Attending a Catholic Funeral: A Gentle Guide for Family and Friends

The night before my sister-in-law's funeral, we went to the vigil at the mortuary. I'm not Catholic, and the prayers just kept coming: Hail Mary after Hail Mary, Our Father after Our Father. Everything I knew about Hail Marys came from the jokes kids tell in high school, where you say them when you've done something wrong.

When we got in the car, my husband looked over and asked what was wrong. I looked right back at him and asked, "Just how bad was your sister?"

He asked why on earth I'd think she was bad. So I explained: all those Hail Marys, all those Our Fathers. Then, just to make my case, I told him one of those high school jokes.

Once he stopped laughing, he explained. That's the night I learned what a vigil is.

So if you're headed to a Catholic funeral and feeling a little lost, you're in good company. Here's what happens, from the wake to the graveside, and what it all means, so you can relax and be there for the family.

Three Parts, One Goodbye

A Catholic funeral usually comes in three parts:

• The vigil, or wake, usually at the funeral home during visitation.
• The funeral Mass at church. Sometimes the funeral is held without a Mass, at the church or the funeral home.
• The committal, a few short prayers at the grave.

You're welcome at any or all of them. If you can only make one, go to the one where you can really be present.

The Wake: The Gentlest Place to Start

The wake is where people gather around the family, remember, and pray. It may include a short service of readings and prayers, led by a priest, deacon or someone from the family.

You might hear the Rosary. It's a prayer said on a string of beads: the Our Father, then ten Hail Marys, over and over in sets. All those prayers have nothing to do with anything the person did. Catholics pray for those who have died, and the repetition is meant to settle the heart. If you don't know the words, just sit and let it wash over you. No one is waiting for you to join in.

Bring your stories here. Most parishes would rather the funny, tender, "you won't believe what he did" stories be told at the wake, not at the Mass. If you have a memory to share, this is your moment.

Walking Into the Church

Give yourself time. Plan on about an hour for the Mass itself. One parish's guidelines ask that it not run over an hour, and many are close to that.

The bowl of water by the door is holy water. Catholics dip their fingers and make the sign of the cross. You don't have to. A quiet nod, or simply walking in and finding a seat, is respectful.

Not sure where to sit? Ask an usher or someone from the funeral home. The family usually walks in with the casket and sits up front.

The program is your map. Most of what's said and sung will be printed there.

What Happens at the Funeral Mass

At the door. The priest meets the casket and sprinkles it with holy water, a reminder of the person's baptism. Family members often lay a white cloth, called a pall, over the casket. It's a sign that everyone is equal before God.

If they served in the military, don't be startled when the flag comes off the casket at the church door. Flags and emblems are set aside inside the church so the pall can take their place. The flag goes back on as the casket leaves, and military honors usually happen at the cemetery.

Readings and the homily. Family or friends may read from Scripture. Then the priest or deacon speaks about hope and God's love. He may talk about the person's life, but this part isn't meant to be a eulogy, so don't be surprised if it feels less personal than you expected.

A few words from family. Some parishes let one person speak briefly near the end. Others don't. If no one from the family speaks, that's the parish's practice, not a reflection on how loved the person was.

The sign of peace. At one point, the people around you will turn and offer a handshake or a small wave. Just return it. "Peace be with you" is plenty.

The farewell. At the end, the priest prays over the casket, sometimes with incense, entrusting the person to God. Then everyone follows the casket out.

Communion: What to Do When the Rows Go Forward

This is the moment that worries most guests, so let's make it simple.

If you're not Catholic, you can stay in your seat. For Catholics, Communion is a sign of sharing one faith, so it's meant for Catholics. Staying seated isn't rude, and it isn't a judgment of you. It's what the Church asks of guests, and it's exactly what's expected. Just turn your knees so people can step past, and use the moment to hold the family in your heart.

You may see people go up with their arms crossed to receive a blessing instead. Some parishes invite this. Others ask people not to. Unless the priest invites it out loud, staying in your seat is the surest choice.

If you're Catholic but it's been a while, you're welcome there, full stop. The Church asks those receiving to have fasted an hour and to be free of serious sin. If you're unsure, it's fine to stay seated. No one will wonder why.

If you're Eastern Orthodox, Catholic rules don't object to you receiving, but your own church may ask you not to, so follow what your priest has taught you.

Standing, Sitting and Kneeling

You'll stand, sit and kneel many times. Follow the room as much as feels right. Guests of other faiths, and anyone whose knees or health say no, can simply sit while others kneel. You can sing and pray along, or stay quiet. Both are fine.

At the Cemetery

The committal is short: a few prayers at the grave. For veterans, this is often where you'll see the flag folded and honors given.

If they were cremated, the urn may be at the Mass. The Church allows cremation, though it prefers burial of the body. It asks that the ashes be buried or placed in a cemetery or other sacred place, not scattered, kept at home or divided among family. Since 2023, a family may also ask to place a small portion in a sacred place that meant something in the person's life.

If you're invited to a meal afterward, go if you can. That's often where the laughter comes back.

Mass Cards and Other Ways to Help

A Mass card. Catholics pray for those who have died, and one of the most cherished gifts is a Mass offered in the person's name. You make a small offering, often about $10, through a parish office or a Catholic mission group. A priest offers a Mass for them, and you give the family a card saying so. The Mass may be weeks or months away. You don't have to be Catholic to give one.

Flowers can go to the funeral home or the family's home, unless the obituary asks for donations.

A meal for the family in the days after is always a kindness.

The first anniversary. Families may have a Mass said for the person around then. A card that week, when everyone else has moved on, can mean more than you'll ever know.

What to Wear and What to Say

Dress as you would for church: dark or quiet colors, nothing too casual, unless the family asks for something different.

Keep your words simple: "I'm so sorry." "I'll keep her in my prayers." Or one thing you loved about their person. Catholics pray for those who have died, so "I'm praying for him" lands as real comfort. Our guide on what to say to someone who is grieving has more.

Making Room for Everyone

Not Catholic, or not religious? You belong there. Coming to honor someone you cared about is reason enough.

If they hadn't been to church in years, the family may worry about that. Not going to Mass isn't one of the reasons the Church gives for refusing a funeral. Those reasons are narrow and rare.

If they died by suicide, the Church holds their funeral and prays for them. Its teaching says not to give up hope for them, and the funeral rite has prayers written for this very loss. You don't need to explain anything. Just come.

If it's a baby or child, the Church has gentle rites written just for children, including for babies who died before they could be baptized, through miscarriage or stillbirth. A bishop can allow the funeral when the parents meant to have their child baptized. The service may look a little different, and that's part of the care.

If the family is Latino, you may be invited to a velorio (wake) and the novenario, nine nights of Rosary prayers, often in a family home. Going even one night means a great deal.

Need an aisle seat, room for a wheelchair, or a spot by the door? Tell an usher when you arrive. If you're Deaf or hard of hearing, ask the family or parish ahead of time about an interpreter or a captioned livestream.

Far away? Ask whether there's a livestream, and send a card or a Mass card. It counts.

Bringing children? Should Children Attend a Funeral? can help you prepare them.

If your place in their life isn't printed in the program (an ex, a stepchild, a partner, a longtime friend), you still belong in that church. When Your Grief Isn't Recognized was written for you.

If You're Helping the Family Plan

• Call the parish first. A funeral Mass can't be held on a few days of the year, including Holy Thursday through Easter Sunday and the Sundays of Advent, Lent and Easter season. A funeral without Mass is still possible, with a memorial Mass later.
• Ask about speaking before anyone writes a speech: whether it's allowed, how long, and whether the priest wants to see it first.
• Keep the photo boards for the wake. During Mass, only Christian symbols, like a cross or a Bible, sit on or near the casket.
• If your person wasn't Catholic but worshiped with the family or had a Catholic spouse, ask the priest. Many dioceses can allow Catholic funeral rites.
• If cremation is planned, talk with the priest about timing and where the ashes will rest.
• Add one kind line to the program letting guests know they're welcome to stay seated at Communion. Our guide to making prayer cards can help with keepsakes.
• Hand out jobs with our free Who's Doing What helper sheet.

More Help

• What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving (and What to Avoid)
• Funeral Scriptures for Women and Men
• Bible Verses and Poems for a Funeral Program
• How to Create & Print Your Prayer Cards
• Honoring Faith and Culture at the End of Life
• All our free printables

Attending a different service? See our gentle guides to Baptist funerals and homegoing celebrations, Jehovah's Witness memorial services and military funerals.

Please note: This is general information, not religious advice. Customs and rules differ from diocese to diocese and parish to parish, so the family, the parish office and the funeral home are your best guides for any one service. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed