Attending a Baptist Funeral or Homegoing Celebration: A Gentle Guide for Family and Friends

Maybe the text came in this morning: Homegoing service Saturday at 11, viewing at 10. Maybe it's a coworker's mother, a neighbor, or your best friend's grandfather. And now you're wondering what to wear, how long it will last, and whether you'll know what to do once you're inside.

I know how it feels to walk into a church with a heavy heart. And I know, from the other side, how much it means when people simply come. When I lost my husband, I don't remember most of what anyone said. I remember who showed up.

So here is what a Baptist funeral or homegoing usually looks like, from the viewing to the repast, so you can walk in calm and put your attention where it belongs: on the family.

Why No Two Services Are Alike

Every Baptist church governs itself. The Southern Baptist statement of faith calls each church "an autonomous local congregation," so there's no one rule book for funerals. A small country church, a large Southern Baptist church and a historic Black Baptist church may each do things their own way.

What they share is the hope at the center. Baptists believe that those who trust in Christ will be raised and "dwell forever in Heaven with the Lord." That's why the service can hold real tears and real joy in the same hour.

What "Homegoing" Means

A homegoing is a death understood as a return home: going home to God. The word is used especially in African American churches, and it has been in print since 1866.

The tradition reaches back to slavery, when funerals were one of the few times enslaved people could gather, grieve and sing about "going home to live with my God." Mourning there was followed by music and celebration, a way to let grief out while honoring a new life for the one who died. Today, many families still call it a homegoing or a celebration, and the service is often full of music, ceremony and dignity.

As one Baptist church puts it to its grieving families, "our grief (as painful as it may be) is yet tempered with hope."

The Viewing

Many families hold a viewing (also called a wake or family hour) at the funeral home the night before, or at the church right before the service. At one Minneapolis Baptist church, for example, the viewing runs 30 to 60 minutes and the service begins right after.

Sign the guest book. The family will treasure it later.

Walking past the casket is your choice. If you'd rather not, you can sit quietly or speak with the family instead.

Lodges, sororities or the military may honor them here. Some churches ask that fraternal, civic or military rites happen before or apart from the funeral service, so the viewing or the graveside is often where you'll see them.

What Happens During the Service

A Baptist funeral is a worship service. It can run under an hour or, for a homegoing, two hours or more. The printed program will be your map. Here's what you may see, using wording from a real North Carolina homegoing program:

• Prelude and Processional. Music plays as the clergy and family walk in together. Everyone stands.
• Hymns, gospel songs and a solo. The choir may lead, and songs like "When You Hear of My Home Going" set the tone.
• Scripture and prayer. Passages like Psalm 91, 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ("that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope") and John 14 are common.
• Acknowledgments and Resolutions. Cards, letters and messages are read, and so are resolutions: formal written tributes from the church or groups the person belonged to, honoring their life and service.
• The Obituary. Often read aloud, or left in the program for you to read.
• Remarks or "expressions." Family and friends share memories. Many churches ask speakers to keep it to about two minutes, and some allow only the people listed in the program.
• The Eulogy. The pastor preaches about the person's life and the hope of the gospel.
• Recessional. The funeral director may give brief instructions, then the family follows the casket out.

Programs often say "Sunrise" and "Sunset" beside the dates of birth and death. It's a gentle, hopeful way of marking a life. Take the program home. Years from now, it may be the thing that brings this day back.

Being a Guest: What's Expected of You

Follow the room. Stand when others stand. Sing if you know the song. Ushers will help you find a seat.

If you arrive late, wait at the door while the family walks in or while a prayer is going on, then slip in quietly.

Expect emotion, and let it be. Tears, "Amen," clapping and praise can all happen in the same service, and mourners are free to cry out their sorrow. Someone may be overcome. Attendants from the funeral home or church are there to care for them, so you don't have to step in. Join in as much or as little as feels true to you. Grief that's allowed out loud is a gift, and you may find it frees a little of your own.

If you can't stay for all of it, sit near the back and slip out between parts of the service, never during a prayer or while someone is speaking.

If the pastor gives an invitation to faith, you're free to sit quietly. Many Baptist pastors see the funeral sermon as a time to share the gospel with everyone present. One Baptist pastor's advice to other pastors: "Just preach the gospel for the people who are there." No one will single you out.

If Communion is offered, Baptist churches serve it to baptized believers. You can simply let it pass.

Keep your phone away. Don't take photos or video unless the family has said it's okay. Many churches livestream the service, and the family can share that link.

The Burial and the Repast

After the service, there's usually a procession to the cemetery for a short graveside service of Scripture, prayer and committal. If they were cremated, the service may be held with the urn instead; Baptist churches don't forbid cremation.

If you'll drive in the procession, turn your headlights on, stay close to the car ahead, and follow the funeral home's directions. They may hand out small flags for your car. Procession laws differ from state to state, so don't assume other drivers will stop for you.

Then comes the repast: a meal, often in the church fellowship hall, sometimes prepared by the church's deaconesses or a caterer. It's warm, full of stories, and usually alcohol-free.

Not every repast is open to everyone. Some are set for family and close friends, with room for a set number of people. If you're not sure, ask quietly. No one will mind you asking.

What to Wear and What to Bring

Dress as you would for church, and many guests wear their very best. Black is never wrong, but some families choose white or bright colors to make it a celebration, and some ask everyone to wear a memorial T-shirt with their loved one's photo. The obituary or funeral notice will say.

Flowers can be sent to the church or the family's home, unless the obituary asks for donations instead.

Food for the family's home in the days after is always a kindness.

A card with a memory in it may be one of the things they read again and again.

When you speak to the family, simple is best: "I'm so sorry." "I'm praying for you." "She's home now," if you share their faith. Or tell them one thing you loved about their person. Our guide on what to say to someone who is grieving has more.

Making Room for Every Guest

Not Baptist, or not religious? You're welcome. Coming to honor someone you cared about is reason enough to be there.

Is this your first homegoing? You're a guest in a tradition with deep roots, carried through slavery and segregation by people who refused to let their dead go unhonored. Come ready to receive it. If something is new to you, the family's way is the right way.

Is it your own family, but not your church? Maybe it's your grandmother's homegoing at a church you've never attended. You belong in that front row as much as anyone. Ask a cousin or an usher where the family gathers before the processional, and let the church family carry some of the weight. That's what they're there for.

Need an aisle seat, a place for a wheelchair, or a spot near the door? Tell an usher when you arrive. If you're Deaf or hard of hearing, ask the family or church office ahead of time whether an interpreter or a livestream with captions is possible.

Can't be there in person? Ask the family whether there's a livestream, then send a card or a message. It counts.

Bringing children? Many families welcome them. Our gentle guide, Should Children Attend a Funeral?, can help you decide and prepare them.

If your place in their life isn't printed in the program (an ex, a stepchild, a partner, a longtime friend), you still belong in that room. Your grief is real. When Your Grief Isn't Recognized was written for you.

If You're Helping the Family

If you're the one making calls for a church family, these questions can save hours:

• Ask the church what's included for members. Some churches provide the organist, print the first programs, or prepare a repast for a set number of guests at no cost. Non-members may pay fees.
• Ask for deadlines. Churches often need the names of speakers, music and slideshow photos two or three days ahead, and resolutions by the morning of the service.
• Name one family spokesperson. Some churches ask for one person to make all the arrangements, so instructions don't conflict.
• Use our free Who's Doing What helper sheet to hand out jobs, from the guest book to the repast table.

More Help

• What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving (and What to Avoid)
• Funeral Program Wording Examples
• Bible Verses and Poems for a Funeral Program
• Memorial Poems for a Church Member
• Honoring Faith and Culture at the End of Life
• All our free printables

Attending a different service? See our gentle guides to Catholic funerals, Jehovah's Witness memorial services and military funerals.

Please note: This is general information, not religious advice. Every Baptist church sets its own customs, so the family, the church office and the funeral home are your best guides for any one service. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed