If you only have a moment
Begin with any wishes they wrote down, find out who gets the final say under your state's law, and remember that you can buy only the pieces you want from the funeral home, even taking a casket or urn you found at another store. Pick the kind of gathering that fits them, even weeks from now if that gives everyone room to breathe, and fill it with their songs, stories and people. Then hand out jobs to friends and family so you can simply be there.
Someone hands you a pen and a price list. Someone else asks which songs, which photo, which day. Your phone keeps buzzing with people asking when the service is. And you're still trying to believe this is real.
I've been there. When my husband died, I learned how many decisions land on you all at once, and how little room grief leaves for any of them.
So here are five things I'd want you to know before you plan the service. They won't make it easy. They'll help you spend your energy on what matters, and let the rest go.
Jump to: Their wishes · Your rights · The gathering and place · Making it theirs · Jobs for helpers · Taking care of you
Make your own plan. Our free What Do I Do Now? tool asks a few questions and lays out your family's steps for today, this week and the months ahead. Nothing you type is saved.
Funeral Planning Checklist
For: anyone planning a funeral, memorial or celebration of life right now (2 pages)
The first few days on page one: who to call, what the funeral home will ask for, and the decisions to make. Planning the service on page two: people to ask, music and readings, the program, and the day itself. Also in Spanish. Pair it with our one-page Who's Doing What helper sheet to hand to your helpers.
If the death was sudden and you're still in the first few days, start with When Someone Dies Unexpectedly: What to Do in the First 72 Hours.
1. Start With What They Wanted
Look for written wishes first. Check for a will, a prepaid funeral plan, a note in their papers, or a funeral home they already talked to. A prepaid plan may answer half your questions before you start.
It's okay if they didn't want a service. You can honor that and still gather a few people for a meal or a quiet hour of stories. A wish for "no fuss" usually isn't a wish to be forgotten.
Know who gets to decide. Every state has a law about who has the right to make funeral decisions. In many states, it's someone the person named in writing, then a spouse, then the adult children (often by majority), then parents and siblings. The order varies by state, so ask the funeral home how it works where you live.
If the family doesn't agree, start with what you do agree on: their name, their people, the things they loved. A pastor, celebrant or funeral director can help talk it through. In blended families, or with a partner they weren't married to, say out loud who should be included, in the room and in print.
2. Know Your Rights Before You Sign Anything
Under the Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule, you have real rights, and many families never hear about them:
- You can call for prices. Funeral homes must give you price information over the phone, and you don't have to give your name.
- You get a price list to keep. When you visit, they must give you an itemized General Price List.
- You choose only what you want. You don't have to buy a package.
- Embalming usually isn't required. No state law requires routine embalming for every death, though some states require embalming or refrigeration if burial or cremation is delayed.
- You can buy a casket or urn elsewhere. The funeral home can't refuse it or charge you a fee to use it.
- A casket isn't needed for cremation. Funeral homes that offer cremation must tell you about simpler containers, like cardboard or unfinished wood.
If money is tight, say so early. Direct cremation or immediate burial, with a memorial later, often costs far less than a traditional funeral. A gathering at home, a park or a place of worship can be just as loving.
Body donation is another choice. Some medical schools accept whole-body donation, in some cases without signing up ahead of time, and cover the cremation afterward. Each program has its own rules and may not accept every donor, so call the program at your nearest medical school.
Ask about help paying. A surviving spouse, or in some cases a child, may be able to get a one-time Social Security death payment of $255; you must apply within two years. If your loved one was a veteran, the VA offers burial benefits, including burial in a national cemetery, a headstone or marker, a Presidential Memorial Certificate, and a burial allowance for those who qualify.
3. Choose the Kind of Gathering, and the Place
Funeral, memorial, graveside or celebration of life. A funeral often has the casket present; a memorial or celebration of life may not. None is more "right" than another. Pick the one that sounds like them.
It doesn't have to be this week. If you choose cremation or a quick burial, a memorial can be held weeks later, when family can travel and you can breathe.
Faith, or no faith. If they had a faith, their clergy will guide you through its customs. If they didn't, a celebrant or a close friend can lead a service that has no religious parts at all. Our guide to honoring faith and culture can help you ask for what your family needs.
If they served, eligible veterans can receive military funeral honors. Honors are given once, so if there will be both a memorial now and a burial later, decide where you want them. Our military funeral guide walks you through it.
Pick a place everyone can reach. Ask about steps, ramps, seating, parking and restrooms. For family who can't travel, a simple livestream lets them be there too. Check the Wi-Fi, and give one person the job of running it.
4. Make It Sound and Look Like Them
The services people remember are the specific ones: the song they always sang in the car, the story only their brother can tell, the hat they never took off.
Make a short list of what was theirs. Favorite songs, sayings, foods, places, colors, the work they were proud of. Then let those small things shape the service.
Plan the music for three moments. Something gentle as people arrive, something personal in the middle, and something that sends people out with a little lift. A playlist works as well as live music. Our slideshow ideas and songs can help.
Share the speaking. Two or three people speaking for a few minutes each is often easier than asking one person to carry the whole eulogy. Our eulogy examples can help you start, and our fill-in-the-blank obituary templates make the obituary easier.
Make room for every guest. If some guests speak another language, a reading or a few lines in the program in that language means a lot. For Deaf or hard-of-hearing guests, ask early about an ASL interpreter or captions on the livestream. A few large-print programs help older eyes.
Name their people. In the obituary and the program, include the people who were truly family to them: a partner, stepchildren, chosen family, a lifelong friend.
5. Give People Something to Do
Grief is a little easier to carry when you have a job. Most people want to help and just don't know how.
Hand off the tasks. One person greets guests. One handles the food. One runs the music or livestream. And one is your go-to helper for the day: the person everyone calls with questions, so you don't have to answer them and can simply be there. Our Who's Doing What helper sheet (en español) has a line for every job and a timeline for the day.
Give guests a way to take part. A memory card table where they write a favorite story. A photo board people add to. A candle lighting, or a moment of silence.
Give children a role, if they want one. Handing out programs, carrying a flower, or choosing a song can help a child feel included. Our guide on whether children should attend a funeral can help you decide what's right for yours.
Think about the gathering after. If you're raising a glass, have good non-alcoholic choices too, so guests in recovery feel just as welcome. If their dog was their shadow, ask whether the venue allows pets. Sometimes it does.
Taking Care of You
Eat something. Drink water. Say yes to help. You don't have to make every choice tonight, or get everything right. The people who loved them will remember that they were honored, not whether the flowers matched.
When You're Ready for the Program
The program is the one thing guests take home. If you'd like help with it, our funeral program templates are editable in Canva, so you can add their photos and words yourself. Our guide to what to include in a funeral program walks through it page by page.
More Help
- Paying for a Funeral: What It Costs, Your Rights, Your Options and Who Can Help
- Funeral Planning Checklist (Printable)
- What to Include in a Celebration of Life, with our free planner
- Fill-in-the-Blank Obituary Templates
- What to Gather Before a Loved One Dies
- What to Include in a Funeral Program
- All our free printables
Please note: This is general information, not legal or financial advice. Laws about funeral decisions, embalming and benefits vary by state, so your funeral home, the Social Security Administration and the VA are your best guides. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
Download the Funeral Planning Checklist free (PDF) · En español
These resources are free, always. If this helped your family and you'd like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift.
With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed