When Your Grandparent Dies: A Grief Guide for Adult Grandchildren

When a grandparent dies, people often say, "They lived a long, full life," or "At least you had them for so long." They mean it kindly, and it may even be true. But it doesn't make the hole any smaller. For many of us, a grandparent was a safe place, the house with the cookie jar, the voice on the phone every Sunday, the one who thought we hung the moon.

Since I started making these guides, I've heard from so many grown grandchildren who felt their grief was brushed aside. Some were in their twenties and losing someone close for the first time. Some were raised by their grandparent and lost the only parent they really knew. Others were trying to grieve while also looking after their own mom or dad, who had just lost a parent.

I wanted to make something just for you, grounded in what research actually shows about adults who lose a grandparent, and written in plain, everyday words. Read it a little at a time if that's all you can manage. There's no rush here.

This guide is part of our series Grieving as an Adult: A Gentle Guide for Every Kind of Loss.

"Expected" Doesn't Mean Easy

Researchers who study this kind of loss say the same thing many grandchildren feel. Even though a grandparent's death in adulthood is often an expected life event, it can still bring real grief.

A study of 74 college students who had lost a grandparent found that several things shaped how they grieved: how the death happened, how close they were, the role they played in the family, and their own way of coping. In other words, there's no "right size" for this grief. If your grandparent was at the center of your life, your grief will be big too.

For many people in their twenties and thirties, a grandparent's death is the first close loss of their life. If you've never grieved like this before, the tiredness, the fog, the trouble sleeping and the sudden waves of sadness can feel frightening. They are normal. Grief tends to come in waves, not neat stages, and a wave hitting you weeks or months later doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

Grieving While Your Parent Grieves Too

When your grandparent dies, your mom or dad has lost a parent. You may find yourself grieving and worrying about them at the same time.

Research backs this up. In a study of young adult grandchildren, those who worried about their grieving parent reported stronger grief themselves. The effect was even stronger when that parent was their mother, and when they lived in the same home.

• You can support your parent without setting your own grief aside.
• Your loss is real too. You didn't just lose "Mom's mom" or "Dad's dad." You lost your grandparent.
• Let others share the load: siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends.
• Your parent's grief and yours may look different, and that's okay.

If your mom or dad is struggling, our guide When Your Mom or Dad Dies may help them.

Everyone in the Family Grieves Differently

The same study found that grandsons who lost a grandmother reported fewer grief symptoms than any other grandchild-and-grandparent pairing. That doesn't mean they cared less. People show grief in different ways. Some talk, some keep busy, some fix things, some go quiet. Try not to measure your grief against a brother's, a cousin's or a parent's.

When Your Grandparent Raised You

For some people, a grandparent wasn't just "Grandma" or "Grandpa" on holidays. They were the one who packed lunches, signed permission slips and waited up at night. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 6.7 million adults age 30 and older lived with their grandchildren in 2021, and roughly a third of those grandparents were responsible for the children's care.

If your grandparent raised you, you have lost a parent. Your grief may be as deep as losing a mother or father, even if others don't see it that way. It's okay to say plainly, "They raised me."

Distance, Regret and Missed Goodbyes

Adult life pulls us in many directions. Maybe you didn't visit as often as you wanted. Maybe you didn't make it in time, or couldn't get to the funeral because of distance, money, school or work. Regret is one of the most common parts of grief.

• Write a letter to your grandparent saying what you didn't get to say.
• Hold your own small goodbye: visit a place they loved, cook their recipe or light a candle.
• Ask family to share photos, the program or a recording of the service.
• Remember that one missed visit doesn't erase years of love.

Time Off From Work or School

Many people aren't sure whether they can take time off when a grandparent dies. The rules depend on your employer and your state. In California, for example, a law that took effect in 2023 gives eligible workers up to five days of bereavement leave for the death of a family member, including a grandparent, to be used within three months of the death. That leave is unpaid unless your employer's policy says otherwise. Check your employee handbook or ask HR.

If you're a student, contact your professors or the dean of students as soon as you can. Many schools have bereavement policies for missed classes and deadlines.

After Caring for a Grandparent, or Losing Them to Dementia

If you helped care for your grandparent, you may feel relief, guilt and exhaustion all at once. These feelings can sit side by side, and none of them means you loved them less. If dementia took parts of them away before they died, you may have been grieving for a long time already. That earlier grief counts too. Our guide When the Caring Ends may help.

The Last Grandparent and the End of a Generation

Losing your last grandparent can feel like the end of an era. The family stories, the old recipes and the gathering place may suddenly feel at risk. Your parents are now the oldest generation, and that can be unsettling. Many people find comfort in becoming the "keeper" of the family's stories.

What Gets Passed Down

Grandparents pass down more than heirlooms. They pass down recipes, sayings, faith, humor and ways of doing things. Researchers studying young adults found that losing a grandparent can lead to new meaning and family rituals, and can even nudge people toward new steps in their own lives.

• Write down their recipes and sayings before they fade.
• Ask older relatives for stories while you still can.
• Wear, use or display something that was theirs.
• Bring one of their traditions into your own home.
• Mark their birthday each year in a small way.

Holidays and Changing Family Roles

Holidays may feel very different, especially if your grandparent was the one who brought everyone together. Talk with family ahead of time about what to keep, what to change and how to include their memory, like a toast, a lit candle or their favorite dish on the table.

Helping Your Own Children Grieve a Great-Grandparent

If you have children, they may be grieving too, even while you're still grieving yourself. Simple, honest words help most. Our guide for children grieving a grandparent can walk you through it and includes a free memory book.

When Your Grief Feels Overlooked

Sometimes people expect you to be "back to normal" after a few days. If your grief feels unseen, you're not alone. You may find comfort in When Your Grief Isn't Recognized.

When to Reach Out for More Help

Grief can stay heavy for a long time, and that's normal. But please reach out to your doctor, a licensed counselor or a grief support group if, after many months:

• You still can't manage daily life, work or school
• You feel numb, hopeless or stuck
• You're leaning on alcohol or other substances to get through
• You have thoughts of not wanting to live

Free Resources

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, any time (U.S.)
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
• Grieving as an Adult: A Gentle Guide for Every Kind of Loss

Sources

• Stokes, J. E., Kim, Y. K., Kim, K., & Fingerman, K. L. "Grieving a Grandparent: The Importance of Gender and Multigenerational Relationships." Journal of Marriage and Family (Family Exchanges Study, Wave 2).
• Manoogian, M. M., et al. (2018). "Emerging Adults' Experiences of Grandparent Death." OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 76(4), 351–372.
• U.S. Census Bureau (2024). "Grandparents Living With Grandchildren."
• California Assembly Bill 1949 (2022), Government Code §12945.7.

You can download Passed Down: A Grief Companion for Adult Grandchildren free anytime. Please share it with someone who needs it.