If you only have a moment
Children cope better with honest words they can understand, so use “dying” instead of softer phrases, and remind them often that it isn't their fault. Most children can visit when they're willing and have heard beforehand what they'll find in the room, and when the team says death is near, let each child choose whether to be there. Keep school and routines going, and lean on the hospice team, including its social worker and chaplain, who are there for your children too.
Maybe your child stands in the doorway of the room where Grandma sleeps most of the day now, and won't come in. Maybe your teenager has stopped asking questions at all. Or maybe someone on the hospice team asked, kindly, "Have you talked with the kids?" You nodded, and you haven't, because you don't know where to start.
I know what it is to stand in front of children with news you'd give anything not to carry. That's why I wrote this, and the three books that go with it: so no family has to find these words alone, and so children living through a hospice stay get more than a pamphlet.
So let's go gently. Below are the things that matter most: what to say at each age, visits, the last days, keeping life steady, and the families whose story looks a little different. The three free books go deeper whenever you're ready.
If it's your child's mom or dad who is dying, start with Telling Your Children a Parent Is Dying: What to Say, Age by Age. If the person has already died, see When a Child Loses a Grandparent or When a Child Loses a Parent.
Jump to: Why honest words help · What to say at each age · If someone says don't tell · Should children visit? · When death is close · Keeping life steady · Making things together · When your story is different · What hospice can do · Take care of yourself · When a child needs more help · What can wait
Why Honest Words Help
Every loving instinct says to protect children by saying less. I understand that. But children notice the hushed phone calls and the new faces at the door, and when no one explains, they fill the quiet with worries that are often worse than the truth.
When researchers ask children themselves, most say they want to know. In one study of children and teens whose parent was being cared for at home near the end of life, about two in three wanted more information than they got, and about one in four teens had questions they didn't dare ask. In a large study of young people who lost a parent to cancer in their early teens, nearly all of them, 98 percent, said teens should be told when death is near. Only a little more than half had been.
Honest doesn't mean telling everything at once. It means true, simple words that fit the child, a little at a time, and coming back to talk again.
What to Say at Each Age
Use the real words "dying" and "died." Softer phrases like "going to sleep," "passing away," or "we lost him" can confuse and frighten children. And with every age, say it more than once: nothing they did, said, or thought caused this.
Toddlers and preschoolers (2 to 5) need very short, concrete words. "Grandpa's body is very sick. The doctors can't make it better. He is going to die." Expect the same questions again and again. That's how little ones make sense of it.
Young children (6 to 9) do best when you name the illness and answer body questions honestly. Many will ask, out loud or not, "Who will take care of me?" Tell them.
Older children (10 to 12) can take in more detail, an honest sense of time, and a say in some choices. Watch for the child who goes quiet to protect you.
Teens (13 to 18) need the truth early, including when death is close. Give them choices, privacy, and permission to still be a teenager. The Time We Have has sample words for every age, including words for the person who is dying.
When you want more than a blog post can hold, these three books are here. They're free, and each one speaks to a different person in your family.
Three Books for Your Family: Free to Download, or Printed
There's one book for the grown-ups, one for younger children, and one for teens. They're written to be used together, so each person in the family has something that speaks to them.
Free to print at home, or a printed paperback
The PDFs are free, always, with no sign-up. Print as many copies as your family needs. If you'd rather not print and bind that many pages at home, or you want something sturdy for a child to carry and keep, the printed paperbacks are on Amazon. The price covers printing and binding. See all our books on the Books page.
If Someone Says "Don't Tell Them"
Sometimes a grandparent, an aunt, or even the person who is dying asks you to keep it from the children. It almost always comes from love. You can honor that love and still be honest: talk with them about what the children are already noticing, and ask the hospice social worker or chaplain to help the family find words everyone can live with.
Should Children Visit?
For most children, the answer is yes, if they want to and if they're ready. Children who are kept away often imagine something much worse than what's really in the room.
Before a visit, tell them what they may see and hear. Their person may sleep most of the time but may still hear them. They may eat and drink very little, because the body doesn't need it anymore, and that isn't what causes the dying. Their skin may look pale or feel cool, they may seem confused, and their breathing may change or sound noisy. Knowing ahead makes these things much less frightening.
Give them something to do (a drawing, a song, a story, lotion for Grandma's hands) and a signal for when they need a break. Let them choose, and let them change their mind. If a child doesn't want to go in, or can't, a video call, a card, or a recorded "I love you" counts just as much.
In the books: Our Time Together has visit pages to fill in with a younger child before they go. Download it free or get the paperback.
When Death Is Close
This is the part we most want to skip, and the part children most need us not to. When the hospice team says death may be hours or days away, tell the children. Let each one decide whether they want to be there, nearby, or somewhere else with a grown-up they trust.
Ask them ahead of time how they'd want to hear the news if it comes while they're at school or asleep: picked up early, or told when they get home. Name a backup grown-up who can bring them. Nobody can promise the timing, but a plan means no child finds out in a frightening way.
Free printable: Our Plan: Children and the Hospice Days (1 page) · en español. For: families with children of any age. A fill-in page for each child: what they want to know, their visit plan and break signal, how they want to hear the news, a backup grown-up, and who to call. Keep it on the fridge.
In the books: The Time We Have walks you through what to say when death is close and how to help each child say goodbye in their own way. Download it free or get the paperback.
Keeping Life Steady
Routines, school, friends, and fun aren't extras right now. They help children feel safe. Let your child's teacher or school counselor know what's happening, so the adults there can watch out for them.
If a teen is helping with care, thank them, out loud and often. Then make sure they still get to be a kid: time with friends, practice, a night off.
For teens: The Time In Between gives a teen a private place to put what they're carrying, including pages on setting limits when they're helping with care. Download it free or get the paperback.
Making Things Together
Handprints, recorded stories, letters, and memory boxes give children a way to say "I love you" with their hands, and something to hold on to later. Even two minutes counts. And if their person is too tired, simply sitting together is enough.
In the books: Our Time Together is made for exactly this, with keepsake pages for a child and their special person to fill in side by side. For teens, The Time In Between has pages for the memories and words they want to keep.
When Your Family's Story Looks Different
When the one who is dying is a brother or sister, the other children can get lost in the hospital hours. Research with bereaved siblings found that getting little information in the last month, or being told only the day before, was linked with harder grief years later. Keep them close to what's happening, and give them their own time with you. If the sick child is under 21 and has Medicaid or CHIP, they may be able to keep some treatment while in hospice; ask the hospice about "concurrent care." The Time We Have has a page just for this.
When you're the grandparent raising the children, you may be grieving your own child or spouse while caring for theirs. The same words work, and you deserve support too.
When children live in two homes, try to have every grown-up use the same words and share news with each other, even if that's hard. Children shouldn't learn the big things from a cousin or a phone screen.
When a child has autism, an intellectual disability, or another difference, they grieve too, even if it looks different. Plain words, pictures, a visit planned step by step, and keeping routines can help. The child's school team or therapist can help you plan.
When faith is part of your family, you can share your beliefs about what comes next and still be clear that the body is dying. If your family has no faith, "I don't know, and people believe different things" is an honest answer too.
When you or the children speak another language, or someone is Deaf, ask the hospice for a professional interpreter, so a child is never the one asked to explain what the nurse said.
When family lives far away, video calls, recorded messages, and mailed drawings let children stay close. The hospice team can help you set up a call at the bedside.
For other families: when someone a child loves is dying in prison, there's a free guide for children of every age, and when a younger veteran with children is in hospice, there's help with benefits too.
What Hospice Can Do for Your Children
You don't have to do this alone, and the hospice team expects to help. Ask the social worker or chaplain to talk with your children, to help you plan what to say, or to be there for a hard conversation. Some hospices have child life specialists or children's grief programs; it's always worth asking.
Medicare-certified hospices must also offer grief support to the family for up to a year after a death, and that includes children. After a death, free grief groups and camps, like Camp Erin, are there too. You can search for a children's grief program near you through the National Alliance for Children's Grief.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
I know you're running on almost nothing. But research shows children's well-being is closely tied to how the grown-ups caring for them are doing. Resting, eating, asking for help, and getting support for your own grief aren't selfish. They're part of caring for your children.
When a Child Needs More Help
Most children cope with the love and steadiness of the adults around them. Reach out to your hospice team, your child's doctor, or a counselor if reactions are intense or keep getting worse, if a child can't manage at school or home, or if a teen turns to risky behavior.
If a child or teen talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, get help right away. Call or text 988 (for Spanish, call 988 and press 2), or call 911 in an emergency.
What Can Wait
You don't have to have the perfect words before you start. You don't have to answer every question about heaven or what comes after; "I don't know" is allowed. Memory books don't have to be finished, and funeral questions can wait until you're ready. Right now, being honest and staying close is enough.
You Don't Need to Get It Perfect
Years from now, your children won't remember whether you said it exactly right. They'll remember that you told them the truth, that you let them be part of it, and that you held on to them. That is what you're giving them, even on the days it doesn't feel like enough.
For Hospice Teams
A companion Staff Guide for Social Workers and Child Life Staff, with a research summary, family meeting outline, scripts, school letters, screening, referral, and forms, is free in our Hospice Staff Library. Hospices may print and share all three family books with the families they serve.
More Help
- Our Plan: Children and the Hospice Days (1-page printable) · en español
- Telling Your Children a Parent Is Dying: What to Say, Age by Age
- Finding the Words (2-page printable) · en español
- Helping Children Understand Hospice and Death
- Should Children Attend a Funeral?
- When a Child Loses a Grandparent
- Grieving Before Goodbye (for you)
Please note: Noted & Charmed is not a medical or mental health provider. This guide and the free books are general information and comfort, not medical, psychological, or legal advice, and not a substitute for care from your hospice team, your child's doctor, or a licensed counselor.
If you or a child is in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
These resources are free, always. If this helped your family and you'd like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift.
With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed