Planning a Funeral After Traumatic Loss: A Gentle Guide for Families

Someone you love was taken suddenly, maybe violently. Now people are asking you to choose a casket, a date, a song, and you're wondering how anyone is supposed to do this right now.

I know what it's like to plan a funeral while you're still in shock. I haven't walked every road that brings families here, and I won't pretend to know yours. But I know how much it helps when someone tells you what's coming.

So here's what this guide covers: what to expect, what you can ask for, and what can wait. You don't have to do any of it alone.

Jump to: Slowing down · The medical examiner · Seeing them · What to say about it · Your privacy · Where it happened · Paying for it · A service that's theirs · What can wait · Taking care of you

You Can Slow Down

Ask for time. Funeral homes are used to families in shock. "Can we come back to this tomorrow?" is a perfectly fine thing to say.

Let someone else take a turn. A steadier friend or relative can sit in on meetings, take notes and make calls.

You don't need a date yet. If a medical examiner or coroner is involved, you may not know right away when your loved one will be released. A memorial can also be held weeks later.

When the Medical Examiner or Coroner Is Involved

After a sudden or violent death, the medical examiner or coroner usually steps in. It's routine, and it isn't an accusation against anyone in your family.

Autopsies usually don't need family permission. The office decides when one is needed, and many counties don't charge families for it.

If your faith objects to autopsy, call the office right away. Some states have laws that let families object on religious grounds, and many offices try to honor those objections. They can't always, especially after a homicide or the sudden death of a child or younger adult.

Ask how long they expect to keep your loved one, and who your contact person is.

If you want cremation, say so early. When there's an investigation, cremation may need extra approval, and your loved one may be held longer. Tell the detective or the medical examiner's office as soon as you know.

Ask about their belongings. Clothing, jewelry or a phone may be kept as evidence for a while. Ask what will be returned, and when, so you can plan what they'll wear and keep with them.

A "pending" death certificate is normal. While the cause is still being studied, the certificate may say "pending." That's usually enough for the funeral home to move forward, but life insurance companies may not accept it. Ask the office whether they can give you a letter for insurers in the meantime, and when the final certificate will be ready.

Deciding Whether to See Them

For many families, seeing their person is how goodbye becomes real. After a traumatic death, viewing may be limited or not possible at all, and that isn't anyone's failure, least of all yours.

The research gives honest, mixed answers. In a British study of 80 people bereaved by suicide or other traumatic deaths, viewing was often hard, but few who chose it regretted it. An Australian study of 64 relatives found that many valued seeing the body. Some were left with painful images, and some who didn't see the body wished they had.

What seems to help most is a real choice and honest preparation:

• Ask the funeral director to describe what you'll see before you decide.
• Ask about partial contact, like holding a hand, or a short private viewing for close family only.
• Let one person go first and tell the others what to expect.
• If viewing isn't possible, a closed casket covered with photos, letters and favorite things can still feel like them.

There's no wrong answer here.

Choosing What to Say

You decide what's shared about how they died. An obituary can say "died suddenly" or give no cause at all. If they died by suicide, some families choose to say so plainly, without details. Both are okay.

Make sure your funeral home is a good fit. After a suicide, it's okay to ask up front, or have a friend ask, whether they're comfortable serving your family. You deserve to be treated like any other family.

Talk with whoever leads the service ahead of time. Tell them what you want said, what you don't want said, and the stories that show who your person was. Ask them to keep the focus on the life, not how it ended.

If you're worried your faith community will treat the funeral differently, talk with your faith leader early, so there are no surprises on the day.

Have a simple answer ready. At the visitation, someone may ask how it happened. You can say, "We're not sharing details right now. Thank you for being here."

Protecting Your Privacy

If the death is in the news, reporters may call within hours.

• You don't have to talk to the media. You're allowed to grieve in private and to refuse reporters and cameras at the funeral or burial.
• Pick one family spokesperson if you do want to say something.
• Ask the funeral home about a private service or invitation-only visitation. You can leave the time and place out of the public obituary.
• Set social media accounts to private, yours and theirs, and ask friends not to post photos from the service.
• If you're worried about safety, tell the funeral director and the detective or victim advocate on the case.

The Place Where It Happened

You don't have to clean it yourself, and you shouldn't have to. Professional trauma cleaning companies handle this. If the death was a crime, ask your victim advocate whether your state's compensation program covers the cost.

Paying for It

You can compare prices. Under the FTC's Funeral Rule, funeral homes must give you prices over the phone and an itemized price list in person. You choose only what you want.

If the death was caused by a crime, ask about victim compensation. Every state has a crime victim compensation program, and most help with funeral and burial costs. It usually pays you back after you've paid, so keep every receipt. You can often apply even if no one has been arrested. Apply in the state where the crime happened. A victim advocate at the police department or district attorney's office can help. Limits and rules vary by state.

After a car crash, auto insurance may help with funeral costs. Ask the insurer.

Let people help. A fundraiser, a meal train or a friend covering a cost isn't a burden. It's often the one thing people feel they can do.

Letting the Service Be Theirs

A service after a loss like this doesn't have to be hushed and formal. Play their music. Fill a table with everyday photos, not just posed ones. Let friends, coworkers or teammates speak. Give people who want to help a job: carrying something, reading a poem, setting out photos.

If children loved them, they need a gentle way to say goodbye too. Our guide Should Children Attend a Funeral? can help you decide.

What Can Wait

• The headstone, which can wait many months
• Details of the investigation or any court case
• Their room and belongings
• Thank-you notes
• A larger memorial or celebration of life, if you'd rather hold one later

Taking Care of You

Eat something, even if it's small. Drink water. Rest when you can. Shock can make you feel numb, furious or strangely calm, sometimes all in one afternoon. All of it is normal.

Look out for each other. A loss like this hits everyone who loved them. If someone in your circle seems to be struggling, check on them, and make sure they know they can call or text 988.

People who've lost someone the same way can help in a way others can't. These are free:

• After a suicide or overdose: the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention lists suicide loss support groups, and our guide After a Suicide or Overdose Loss is here for you.
• After a homicide: Parents of Murdered Children has chapters across the country.
• After a drunk or drugged driving crash: MADD's Victim Help Line is open 24/7 at 1-877-MADD-HELP (1-877-623-3435).
• After the death of a child of any age: The Compassionate Friends has chapters in every state.

When the service is over, After the Funeral: Living With Traumatic Loss is here for the weeks and months that come next.

More Help

• Paying for a Funeral: What It Costs, Your Rights, Your Options and Who Can Help
• When Someone Dies Unexpectedly: What to Do in the First 72 Hours
• After the Funeral: Living With Traumatic Loss
• After a Sudden or Violent Loss (free companion book)
• After a Suicide or Overdose Loss
• When the Loss Was Someone Else's Fault
• Free Funeral Planning Checklist

Please note: This is general information, not legal, medical or benefits advice. Rules for medical examiners, autopsies, cremation and victim compensation vary by state and county, so your local medical examiner or coroner's office, your funeral director and your victim advocate are your best guides. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed