When Your Adult Child Dies: A Grief Guide for Parents

If your son or daughter has died, it doesn't matter whether they were 22 or 62. They were your child. This guide is for parents who have lost a grown child, and for anyone who loves and supports them.

This guide is part of our series Grieving as an Adult: A Gentle Guide for Every Kind of Loss.

They Were Still Your Child

People sometimes assume that losing a grown child hurts less than losing a young one. After all, they had "a full life," or a home and family of their own. Bereaved parents know better. Parent support groups hear the same thing again and again: your child is your child no matter how old they are.

With a grown child, you often lose more than one relationship at once. You lose the baby you rocked, the teenager you worried about, and the adult you had become friends with. Many parents say that losing an adult child also meant losing a best friend, a helper, or the person they expected to lean on as they got older.

And underneath it all is the feeling that this is the wrong order. Parents are supposed to go first. When that order breaks, it can shake your sense of how the world works.

Why This Grief Can Feel So Lonely

Grief researchers use the term disenfranchised grief for grief that the people around you don't fully see or make room for. Parents of adult children often feel it, even though their loss is enormous. A few reasons why:

• Sympathy goes elsewhere. Cards, casseroles and attention often go to your child's spouse or partner and their children. Older parents in particular tend to receive less sympathy than younger bereaved parents.
• You may not be the one making decisions. If your child was married, their spouse is usually the legal next of kin. That can mean you have little or no say in the funeral, the burial or ashes, or their belongings. This can hurt deeply, and it's okay to name that hurt.
• You may not have known their daily life. If your child lived far away or had their own busy world, you may meet friends and coworkers at the service who knew a side of them you didn't. That can be both a gift and an ache.
• People expect you to be the strong one. Especially if there are grandchildren, others may look to you to hold the family together, leaving little room for your own grief.

One study of parents whose young adult children died described two feelings many parents share: grieving without enough information about what to expect, and grieving alone because friends and family didn't seem to understand. If that's you, you're not imagining it, and you're not alone.

What Your Grief Might Look Like

There's no right way to grieve a child. Many parents describe some mix of:

• Deep longing to see them, hear their voice, or pick up the phone and call them.
• Guilt, even when the death was completely out of your hands. Parents carry a lifelong sense of responsibility for their children, and it doesn't switch off when a child turns 18.
• Anger at the illness, the accident, the doctors, God, your child, or yourself.
• Replaying and searching for answers, going over what happened again and again.
• Physical effects: exhaustion, trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, getting sick more often.
• Pulling back from people for a while, especially from friends whose children are alive and well.

Grief tends to come in waves rather than neat stages. Some days you'll function almost normally, and then a song, a birthday card aisle or a grandchild's smile will knock the wind out of you. That's normal.

Grief That Lasts, and a Life That Grows Around It

We want to be honest with you, because you deserve honesty.

A long-term study followed parents for many years and found that, on average about 18 years after a child's death, bereaved parents still reported more sadness and depressive symptoms, lower well-being and more health problems than parents who had not lost a child. Another study of parents around age 70 who had lost an adult child found they had higher rates of depression than other parents their age, and that their health declined faster in the years that followed.

That same research also found something hopeful: most parents gradually find a way to carry the loss and keep living a meaningful life. It doesn't mean the grief "ends." It means life slowly grows bigger around it. A small study of parents whose adult children died of cancer found that, alongside lasting grief, many parents also described real personal growth, such as deeper compassion, clearer priorities and closer relationships.

How your child died can shape your grief too. Research on parents whose grown children died suddenly, such as in car accidents, found intense grief and more health complaints two years later. Sudden losses often bring shock and unfinished goodbyes, while long illnesses bring exhaustion and memories of suffering. Neither is easier. They're just different kinds of hard.

Please Look After Your Own Health

Because the research shows grief can take a real toll on the body, especially for older parents, it's worth being gentle but intentional about your health:

• Keep your regular doctor visits, and tell your doctor your child has died.
• Take your medications as prescribed. Grief makes it easy to forget.
• Try to eat something nourishing, drink water, and get outside for a short walk when you can.
• Be careful with alcohol and sleep aids, which can make grief heavier over time.

Taking care of yourself isn't moving on or forgetting. Your child would want you here.

People Make a Real Difference

One of the clearest findings in the research is this: older parents who had more people and places to turn to for support were less withdrawn, had significantly less depression and had better health than parents with fewer sources of support. Interestingly, support didn't make the grief itself less intense. It helped parents carry it.

That support can look like a friend who calls every Sunday, a faith community, a neighbor who sits with you, or a group of other bereaved parents who truly understand. Parents in one study found comfort in sharing their experiences with others, keeping memories and a sense of their child's presence alive, adjusting routines that had become too painful, and keeping home a meaningful place.

If reaching out feels hard, start small. Accept one offer of help this week. Tell one person the truth when they ask how you are.

When You and Your Partner Grieve Differently

If you're grieving alongside your child's other parent, you may find you grieve in very different ways. One of you may want to talk about your child constantly while the other goes quiet or keeps busy. One may visit the grave often while the other can't. The long-term research found that losing a child can put real strain on a marriage.

Different doesn't mean wrong. It helps to say out loud, "I know we're grieving differently, and that's okay," and to find small ways to remember your child together, such as lighting a candle on their birthday or sharing a favorite story at dinner. If you're divorced from your child's other parent, old tensions can resurface. Try to give each other room to grieve, even if you can't grieve together.

Your Grandchildren

If your child had children, you are grieving your son or daughter while watching your grandchildren grieve their parent. Researchers note that when a parent dies, two generations of a family are hurting at once: the older parents and the young children left behind.

Families find their way through this very differently. Some grandparents step in and help raise the grandchildren. Some stay close and become a living link to the parent who died. And some, sadly, lose contact, sometimes by choice and sometimes because relationships with the surviving parent become strained.

A few things that often help:

• Be a keeper of stories. Young grandchildren may not remember their mom or dad well. You can tell them what their parent was like as a child, share photos, and help them know where they came from.
• Support the surviving parent where you can, even when it's hard. A good relationship with them is usually the path to staying close to the grandchildren.
• Expect some painful moments, like hearing a grandchild call a new stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" someday. Your feelings about that are understandable, and the love you give still matters.
• If contact becomes difficult, grandparent visitation laws vary a great deal from state to state. A family law attorney or your local legal aid office can explain your options. Often, patient and gentle outreach works better than conflict.

Your Child's Spouse or Partner

Your son- or daughter-in-law (or your child's partner) has lost their person too. Sometimes this loss brings you closer. Sometimes grief pulls families apart, especially when decisions have to be made quickly about the service, belongings or finances.

If there's tension, try to assume you both loved the same person and are both in pain. If you'd like to understand what they may be going through, our guide What No One Tells You About Being a Widow may help.

Your Other Children

If you have other children, they have lost a brother or sister, and adult siblings are often called the "forgotten mourners." They may be worrying about you while quietly carrying their own grief. Tell them you see their loss too. Our guide When Your Brother or Sister Dies is written for them and can be a gentle thing to share.

If This Was Your Only Child

Parents who lose their only child, or all of their children, face some especially painful losses. You may wonder, "Am I still a parent?" (You are.) You may grieve the grandchildren you'll never have. Being around other families, especially at holidays, can feel unbearable. And the future can suddenly feel frightening: who will check on you, help you, or be with you as you age?

These fears are real and deserve care. Some parents find it helps to connect with other parents who have lost an only child, to make practical plans for later life with trusted friends or professionals, and to find new ways to use the love and parenting that still live in them.

If Your Child's Life Was Complicated

Not every parent-child relationship was easy. Maybe your child struggled with addiction or mental illness. Maybe you were estranged, or you'd spent years worried sick. Grief after a troubled life is often tangled with relief, guilt, anger and "what ifs," all at the same time.

All of those feelings can exist together, and none of them cancels out your love. You can grieve the child they were, the adult they were trying to be, and the relationship you hoped you'd one day have.

Staying Connected to Your Child

Grief experts used to believe people needed to "let go." Today, research supports what bereaved parents have always known: staying connected to the person who died, sometimes called continuing bonds, is healthy and normal. You might:

• Say their name often, and invite others to as well.
• Keep a few meaningful belongings where you can see or hold them.
• Write letters to your child.
• Cook their favorite meal on their birthday.
• Carry on something they cared about, such as a cause, a garden or a tradition.
• Collect stories from their friends and coworkers into a memory book.

The Hard Days

Birthdays, the anniversary of their death, holidays, Mother's Day and Father's Day can all feel heavy. The days leading up to them are often harder than the day itself. It helps to make a simple plan ahead of time: who you'll be with, one small way you'll remember your child, and permission to leave early or skip things that feel like too much.

When Grief Needs More Help

Grief is not an illness, and deep sorrow after losing a child is not something to "fix." But sometimes grief gets stuck in a way that makes it very hard to live. Please reach out to your doctor, a grief counselor or a mental health professional if, many months after the loss, you:

• Feel just as intensely raw as you did at the very beginning, with no easing at all
• Can't take care of daily needs like eating, sleeping or basic hygiene
• Feel that life has no meaning, or that part of you died with your child
• Are relying more on alcohol, pills or other substances to get through
• Have thoughts of wanting to die or of harming yourself

If you are having thoughts of suicide or are in crisis, please call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) anytime, day or night. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Free Support for Bereaved Parents

• The Compassionate Friends: support for families after a child of any age dies, with local chapters, online groups and resources, including for parents of adult children.
• Bereaved Parents of the USA: a national self-help group for parents, grandparents and siblings, with local chapters.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24 hours a day.
• Your local hospice: many hospices offer free grief support groups to anyone in the community, even if your child wasn't in their care.

Sources

• Rogers, C. H., Floyd, F. J., Seltzer, M. M., Greenberg, J., & Hong, J. (2008). Long-term effects of the death of a child on parents' adjustment in midlife. Journal of Family Psychology.
• de Vries, B., Davis, C. G., Wortman, C. B., & Lehman, D. R. (1997). Long-term psychological and somatic consequences of later life parental bereavement. OMEGA, 35(1), 97–117.
• Shanfield, S. B., Benjamin, G. A., & Swain, B. J. (1984). Parents' reactions to the death of an adult child from cancer. American Journal of Psychiatry, 141(9).
• Shanfield, S. B., & Swain, B. J. (1984). Death of adult children in traffic accidents. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease.
• Law, K., & Kirk, S. Experiences and support needs of bereaved parents after the death of a child during early adulthood from cancer.
• Engler, M. (1993). Filially Bereaved Grandparents (doctoral dissertation). Marquette University.
• Older adult bereavement: a comparison of bereaved parents and spouses (1993). Texas Tech University.
• The Compassionate Friends (UK). Grieving for our adult child; For parents bereaved of an only child or all their children.
• Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow.

You can download Forever Their Parent: A Grief Companion for Parents Who Have Lost an Adult Child free anytime. Please share it with another parent who needs it.