remembering My Grandparent (12 pages). For: children and teens after a grandparent dies, with a grown-up nearby. Memory pages to draw and write in, family story cards for aunts, uncles and cousins to fill in, a page for teens, and a note for grown-ups grieving their own parent.

Carrying You With Me: For Kids (free PDF · paperback on Amazon). For: children about 5 to 11 after someone they love dies of an illness. A workbook for big feelings, memories and questions.

My Memory Book (19 pages · en español). For: children about 3 to 18, before or after a death. Drawing pages, a feelings page and a memory box checklist.

Free PDFs, no email or sign-up. Print as many as you need.

What Can Wait

You don't have to sort Grandma's things this week, or start a memory book, or have answers about heaven. You don't even have to decide about the service yet. One talk won't cover everything, and it isn't supposed to. Your child will circle back with questions for months, maybe years, and each time you'll get another chance.

You Don't Have to Say It Perfectly

Your child won't remember whether you found the right words. What will stay with them is that you were honest, that you kept them close, and that the two of you were sad together and got through it. That's the gift you're giving them today, even with your own heart breaking. And it's how they'll learn, from you, that love and sadness can sit side by side, and that a family can hold both.

More Help

• Telling a Young Child That a Grandparent Died (2-page printable) · en español
• Helping Children Understand Hospice and Death: Honest Answers and a Memory Book
• Helping a Young Child Remember a Grandparent: Gentle Ideas for the Months After
• When a Child Loses a Grandparent: How to Help Them Grieve
• Should Children Attend a Funeral? A Gentle Guide for Parents
• When Your Mom or Dad Dies: A Grief Guide for Adult Children

Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical or mental health provider. Everything here, including the printable and the books, is meant as general information and comfort. It isn't medical, psychological or legal advice. For help with your child, talk with your child's doctor, your hospice team or a licensed counselor.

If you or a child is in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed