Thanksgiving After a Loss: The Empty Chair at the Table

For anyone sitting down to Thanksgiving with someone missing, whether it's the first year without them or one of many.

It usually starts with a group text. Who's hosting, who's bringing the rolls, what time should everybody come. The turkeys show up in the grocery ads, and right in the thick of all that everyday planning you realize there's a question nobody wants to ask out loud: what do we do about their chair?

My husband died in November, so Thanksgiving came at me fast that year, long before I had any idea what our table would look like without him. I know how strange it feels to be asked to give thanks when the thing you want most is the one you can't have.

So let's walk through this one holiday, gently and in order. Who hosts when the host is gone, what to do with their seat and their recipe, how to handle grace and the "what are you thankful for" moment, how to get through the day and the tension around the table, children, a loved one in hospice this year, and the long weekend after. Use what fits your family. Leave the rest on the counter.

Jump to: Why it hurts · When the host is gone · Their place · Their recipe · Grace and thanks · The day itself · When it gets tense · Children · If someone is dying · A death near Thanksgiving · Every family's table · The weekend after

Why This Holiday Hurts in Its Own Way

Thanksgiving is built around one table and the same faces at it. There are no gifts to hide behind and no decorations to keep your hands busy. There's the meal, the people, and the place where your person used to sit.

And the whole day is about gratitude, which can feel like a test you're failing. Mayo Clinic says grief can return with holidays and birthdays, sometimes years after a death, and that it helps to see those days coming and plan for them. That's what this page is for. You aren't ungrateful. You're grieving at a holiday that happens to have "thanks" in its name.

When They Were the One Who Hosted

In many families, Thanksgiving belongs to one person. It's Mom's house, Grandpa's turkey, Aunt Rosa's table with the extra leaves put in. When that person dies, the holiday can lose its address along with them.

Decide for this year only. Nobody has to take over the holiday forever. Someone can host just this once, or the family can try a restaurant, a potluck, or a smaller meal at two houses. Next year can be decided next year.

Hand out the jobs that were theirs. Think about what they quietly handled: carving the turkey, saying grace, the pies, the phone call to the cousins out of state, the folding chairs from the garage. Ask someone to take each one on purpose, so no one is left staring at an empty job on the day. There's a place to write these down in the printable further down.

Let people help in ways you can name. The Dougy Center, an Oregon nonprofit that walks with grieving kids and their families, has a holiday tip sheet that suggests letting people help in concrete ways like cleaning, cooking, baking, shopping, childcare and errands. "Could you bring the sweet potatoes and stay to do dishes?" is a kindness to the friend who keeps asking what they can do.

Their Place at the Table

There's no right answer about the chair, only the one your family can live with this year. Talk about it before the day, so nobody is surprised when they walk in.

Set their place. That same tip sheet lists a memorial spot at the holiday table as one way to honor the person who died. A plate, their photo, a candle, or a single flower on their napkin says, "We know who's missing."

Change the table instead. Some families find an empty seat too much to look at all through dinner. Move the table, add a leaf, switch rooms, or eat buffet-style on the couches. A new shape can be a kindness.

Let someone sit there. A grandchild, a new friend, or the neighbor who has nowhere else to go. Some people feel their loved one would have liked the seat put to good use.

Their Recipe

Food carries memory. The Dougy Center's tips call it a great starting point for sharing stories about the person, and suggest making one of their favorite meals. For a lot of families, that's the dressing, the cranberry salad, the tamales or the pecan pie that only one person ever got right.

Look for the card. Check their recipe box, the inside covers of their cookbooks, an old email, or ask the relative who stood next to them in the kitchen every year. If nobody wrote it down, cook it together from memory and argue happily about how much butter.

It may not taste the same. That's all right. Making it is the remembering. If you find a card in their handwriting, take a photo of it before it gets splattered, and send a copy to everyone who loved them.

Or skip it this year. If seeing their dish on the table would undo you, leave it off and bring it back when you're ready. That's a choice too.

Grace, the Toast and "What Are You Thankful For?"

In a lot of homes, this is the toughest minute of the whole day. Everyone holds hands or raises a glass, and a voice that always led it is missing. Then someone starts the round of "what are you thankful for," and you're not sure you can speak.

Choose who will speak ahead of time, and tell them short is fine. You can also ask everyone to share one memory of your person instead, or a thing they're grateful that person gave them. That turns the question into something a grieving heart can answer.

It's all right to pass. Gratitude and grief can sit in the same chest. You might be thankful for the people at the table and still not want to say anything at all. "I'm just glad to be here with you" is plenty.

If it helps, here are a few words your family is welcome to use or change:

For a table that prays: "For the food in front of us and the hands that made it, and for the one whose hands we miss today, we give thanks. Keep them close to you, and keep us close to each other. Amen."

For a table that toasts: "To the one who should be sitting here. We were lucky to have you, and we're still learning how to have this day without you."

For the children to say: "Thank you for our food, and thank you for [name]. We miss you, and we're glad we had you."

Getting Through the Day Itself

You don't have to stay for all of it. A plan made on a calm day can carry you through a hard one.

Know your way in and your way out. Come late, or leave right after pie. Drive yourself if you can, so you don't have to wait on anyone. Tell the host now, and then you're free.

Find your quiet spot. The back porch, a bedroom, a walk around the block, the car. Tell one person where you'll be, and step away when you need to. Coming back is optional.

Let the background help. The parade, the football game and the kitchen noise can be gentle company. If your person always yelled at the TV during the game, it's all right to laugh about that, and all right if it makes you cry.

Go easy on the wine. A long afternoon of drinking and a heavy heart don't mix well. Keep something without alcohol in your glass for the toast. If you're in recovery, call your sponsor ahead of time. SAMHSA's National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, costs nothing, keeps your call private, and answers every day of the year in English or Spanish.

Eat something small and rest. Grief is tiring. Families are wise to plan for rest, downtime, and food and water for everyone, children included, as those holiday tips remind us. A nap at three o'clock is not giving up.

When the Table Gets Tense

Grief doesn't always make families softer. Sometimes it makes them sharp. People are tired, someone did most of the caregiving and feels it, and somebody else wants to talk about the house or the jewelry before the turkey is carved.

Agree on "not today" topics. Before the day, ask the family to set aside the will, the house, their belongings and anything about how the last months were handled. Those are real conversations, and they deserve a calm day with time to listen. Thanksgiving dinner isn't that day.

Have one sentence ready. When an aunt asks how you're "really doing," or a cousin offers advice you didn't ask for, try "Thanks for asking. I'd rather just be here with everyone today." It's kind, it's true, and it closes the door gently.

If the relationship was complicated, or the family has been split for a long time, this holiday can stir up things that never got settled. You're allowed to keep your visit short, or spend it somewhere else. Grief After a Complicated or Estranged Relationship was written for this.

Children at the Table

Kids feel the empty chair too, even if they don't say so. Those tips also suggest talking with children about the parts of the holiday that mean the most to them, and making those a priority.

Give them a job connected to the person. Stirring Grandma's gravy, putting out the olives the way Dad always did, making a place card that says their name, or drawing a picture to sit by their plate.

Tell them what will be different. Who's hosting, where everyone will sit, and whether the person's place will be set. The tip sheet points out that a plan can ease a lot of worry, and children feel that most of all.

Let them play. A child who runs off to toss a football in the yard still loves the person who's missing. Let them go, and let them come back to the table when they're ready. For more, see Helping a Grieving Child in the Weeks and Months After and Supporting a Grieving Teen.

If Someone You Love Is Dying This Thanksgiving

Some families aren't missing anyone at the table yet. They're spending this Thanksgiving knowing it may be the last one together, or taking turns at a hospice bedside while the turkey roasts at home.

Bring the holiday to them. A small plate of their favorite foods, even a taste on a spoon, the smell of the pie, the game on low in the room, or the whole family on a video call. Ask the hospice nurse what's safe for them to eat and drink right now.

The hospice is still there on the holiday. Under federal rules, a Medicare hospice has to have nursing, doctor services and medicines available around the clock, every day of the week. Keep the after-hours number on the refrigerator, and call it on Thursday if anything changes.

If you're the caregiver and you're worn down, ask the hospice team about respite care. Medicare will pay for a short stay in a facility the hospice arranges so you can rest, though you may owe a small copay. More is in Caring for Someone in Hospice and Time Together: Bedside Activities for Hospice Families.

If They Died Near Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving doesn't keep a fixed date. By law it's the fourth Thursday in November, so it falls anywhere from November 22 to November 28. If your person died in late November, the anniversary and the holiday will drift around each other every year. Some years they'll fall in the same week. Some years, on the very same day.

Your family gets to choose how to hold that. Some people mark the date on the calendar and keep Thanksgiving for gathering. Others fold a quiet moment for them into the meal every year, whatever the date. Both are love, and you can change your mind as the years go by.

Every Family's Table

Native families. For many Native families, Thanksgiving carries its own history. Writing for the Smithsonian's National Museum of the American Indian, educator Renée Gokey describes vibrant traditions of giving thanks that go on all year long. And in Plymouth, Massachusetts, United American Indians of New England has gathered at noon every Thanksgiving since 1970 for a National Day of Mourning, a day of remembrance. However your family spends the day, your own loss belongs in it, and nobody else's version of Thanksgiving has to be yours.

Military families. If your person served, or died while serving, TAPS offers care to anyone grieving a military loved one, and its helpline at 800-959-8277 answers around the clock. Veterans at your table who are struggling can reach the Veterans Crisis Line by dialing 988 and pressing 1, or by texting 838255.

When the one left behind has dementia. If Grandma is living with dementia and Grandpa is the one who died, the day can be confusing and painful for her in ways that are hard to watch. The Alzheimer's Association suggests a smaller, more casual gathering, keeping her usual routine, celebrating earlier in the day, and keeping to one conversation at a time. Let relatives know ahead what to expect. If she asks for him over and over, call the Association's free helpline, open day and night at 800-272-3900, and talk through gentle ways to answer.

When it was a child. When the empty chair belonged to a son, daughter, grandchild, brother or sister, the holiday can feel unbearable. The Compassionate Friends offers support to families whose child has died, in local chapters and online.

Chosen family and Friendsgiving. For many LGBTQ+ people, and for many people far from home, Thanksgiving was always the friends' table. If the person you lost was your chosen family, your grief counts just as much as anyone's. When Your Grief Isn't Recognized may help.

Working the holiday. Nurses, first responders, retail and restaurant workers, and anyone on shift Thursday may grieve on the clock. Plan a few quiet minutes before or after your shift, eat their dish on Friday, and let a coworker know it's a hard day.

Far away, or on the road. If you can't be with family, set a time to call or video chat and light a candle together on both ends. If you're traveling, a stop at their resting place on the way can be its own Thanksgiving.

When money is tight. Funeral bills and lost income can pile up fast. A potluck is a perfectly good Thanksgiving. If you need food, Feeding America's food bank finder lists food banks by ZIP code, and dialing 211 can point you to community meals near you.

Spending it alone. If your person was the one you spent Thanksgiving with, or family is far away, Grieving Alone: When There's No One at Home has ideas for the day.

Faith, or none. A pastor, priest, rabbi, imam or elder can help you think about the first holiday in your tradition. And if you don't pray, a toast, a walk or a story told at the table holds as much love as any prayer.

Deaf, hard of hearing, or Spanish-speaking. You can text or chat with the 988 Lifeline instead of calling, and Deaf callers can reach it in ASL by videophone. For Spanish, dial 988 and then press 2.

The Long Weekend After

For a lot of people, Friday is harder than Thursday. The guests leave, the leftovers sit in the fridge, and suddenly every store and screen is playing Christmas music and selling the season. It can feel like the world skipped right past your grief.

Plan one small thing for Friday: a walk, a movie, lunch with one person, or a slow morning with their recipe and the leftovers. If the season ahead feels heavy, The First Holidays After a Loss and Grief and New Year's Eve can walk with you through December.

What Can Wait

Hosting can wait. Their recipe can wait. Their belongings, the house and every hard family conversation can wait for a quieter day. You don't need to feel thankful on cue, and you don't need to start the Christmas shopping on Friday. If you get through Thursday having eaten a little and been with someone who loves you, that's a good Thanksgiving.

Room at the Table

The table will look different this year. That's what love looks like after a loss. Set their place or don't, say grace or skip it, stay till pie or slip out early. Whatever you choose, they're still part of your family, and you're allowed to carry them right into the middle of the meal.

More Help

• The First Holidays After a Loss: A Gentle Guide for Grieving Families
• Grieving Alone: When There's No One at Home
• Grief and New Year's Eve: Getting Through Midnight Without Them
• Grief After a Complicated or Estranged Relationship
• Caring for Someone in Hospice: Support and Self-Care for Every Family Caregiver
• Is This Still Grief? A Gentle Guide for Families

Please note: everything here is general information, not medical, mental health or legal advice. Phone numbers, programs and hospice rules can change, and services differ from place to place. For what fits your family, ask your doctor, your hospice team or a grief counselor.

If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed