If you only have a moment
Start by asking for a victim advocate, who can walk you through each step, keep you posted on court dates and help with the forms for money help. Most states promise families a chance to stay informed, attend hearings and speak, and before sentencing you can usually share, in writing or out loud, what this loss has done to your family. A case can take years, so lean on families who have walked through a case like yours, and know that your anger, your faith and whether you ever forgive are yours to work out.
First the knock at the door or the phone call, then the detectives. Now there's a case number next to your person's name. You're trying to grieve while learning words like arraignment and continuance, and every new court date opens the wound again.
I know what it's like to lose someone suddenly. I haven't lived through a loss that turned into a criminal case, and I won't pretend I have. But I know how much it helps when someone explains what's coming instead of leaving you to figure it out alone.
So let's walk through it together: who can help you, what your rights usually are, what a day in court can be like, and how to look after yourself through a process that may take years. You don't have to do any of it alone.
Jump to: Grieving and waiting · Your victim advocate · Your rights · Plea agreements · A day in court · Your statement to the judge · When no one is arrested · If you know the person charged · Money help · If reporters call · Children and the case · Anger, faith and forgiveness · Taking care of you
Grieving and Waiting at the Same Time
Victim services have a name for you: co-victims, the family, friends and loved ones of someone who was killed. It's a reminder that the crime happened to you too.
The case runs on the court's calendar, not yours. A trial can come several years after the death. An arrest, a hearing or a verdict is progress in the case. It isn't a deadline for your grief, and it's okay if one moves while the other doesn't.
Ask for a Victim Advocate First
Find your advocate. Victim advocates work in many police departments, prosecutors' offices, state attorney general's offices and U.S. Attorney's Offices. If no one has reached out to you, call the prosecutor's office and ask for the victim-witness advocate on your case.
Let them carry some of this. Advocates can explain each step, tell you about upcoming dates, help you write a statement for the judge, and help you apply for financial help.
If you were their partner, stepparent or chosen family, ask the advocate how your state defines "family" for victims' rights, so you aren't left out.
Your Rights Usually Include Being Informed, Present and Heard
Victims' rights vary by state, but most states include the right to be told about the case, to be present in court, and to be heard. In federal cases, the Crime Victims' Rights Act gives these rights to family members when the victim has died. They include timely notice of court dates, being heard at plea and sentencing hearings, and conferring with the prosecutor.
Sign up for notifications. VINELink is a free, confidential service that can alert you by phone, email or text when the accused person's custody status changes. You can also register by phone at 1-866-277-7477. It's a helpful tool, but don't rely on it alone for your safety.
Parole notices are often a separate sign-up with your state's department of corrections. Ask your advocate to help you register, even if parole feels a long way off.
If There's a Plea Agreement
Many cases end with a plea instead of a trial, even murder cases. In one large federal study of urban courts, about three out of four murder convictions came from a guilty plea.
Ask the prosecutor to talk with you before any plea deal is made, and tell them what matters to you. Being heard doesn't always mean the family gets the final say, and that can hurt.
Families don't always agree, either. One relative may feel relief at avoiding a trial while another feels betrayed. Both are honest reactions to the same loss.
What a Day in Court Can Be Like
Expect delays. Hearings are often postponed, sometimes on the morning you arrive. That doesn't mean the case is falling apart.
Ask what will be shown. There may be photos or testimony that is very hard to see, and the defense may say painful things about your loved one. Ask your advocate to warn you ahead of time, so you can decide whether to be in the room.
If you might be a witness, you may be asked to wait outside the courtroom until you testify. Ask about this early so it doesn't catch you off guard.
Ask before wearing a button, photo or shirt with their picture. Judges decide what's allowed in their courtroom.
Ask for an interpreter if you need one. Most courts provide spoken-language interpreters. Courts must also provide ASL interpreters and other communication help for people who are Deaf or hard of hearing, including family members, at no charge.
Ask about work. Some states, like California, require employers to let victims' family members take time off for court. Protections depend on your state. Advocates can often contact your employer to explain your role in the case.
You don't have to attend every hearing. Being present is your right, not a duty. You can go to some, skip others, or ask someone you trust to go and tell you what happened.
Take our free checklist with you. Going to Court: A Checklist for Families (PDF) has room for your case contacts, the questions to ask your advocate, and what to know on the day. Fillable version · En español · Español rellenable
Your Statement to the Judge
Before sentencing, you can usually give a victim impact statement: telling the judge how the loss has affected your family emotionally, physically and financially. It can be written, spoken aloud in court, or both. Your advocate can help you write it. A written statement is usually shared with the defendant too.
Many families also give statements years later at parole hearings, in person, in writing or by recording.
When No One Has Been Arrested
Living without answers is its own kind of grief. You can choose one family member as the main contact with the detective, and ask how often you'll hear from them. Investigators are encouraged to check in regularly even when there's no news, at least every six months.
You may still qualify for victim compensation even if no one has been arrested. Most programs ask that the crime was reported and that you cooperate with police.
When the Person Charged Is Someone You Know
When the accused is a family member, partner or close friend, the choices get even harder. Relatives may take different sides, and holidays and family ties can feel impossible. You're allowed to grieve the person you lost, feel torn about the person charged, and still want the truth. A counselor who understands homicide loss can help you sort through it.
Money Help: Compensation, Restitution and Civil Cases
Victim compensation. Every state has a crime victim compensation program. Most help with funeral and burial costs, counseling and lost wages. Apply in the state where the crime happened. These programs usually pay after insurance and other sources, and deadlines vary, so ask soon. Find your state's program here.
Restitution is money a judge orders the offender to pay as part of the criminal case. It can be hard to collect, so don't count on it.
A civil case is separate. Families can sometimes sue for damages, even if there's no conviction, because civil courts use a lower standard of proof. Learn more from the National Center for Victims of Crime, and talk with a lawyer about deadlines in your state.
If Reporters Call
You never have to give an interview. You can say no, change your mind after saying yes, set your own conditions, or ask one person (a relative, friend, advocate or attorney) to speak for the family.
Children and the Case
Children notice more than we think. Give them honest information that fits their age about what's happening and how the trial turns out. Limit how much news coverage they see, but don't hide the facts. A child who saw or heard something may be treated as a witness and asked not to talk about it, so they'll need extra support. Our guide When a Parent Dies by Homicide or Violence has more.
Anger, Faith and Forgiveness
Rage, even thoughts of revenge, are common after someone you love is killed. Having those feelings doesn't make you a bad person. For some families faith is a lifeline, and for others it's shaken, at least for a while. Whether you forgive is yours to decide, in your own time, or not at all.
Taking Care of You
People who have lived through the same kind of loss understand courtrooms and case numbers in a way others can't. These are free:
- VictimConnect Resource Center: call or text 1-855-484-2846, or chat online, 24/7.
- Parents of Murdered Children: local chapters, support and court accompaniment, for any family who has lost someone to homicide. Call 1-888-818-7662.
- MADD Victim Services: after a drunk or drugged driving crash, advocates can help with your statement and go to court with you. Call 1-877-623-3435, 24/7.
If the trauma stays heavy, ask a therapist about Restorative Retelling, a group approach made for people grieving a violent death. Small early studies suggest it can ease distress.
For the long months ahead, our guide After a Sudden or Violent Loss comes with our free companion book, The Day Everything Changed. Its section "When Someone Is Responsible" walks through advocates, court and your impact statement, with pages to write in.
More Help
- After a Sudden or Violent Loss (free companion book)
- Planning a Funeral After Traumatic Loss
- After the Funeral: Living With Traumatic Loss
- When a Parent Dies by Homicide or Violence: Helping Your Child
- Is This Still Grief? A Gentle Guide for Families
- When Someone Dies Unexpectedly: What to Do in the First 72 Hours
Please note: This is general information, not legal advice. Victims' rights, court rules and compensation programs vary by state and by case, so your victim advocate, the prosecutor's office or an attorney are your best guides. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
Download the After a Violent Loss planner free (PDF) · See all our free printables
These resources are free, always. If this helped your family and you'd like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift.
With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed