When Someone Dies Unexpectedly: What to Do in the First 72 Hours

When a death comes with no warning, there is no list in your hand and no time to make one. The phone rings, or you walk into a room, and suddenly everyone is looking at you to decide things.

I've been there. I know how loud everything gets. So here is the list I wish someone had handed me: what truly has to happen in the first three days, and what can wait. You don't have to do all of it. You don't have to do any of it alone.

The First Few Hours

If they died at home under hospice care, don't call 911. Call the hospice's 24-hour number. A hospice team member will come, confirm the death and help with the next steps. It's okay to take time to sit with them first.

If the death at home was unexpected, call 911. When a death wasn't expected, a medical examiner or coroner may need to look into it, and each state sets its own rules for which deaths they investigate. Please don't move your loved one until responders tell you it's okay.

If police or a coroner come, it can feel frightening. It's routine when a death is unexpected. It is not an accusation, and it isn't something you did wrong. If the death was sudden or violent, it may be a while before you can make arrangements. That waiting is hard, and it isn't your fault.

If they died in a hospital or care home, the staff will guide you. Before you leave, tell them which funeral home you've chosen, or that you haven't chosen one yet, and ask them to write it in the chart.

That last step matters more than it sounds. When my husband died, the hospital told me to go home and call mortuaries in the morning. When I called the next morning, he had already been picked up by a mortuary I hadn't chosen, one far beyond what I could afford, and they demanded $1,000 for the pickup. I left in tears. The mortuary I had chosen handled it, and he was in her care within a few hours. I'm telling you so you know: the choice is yours, and no one gets to hold your person for money.

A few more things that can't wait:

• If they wanted to be an organ or tissue donor, tell the hospital or hospice staff right away.
• If their faith or culture has its own timing or rituals, tell the hospital and the funeral home as soon as you can.
• Make sure no one is left alone: children, pets, an elderly parent, anyone they took care of. Decide who has them tonight.
• Call one or two people who can be with you and help make calls. You don't have to tell everyone tonight.

Day One: Choosing a Funeral Home

You don't have to decide in the first hour. If a coroner or medical examiner is involved, your loved one may stay in their care for a while, sometimes days. Ask their office how long it may take and what they need from you.

Bring a calm friend if you can, or ask them to make the calls for you. Under the Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule, you have these rights in every state:

• They must give you prices over the phone if you ask.
• They must give you a written, itemized price list to keep.
• You don't have to buy a package. You can choose only what you want.
• You can bring a casket or urn you bought somewhere else. They can't refuse it or charge you a fee for using it.
• No state law requires embalming for every death.
• No state or local law requires a casket for cremation.
• Before you pay, they must give you a written list of everything you chose.

These rights matter most when money is tight. You can call several funeral homes, compare prices and pick only what you need.

If a funeral home you didn't choose already has them

Don't pay on the spot, and don't sign anything there. Call the funeral home you chose; they can arrange to bring your loved one into their care. Under the Funeral Rule, you can only be charged for what you selected or what the law requires. You can file a complaint with your state's funeral board (the Funeral Consumers Alliance keeps a list of state boards), and with the FTC.

If they were a veteran

You or the funeral director can call the VA's National Cemetery Scheduling Office at 800-535-1117 (TTY: 711), Monday to Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. Eastern. Have their DD-214 or other discharge papers ready. If you can't find them, tell the person on the phone and they'll help, but checking without the papers can take several days. My husband, a Navy veteran, rests at Riverside National Cemetery.

Also on day one, if you can: make sure pets are fed, the house is locked, and any medications are put away safely.

Day Two: The Arrangement Meeting

The funeral home will ask for details for the death certificate. Families are often surprised by how many they don't know offhand: the full legal name, date and place of birth, both parents' full names (including the mother's maiden name), the highest grade or degree completed, and their usual work.

You'll usually be asked to bring:

• Clothing, including undergarments, and any glasses or jewelry you want kept with them
• A recent photo, so they can style hair and makeup the way your person wore it
• Military discharge papers (DD-214), if they served
• Any life insurance policies or prepaid funeral plan

Death certificates: the funeral home usually orders them. Banks, insurers and government offices will each want a certified copy. The Identity Theft Resource Center suggests 12 to 15, depending on how many accounts there are.

Our free Funeral Planning Checklist fits on two pages and is easy to bring along.

Day Three: The Service and the Program

Many services happen within a week or two. Once you have a date, the pieces start to fall into place: who will lead the service, the music, the readings, the people who will speak, and the pallbearers.

Write a short obituary, and keep it safe. The FBI suggests giving their age but leaving out the birth date, middle name, home address, birthplace and mother's maiden name. Scammers use those details to steal a dead person's identity. Police have also warned that some burglars read obituaries and break in during the service, so have a friend or neighbor stay at the house while you're there.

The funeral program usually needs to be printed a day or two before the service, so it helps to start early. You'll need:

• One clear photo for the cover, and a few more for inside
• The obituary, or just the key facts (our fill-in-the-blank obituary templates can help)
• The order of service
• A short thank-you to the people who helped

You can make it yourself with one of our Canva funeral program templates, or let us build it for you with Done For You. If your service is coming up fast, email us at hello@notedandcharmed.com and we'll tell you honestly how quickly we can help.

What Can Wait

So much feels urgent right now, and most of it isn't. These can wait until after the funeral:

• Closing bank accounts and canceling bills (but do keep important mail together)
• The will, the estate, and legal questions
• Sorting their clothes and belongings, giving things away, or selling anything
• Calling every company
• Thank-you notes

One thing not to cancel yet: their phone and email. Keep the phone charged and the accounts open. Many accounts send sign-in codes to a phone or email, and you may need them later.

What Not to Do

• Don't pay their debts with your own money, and don't agree to anything a debt collector asks over the phone. Family members generally don't have to pay a loved one's debts. The exceptions: you co-signed, you held the account jointly, or state law says you have to (in community property states, a surviving spouse may have to use shared property for some debts). The CFPB explains more.
• Don't let anyone rush you into paying or signing. Anyone who pressures you to pay or give personal information is a scammer.
• If "the funeral home" calls asking for money, hang up. Call the funeral home back at the number you already have. Criminals find families through obituaries and pretend to be funeral home or cemetery staff.
• Never pay by wire transfer, gift card or cryptocurrency.
• Wait on big decisions, like selling the house or moving. Give yourself time.

After the First Three Days

When you're ready, these come next. None of them has to happen this week.

• Social Security: the funeral home usually reports the death. If it doesn't, call 800-772-1213 (TTY 800-325-0778), Monday to Friday, 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. your local time. A payment that arrives after the death usually has to go back.
• Protect their identity: tell one of the three credit bureaus about the death. That bureau passes the notice to the other two, so no one can open new credit in their name.
• Their employer, and any past employers: ask about life insurance through work, the final paycheck, health coverage and retirement plans. When I let my husband's work know he had died, they told me about a life insurance policy through his benefits that I never knew existed. Ask every employer, current and past.
• Keep one notebook for every call: the date, who you talked to and what they said.

Taking Care of You

Eat something, even if it's small. Drink water. Let people bring food. Say yes to help. Shock can make the first days feel unreal, or make you feel nothing at all. Both are normal.

When you're ready, our guide After a Sudden or Violent Loss is here, with a free companion book for the weeks and months ahead. There are also free workbooks for children and teens after a loss.

More Help

• The First 72 Hours fridge card (free printable)
• Free Funeral Planning Checklist (Printable)
• Fill-in-the-Blank Obituary Templates
• Done For You Funeral Programs
• After a Sudden or Violent Loss
• All our free printables

Please note: This is general information, not legal or medical advice. Rules vary by state and county, so your funeral home and local coroner or medical examiner's office are your best guides. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911. Veterans: dial 988, then press 1. If you're Deaf, hard of hearing or have a speech disability, dial 711 from any phone to reach a free relay service.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed