I’m a widow. I’m not a grief counselor or an expert. I’m just a woman who lost her husband and had to figure out the rest on my own, mostly the hard way.
When it happened, I wanted someone to tell me the truth. Not “it gets better with time.” Not “he’s in a better place.” Just the truth, from someone who had been there. So this is what I would say to you if we were sitting across a kitchen table with two cups of coffee.
I wrote this as a widow, so I say “he” and “husband.” But if you’ve lost your wife, this is for you too. Grief doesn’t care whether it’s his things or hers.
It Doesn’t Get Better. It Gets Lighter.
I’ll be honest with you, because I wish someone had been honest with me: it doesn’t go away. It doesn’t really get better. It gets easier. Lighter, sort of.
Something will happen — something funny, something good, something that would have made him shake his head — and you’ll want to run and tell him. Then you’ll remember. That moment is one of the hardest parts.
But here’s what I can tell you from further down the road: it happens less now. It’s not that you stop thinking about him. You think about him all the time. Just not as often in the way that hurts.
Every Widow’s Road Looks Different
I was 46 when my husband died. I had five kids still at home. My youngest was 11, I had two who were 13, and my two oldest were 20 and 22 — grown on paper, but still kids.
Having them helped. They gave me a reason to get up every morning. But it was harder in other ways, too. There was the money — suddenly one income and a whole family to raise. There was the time — I had to work, so I was gone all the time. And there was the never being alone. There was always someone who needed me, which meant there was never room to fall apart. I grieved in the car. I grieved after they were asleep.
My kids almost raised themselves in those years. I carried a lot of guilt about that. But I’ll tell you this: they turned out good. If you’re doing this with kids at home, you are doing more than you know, even on the days it doesn’t feel like enough.
If you’re older and your children are grown, your road may look like the opposite of mine. The house is quiet. Nobody needs you at the dinner table. You have all the room in the world to grieve, and no one to share an ordinary Tuesday with. That kind of alone is its own heavy thing.
Neither road is easier. They’re just different. Be gentle with yourself on yours.
Helping Your Kids Grieve
When you’re grieving your husband, your kids are grieving their dad — and it won’t look the same as yours. It won’t even look the same from one child to the next.
Some kids cry. Some get angry. Some go quiet and seem fine, and you wonder if they even understand. Some act out at school, or cling to you, or pull away. Teenagers especially may try to be strong for you — which means they may hide how much they’re hurting.
And grief in kids doesn’t always show up right away. Sometimes it comes years later, when they’re old enough to understand what they lost. My youngest was 11 when her dad died. More than ten years later, she asked me for his signature to tattoo on her arm. Grief grows up with them.
A few things that help:
- Keep saying his name. Tell the stories. Kids need to know it’s okay to talk about him — and that talking about him won’t make you fall apart.
- Tell the school. Teachers and counselors can watch for a child who’s struggling and give them grace on the hard days.
- Let them keep something of his. A shirt, a hat, a watch. Something they can hold.
- Don’t forget the older ones. A 20-year-old who lost their dad is still a kid who lost their dad.
- Get them support if they need it. There are free grief camps and programs made just for kids — you’ll find some in the help list at the end of this page.
You won’t do all of this perfectly. I sure didn’t. But love covers a lot of ground.
The Firsts
The first Christmas. The first birthday — theirs, and yours. The first anniversary. The first time their favorite song comes on in the grocery store.
Some of them you’ll see coming. Some will blindside you. It can help to plan something for the big days — a visit to the cemetery, a favorite meal, a quiet day with people who loved them too. It’s also okay to change a tradition that just hurts too much right now.
And a little secret nobody told me: the second year can be hard too. The shock wears off, everyone else has moved on, and the reality settles in. If year two surprises you, you’re not doing it wrong.
Please, Don’t Rush to Get Rid of Their Things
If I could tell you only one thing, it would be this: do not rush to get rid of their things — his or hers.
You don’t have to decide anything right now. Pack them away. The attic, the basement, the shed, a bin in the back of a closet. Out of sight if you need them to be — but not gone. There will come a time when you can go through them. It will come when it comes.
For me, it was ten years. His clothes are still in the shed. And just recently, my daughter asked me for a paper with his signature on it. She had it tattooed on her arm. She was only 11 when he died — she never would have thought to ask for something like that back then. But because I kept things, it was there when she was ready.
Her question is what finally sent me to his dresser. He always hung his clothes, so the dresser was where he kept all his little things. And now, going through it all, I’m finding things my kids will want. I’m finding important things I didn’t know were there. And more than anything, I’m finding smiles.
I can see the regrets I would have had if I’d rushed. My kids are adults now, and there are things they want that they never would have known to ask for as kids — a shirt, a watch, his handwriting on a scrap of paper. If I had given it all away that first year, those things would be gone forever. The right time didn’t come from a calendar. It came from a moment.
People may push you to “clear things out” so you can “move on.” You don’t have to. A box in the attic is not you holding on too tight. It’s you giving your future self — and your children — the chance to choose. When the time comes, have someone with you, take it slow, and let each child and grandchild pick something that was theirs.
Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me
Accept the meals. Accept the help.
It isn’t charity, and it doesn’t mean you can’t manage. It’s love in a casserole dish, from people who don’t know what else to do. Let them. Say yes to the lawn mowing, the school pickup, the grocery run. One day you’ll be the one bringing a meal to someone else, and you’ll understand exactly what it meant.
Ask about time off — and how to afford it.
My employer would have let me take all the time I needed. My budget wouldn’t. I took one week, because I had bills to pay and five kids to feed.
If you can, ask HR what’s available before you decide:
- Bereavement leave: Some employers offer paid days, and some states now require bereavement leave.
- FMLA: Unpaid, but job-protected, and generally only at larger employers. It doesn’t cover grief by itself — but if your doctor documents a condition like depression, you may qualify.
- Short-term disability: If grief becomes a health condition your doctor certifies, disability insurance through work — or your state’s disability program, if you have one — may replace part of your pay.
- Your Employee Assistance Program (EAP): Many employers offer free, confidential counseling sessions. Ask HR if you have one.
And don’t forget Social Security survivors benefits (more below). Even a little extra income can buy you a little more breathing room.
The paperwork is overwhelming. Get help.
Nobody warns you how much paperwork there is — bank accounts, credit cards, utilities, the car title, insurance, all in their name. A few things that helped:
- Order extra certified copies of the death certificate. Many places want an original, and you’ll need more than you think. The funeral home can usually help with this.
- Keep one notebook for everything. Every call: the date, who you talked to, what they said. It will save you more than once.
- Take a trusted person with you to the bank or to appointments if you can. A second set of ears helps when your mind is foggy.
Save their voice before you close accounts.
Don’t rush to cancel their cell phone. Once a phone account is closed, the voicemails and messages on it can be gone for good. Before you shut anything off, save what matters: old voicemails, texts, photos, and videos. Ask a tech-savvy friend or one of your kids to help back them up. Hearing their voice again someday may mean more than you can imagine right now.
The same goes for social media. Instead of deleting their Facebook account, you can ask Facebook to memorialize it, so their photos and posts stay up for the people who loved them.
Get their name off the house — and pay a professional to do it right.
If you owned your home together, their name is probably still on the title. Nobody told me this. You won’t have a clear title until their name is legally removed — and you’ll find out the hard way when you try to sell, refinance, or borrow against the house.
Usually it means recording a document with your county, often called an affidavit of death, along with a certified copy of the death certificate. But it depends on your state and how the home was titled, and sometimes it’s more involved. This is not the place to guess or cut corners. Pay a real estate attorney or a title company to do it right — or, if money is tight, contact your local legal aid office (see the list below). It’s worth it, because this is one thing you can’t afford a mistake on.
I didn’t do mine until this year — ten years later. Maybe ten years was just my magic number; it was for a lot of things. But this is one thing I’d tell you not to wait on. You can take all the time you need with the dresser and the closet. The deed is different. Get it done when you can, so it’s never a problem for you — or for your kids someday.
Update your own will and beneficiaries.
This one is hard to think about, but it matters. Your life insurance, retirement accounts, bank accounts, and will may still list your spouse as the person who gets everything. If something happened to you, that could leave a mess for your children.
When you’re able, update the beneficiaries on your accounts, and make or update your will. If you have children at home, name a guardian for them. If money is tight, legal aid can help (see the list below).
Look for life insurance, pensions, and money you didn’t know about.
Check for life insurance through their job, past jobs, a union, or the military, and ask about any pension or retirement accounts. Some benefits sit unclaimed simply because no one knew to ask. Two free tools that can help:
- NAIC Life Insurance Policy Locator: A free service that helps you find life insurance policies you may not know about. Search “NAIC policy locator” or visit naic.org.
- Unclaimed property: Forgotten bank accounts, refunds, and deposits in their name may be held by the state. Search free at unclaimed.org.
Ask about Social Security survivors benefits.
So many widows — especially younger ones, and those whose spouse was still working — have no idea survivors benefits even exist. I want you to know they’re out there. In general:
- If you have children at home, a widow or widower can receive benefits at any age while caring for the deceased spouse’s child under 16 or disabled — and unmarried children under 18 (or up to 19 if they’re still in high school) may receive benefits too.
- If you’re older, reduced survivor benefits can begin as early as age 60, or as early as 50 if you are disabled.
- Don’t assume it happens on its own. In most cases, you need to contact Social Security and apply.
Every situation is different, so call Social Security at 1-800-772-1213 or visit ssa.gov/survivors to find out what you qualify for.
If they served in the military, ask the VA.
If your spouse was a veteran, you may be eligible for VA survivor benefits, including Dependency and Indemnity Compensation (DIC) — a tax-free monthly benefit for eligible survivors of service members who died in the line of duty, or of veterans whose death was related to their service. It can also apply in some cases where a veteran was rated totally disabled by the VA for a number of years before their death.
My best advice: ask for a Veteran Service Officer (VSO). They help with the paperwork and the claim at no cost, and most veterans organizations, like the VFW and American Legion, have one. You can also learn more at va.gov.
If you had health insurance through their job
Losing a spouse can mean losing your health insurance, too. You may be able to keep the same coverage for a while through COBRA (ask their employer), and losing coverage also lets you sign up for a new plan at HealthCare.gov outside the usual enrollment period — but there’s a time limit, so don’t put it off.
Protect their identity.
Sadly, scammers target the recently deceased. Once you have death certificates, send a copy to the three credit bureaus — Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion — and ask them to mark the file as deceased, so no one can open credit in their name.
The Guilt
The first time I laughed — really laughed — after he died, I felt guilty. The first good day, the first time I made a plan for the future, the first time I realized I hadn’t thought about him all morning. Guilt, every time.
Here’s what I know now: joy doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them. Having a good day isn’t a betrayal. They would want you to laugh. Let yourself.
The Blame
I wasn’t home when my husband had his heart attack. I’m trained to keep a person alive until help comes — and I wasn’t there. For years, my mind harped on it. Even now, I sit about twenty feet from where he died, every day, and some days I look over at that spot and think, I hate this house.
But it’s not my fault. It’s not the house’s fault. Sometimes, even years later, the mind just needs someone or something to blame.
And whatever took your person, it isn’t your fault either. Not yours, not the house’s, not the car’s, not the phone call you didn’t make or the appointment you didn’t push for. It’s okay to feel it when it comes. Just don’t carry it as yours.
The New Word: Widowed
Nobody warns you about the forms. Married. Single. Divorced. Widowed. The first time I had to check that box, my pen just stopped.
It’s a strange new word to carry, and it can take a long time to feel like it belongs to you. Some days it still doesn’t. That’s okay. You’re still the one they loved. That part never changes.
When People Say They Understand
People mean well. I’ve had divorced friends tell me they understand my loss, and I know divorce is its own real heartbreak. But it isn’t the same.
If they want to call up their ex and say, “Guess what Jr. just did,” they can. I can’t. Every proud moment, every graduation, every “you should have seen them today” — I carry by myself. A widow doesn’t just lose a husband. She loses the only other person on earth who loved her kids the way she does.
So if someone tells you they know exactly how you feel, it’s okay to know in your heart that they don’t — and to be gentle with them anyway. They’re trying.
Other People’s Opinions
Everyone will have one. When to go through their things. Whether to sell the house. Whether to move closer to family. Whether you should date — or whether it’s “too soon.”
This is your life and your grief, and you get to decide. There’s no right timeline for any of it. It’s wise to wait before making huge decisions if you can, and to lean on someone you trust when you do. But the choices are yours. Not theirs.
Dating Again — or Not
I’ve still not dated. I did go out once with someone I knew nearly 30 years ago. He was safe, familiar, easy. And I learned something: I’m still not ready.
And that’s okay. Some people are ready in a year. Some take ten. Some never want to — and that’s okay too. And if you try and realize you’re not ready, that isn’t failure. It’s just you learning where you are. There’s no deadline on your heart.
Take Care of You
After it happens, you’re not going to want to eat. That’s okay — but you need to. Even a few crackers, a little soup, a piece of toast. Whatever someone brings you, take a few bites.
I was cold. I couldn’t get warm. It really wasn’t all that cold, but I couldn’t stop shivering. Grief does strange things to your body. Keep a sweater close. Wrap up in a blanket. Let someone make you a cup of tea.
You have to learn to take care of you. Not “should.” Have to. Everyone around you needs you, and you can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s so, so important.
Try to sleep, even if it’s in their chair or with the TV on. Keep your own doctor’s appointments — grief is hard on the body, too.
And if the heaviness ever feels like more than you can carry, please tell someone — your doctor, your pastor, a friend. There’s a list of places to find help at the end of this page.
From One Widow to Another
Lighter
It didn’t get better.
Nobody told me that part.
The hole stayed the same size —
I just got stronger carrying it.
Some mornings now I wake
and my first thought isn’t him.
I used to feel guilty about that.
Now I think it’s grace.
After They Were Asleep
All day I was the mom —
the lunches, the rides, the bills, the work,
the “everything’s going to be okay.”
After they were asleep,
I was the widow.
I cried in the laundry room
so the dryer would cover the sound.
Then I folded their clothes,
and went to bed,
and got up,
and did it all again.
The Box
Married. Single. Divorced. Widowed.
The first time I had to check that box,
my pen just stopped.
I wasn’t single. I didn’t leave.
I was still his wife in every way that mattered —
except the one the form was asking about.
I checked it. I finished the form.
Then I sat in the car for a long time.
To the One Behind Me
I won’t tell you time will heal,
or that you’ll be fine by spring;
I’ll tell you that you’ll learn to carry
what feels like too heavy a thing.
You’ll laugh again and not feel wrong,
you’ll say their name and smile;
the weight won’t leave, but you’ll grow strong.
Just rest here for a while.
Poems © Noted & Charmed. Free to share for personal, non-commercial use with credit.
Good Can Come from Grief
This whole business started with him.
When my husband died, I couldn’t afford $4.50 each for a simple funeral program — one sheet of paper, folded in half. But I wanted him to have something beautiful. Something that fit him. He loved bluegrass, so I made him a program with a banjo resting against a wooden fence.
That was before Canva, before this website, before any of this. Over the years, I designed hundreds of programs — then printed, folded, and delivered them myself, with love, every ounce of support I could muster, and sometimes, hugs. I just wanted families who couldn’t afford what was out there to have something beautiful for the person they loved. Every program I design still carries a little bit of him.
Good can come from grief. It doesn’t make the loss worth it — nothing does. But it can give all that love somewhere to go.
If you’re reading this in the first days or weeks, I’m so sorry. I know how heavy it is right now. You don’t have to have it figured out. You just have to get through today. And then tomorrow. It will get lighter. I promise.
— Christine, a widow, and the heart behind Noted & Charmed
Where to Find Help
When you’re grieving, even searching for help feels like too much. So I gathered it all in one place. Bookmark this page, or ask a friend to help you make the calls.
If you’re struggling right now
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — If grief ever turns into thoughts of not wanting to be here, please call or text 988. You can reach someone any time, day or night.
- Crisis Text Line — If it’s easier to text than talk, text HOME to 741741.
- In an emergency, call 911.
Connect with other widowed people
- Soaring Spirits International — Peer support made just for widowed people, including an online community, a widowed pen pal program, and Camp Widow events. soaringspirits.org · 877-671-4071
- Modern Widows Club — A community and mentoring organization for widows. modernwidowsclub.org
- GriefShare — Grief support groups that meet in churches and community centers across the country. griefshare.org
- Your local hospice — Many hospices offer free bereavement groups for the whole community, even if your spouse was never in hospice care. Just call and ask.
- Your church or place of worship — Many have grief ministries, meal trains, and people who will simply sit with you.
Counseling
- Your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) — Ask HR. Many jobs offer free, confidential counseling sessions.
- Psychology Today therapist finder — Search for counselors near you who specialize in grief. psychologytoday.com
- Open Path Collective — Lower-cost counseling for people who can’t afford full-price therapy. openpathcollective.org
If you have children
- The Dougy Center — Resources for grieving children and teens, and help finding support programs near you. dougy.org
- Comfort Zone Camp — Free camps for children who have lost a parent, sibling, or primary caregiver. comfortzonecamp.org
- Experience Camps — Free camps for grieving kids. experience.camp
- Your child’s school counselor — Let the school know what happened. Counselors and teachers can watch for kids who are struggling.
If your spouse served in the military
- TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) — Support for families of those who served, with a 24/7 helpline. taps.org · 800-959-TAPS (8277)
- VA Survivor Benefits — va.gov, or ask a Veteran Service Officer for free help.
Money, bills, and benefits
- Social Security Survivors Benefits — 1-800-772-1213 · ssa.gov/survivors
- 211 — Dial 2-1-1 or visit 211.org for local help with bills, utilities, food, housing, and more.
- Government benefits finder — See what programs you may qualify for at usa.gov/benefits.
- NAIC Life Insurance Policy Locator — Free help finding life insurance policies. naic.org
- Unclaimed property — Search for forgotten money in their name. unclaimed.org
Health insurance
- HealthCare.gov — If you lost coverage when your spouse died, you may be able to sign up for a new plan right away. healthcare.gov
Legal help
- LawHelp.org — Find free or low-cost legal aid in your state for things like the house title, wills, and estates. lawhelp.org
These resources are shared for information only. Noted & Charmed is not affiliated with these organizations, and programs can change — please check each one for current details.