Grieving Alone: When There's No One at Home

For anyone grieving with no one else in the house: widowed, single, divorced, far from family, estranged, or the last one left of an old circle of friends.

Nobody hears the door when you come home now. The cards have slowed down, the people who gathered around you at first have returned to their own routines, and the house is so quiet you can hear the refrigerator hum. Whether the one you lost shared your home, lived three states away, or was the last friend who remembered you at twenty, there's no one at the table to say "I miss them" to.

I want to be straight with you. My own grief arrived in a full, noisy house, so your kind of quiet isn't one I've lived. I have learned how quickly the rest of the world goes back to normal, and how long an evening can stretch when the person you'd have called is the one who's gone.

So this page is about company, the practical kind. It covers the first weeks on your own, getting through Thanksgiving, where to find people in person and by phone, a simple plan so someone hears your voice every week, staying safe when you live alone, and the long evenings and weekends. Start wherever your heart is today. Nothing here is going anywhere.

Jump to: The first weeks · Evenings and weekends · Thanksgiving · Finding people · Phone and online · A weekly-call plan · Staying safe · Every kind of alone

The First Weeks on Your Own

The first weeks often feel the strangest. There may have been a rush of visitors, casseroles and ringing phones, and then, almost overnight, nothing. That drop-off isn't a sign that nobody cares. Most people simply don't know that the quiet weeks are the hard ones.

Tell one person your routine. Pick a friend, a neighbor or a relative and let them know roughly when you're up, when you shop, and when they should worry if they haven't heard from you. It's a small thing that can mean a lot when you live alone.

Book a visit with your own doctor. Grief wears on your health. Harvard researchers who followed 12,316 married Americans past age 50 found a 66% jump in the risk of dying during the three months right after a husband or wife died. Tell your doctor about the death, and that you're living alone now. Bring up sleep, appetite and drinking too; MedlinePlus lists heavy alcohol use among the problems to watch for when grief drags on.

Let one door open. MedlinePlus also notes that a support group, where people share what they're going through, can ease the stress of grieving. You don't have to talk the first time. Sitting in the room counts.

Evenings and Weekends

Many people get through their weekdays fine and then fall apart at six o'clock, or on a long Sunday afternoon. Those were often the hours we shared with someone: supper, a favorite show, the drive to church, the phone call that came every Saturday.

Grief expert Kenneth Doka, writing for the Hospice Foundation of America, suggests noticing exactly when loneliness hits hardest, so you can plan for it. He tells of a widow who made sure she always had something set for Sundays, and a widower whose grief group started meeting for pizza and sports on Saturday nights, the old date night.

Name your hard hours. Write down the two or three times each week that feel the emptiest. Then put one small thing in each: a standing phone call, an evening service, a library program, a walk past the lit-up windows downtown, a puzzle with the radio on.

Give yourself a reason to go out. Researchers at the National Institute on Aging point to community centers, senior centers and public libraries as good places to find people, and say volunteering can ease loneliness and give you a sense of purpose. A weekly shift somewhere is a built-in Saturday.

Thanksgiving Is Coming

Thanksgiving falls on Thursday, November 26 this year, and it can loom large when you'll be on your own. It helps to decide now, while there's still time to change your mind.

If someone invites you, think about saying yes, even for an hour. You can leave after the pie. If no one has asked, it's all right to do the asking: "I'm on my own this year. Could I join you?" Many people would be glad to set another place and just didn't think to offer.

If you'd rather not be at someone's table, you could serve a holiday meal somewhere, or call 211 and ask about community dinners near you. Some people choose a quiet day on purpose: their person's favorite dish, a long walk, a movie, an early night. That's a real choice, and a fine one.

Plan the long stretches. Line up one call for the afternoon and one for the evening before the day comes, so you know a friendly voice is on the way. There's more for the whole season in The First Holidays After a Loss.

Where to Find People

You don't need a crowd. Most people who grieve alone are helped by finding just a few people who understand, close enough to see now and then.

Call the nearest hospice. By federal rule, a hospice has to provide bereavement care to the families of its own patients, for as long as twelve months. Many go further and welcome anyone who's grieving, whether or not their person was ever a patient. One hospice puts it plainly: participants "do not need to have an association with hospice care." Ask what's offered, in person or online.

Try your faith community, or one nearby. In more than 14,000 congregations, trained members called Stephen Ministers meet one-on-one, usually about an hour a week, with someone going through a hard time. Many churches also host GriefShare, a Christian grief group that meets in person or online; most groups ask a small fee for the workbook, often about $25. A rabbi, imam, priest, pastor or temple leader can tell you what your own tradition offers.

Use the free finders. The Eldercare Locator connects older adults and caregivers with local services. Call 1-800-677-1116, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. Eastern time; Spanish-speaking specialists are available, interpreters cover 150 languages, and you can also chat online or reach them through 711 relay. Dialing 211 reaches a confidential local specialist who knows what's available nearby: food programs, help with bills and housing, mental health care and more.

If cooking for one feels impossible, Meals on Wheels serves many adults 60 and older who have trouble shopping or cooking. Cost depends on the local program; some meals are free or by donation.

When You Can't Get Out: Phone and Online

Maybe you don't drive anymore, the nearest group is an hour away, or your body just won't cooperate. Company can still come to you.

By phone. Well Connected offers free group calls and online sessions every day of the year for adults 60 and older, including a Spanish program; call 877-797-7299 to enroll. The Friendship Line, run by the nonprofit Institute on Aging, is a free line that answers 24 hours a day at 888-670-1360 for adults 60 and older, adults with disabilities and caregivers. It offers grief support and will make regular check-in calls if you ask. It's based in California, so call and ask what it can offer where you live.

Online, with people who've lost what you lost. Soaring Spirits International welcomes widowed people anywhere with an internet connection, with weekly Zoom gatherings for the newly widowed, an online forum and a pen pal program. The Compassionate Friends holds online chats for parents, grandparents and adult brothers and sisters after a child's death. Many hospices now run grief groups over Zoom too.

A Weekly-Call Plan

Staying in touch every day, with family, friends and neighbors, is one of the National Institute on Aging's own tips for easing loneliness. When you live alone, it helps to make that a plan instead of a hope, so no day goes by without a voice.

Make a list of five to seven people. Old friends, a cousin, a neighbor, someone from church, a coworker who's retired too. Then ask each one for a regular day: "Would you call me Tuesday evenings?" People who once said they'd do anything to help usually mean it. This is something you can let them do.

Fill the gaps with a program. Many counties run telephone reassurance programs, where a trained volunteer calls at a set time every day, weekends included, and contacts someone you've named if you don't answer. Ask the Eldercare Locator or 211 whether there's one near you. LGBTQ+ elders can sign up for SAGEConnect, which matches them with a volunteer for a friendly call or video chat once a week for six weeks.

Keep it on paper by the phone. Our free printable below has a week of names and times on page one, plus space for the evenings and weekends that feel the longest.

Staying Safe When You Live Alone

None of this is meant to scare you. It's the quiet kind of planning that lets you, and anyone who cares about you, sleep a little easier.

Ask about a daily check-in. A Stateline report found that hundreds of police departments and sheriff's offices, mostly in small towns, suburbs and rural areas, offer a free daily call to older adults who live alone. You pick the time and press a number to say you're okay. If you don't answer after a few tries, they contact the person you named, and may send someone to your door. Ask your local department, senior center or Area Agency on Aging.

Give a neighbor or friend you trust a key and your phone number, and post your emergency information on the refrigerator: your doctor, where your medicine list is, who to call, and who takes care of your pet if you're in the hospital.

Watch for scams. People who've just lost someone are targets. The Federal Trade Commission warns about callers pretending to be from the funeral home and demanding more money right away. Michigan's attorney general warns that scammers mine death notices for personal details, then pose as government agencies, debt collectors, insurers or long-lost friends. Slow down, call back on a number you already trust, and never pay by wire, gift card or cryptocurrency. You can report fraud at ReportFraud.ftc.gov. The site has been offline during this fall's federal government shutdown, so if it won't load, try again later.

Tell someone if the nights get dark. If you start to feel you'd rather not wake up, please don't keep it to yourself. Reach the 988 Lifeline by call or text, whatever the hour.

Every Kind of Alone

LGBTQ+ elders. Many LGBTQ+ older adults have had to build their own families, and grief can hit that chosen circle hard. Besides SAGEConnect, the National Resource Center on LGBTQ+ Aging keeps a directory of LGBTQ+-friendly aging services and a virtual hub, SAGEYou, for events and community.

Out in the country. If the nearest group is a long drive away, start with the phone and online options above, and ask your nearest hospice whether it runs groups by Zoom or phone. Your library and your church may be closer company than you'd think.

Living with a disability. The Disability Information and Access Line (DIAL) connects people with disabilities to local help: call, text or videophone 888-677-1199, weekdays 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. Eastern. The Friendship Line serves adults with disabilities of any age. 988 also takes texts and online chats, and has ASL videophone for Deaf callers and people who are hard of hearing.

Younger and on your own. Most of the phone programs above are for people 60 and older, and that can leave you feeling left out twice. Hospice community grief groups take grieving adults of any age. Soaring Spirits welcomes widowed people at any age, and The Compassionate Friends chats include brothers and sisters 18 and up. 988 is there for everyone, any hour.

No phone or no internet. The federal Lifeline program takes up to $9.25 a month off phone or internet service for people with lower incomes or who get help such as SNAP, Medicaid, SSI or a VA survivors pension; call 800-234-9473, any day from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Eastern. Public libraries have free computers and Wi-Fi, and senior centers have real people. You can also ask a hospice to mail you its grief letters, and a letter to an old friend is company too.

Hearing loss, without sign language. If you can speak but struggle to hear on the phone, a captioned telephone shows the other person's words on a screen. The relay costs are covered, not billed to you. You can also dial 711 for relay, text 988, or use the Eldercare Locator's online chat.

Widowers. If your wife was the one who kept up with the friends, the family birthdays and the church calendar, the phone can go quiet fast, and asking for company may feel foreign. Ask your nearest hospice whether it has a men's grief group. Grieving by doing counts too: a volunteer shift, fixing something for a neighbor, or a Men's Shed, a workshop where mostly retired men build, repair and talk, if there's one near you. Our guide for widows and widowers has more.

Lonely where you live, even with neighbors down the hall. Assisted living or a nursing home can be lonely in its own way after a loss. Tell the activities director, chaplain or social services staff what happened, and ask for a grief group or a regular visit. If you feel shut out, unheard or not well cared for, your long-term care ombudsman works for residents of nursing homes and assisted living and can step in on your side.

When others didn't see them as your family. A partner you never married, a best friend of forty years, an ex, a stepparent, a roommate who was more like a brother: when the world doesn't count your loss, you can end up grieving alone even in a crowd. Your grief is real, and When Your Grief Isn't Recognized speaks to exactly this. If family is the reason the house is empty, Grief After a Complicated or Estranged Relationship could be a gentle next read.

The last one left. If you've outlived your spouse, your brothers and sisters and most of your friends, every new loss can take some of your own history with it. It's all right to grieve the people and the years at once. Telling their stories to someone younger, a neighbor, a grandchild, a volunteer caller, keeps them in the world.

In Spanish. The Eldercare Locator has Spanish-speaking specialists, Well Connected has a Spanish program, and at 988, pressing 2 connects you in Spanish.

What Can Wait

You don't have to clear the closets, decide about the house, or become someone who loves being alone. You don't have to join a group this month, or say yes to every invitation. For now, it's enough to eat something small, nap when your body asks, and let one voice in each day.

One Voice a Day

Living alone doesn't mean you have to grieve alone. Start with one call, one group, one name on the list. Then let the people who were waiting to be asked step in.

More Help

• The First Holidays After a Loss: A Gentle Guide for Grieving Families
• Grieving as an Adult: A Gentle Guide for Every Kind of Loss
• What No One Tells You About Being a Widow (or Widower)
• When Your Grief Isn't Recognized
• Is This Still Grief? A Gentle Guide for Families
• When the Caring Ends: A Grief Companion for Former Caregivers

Please note: this guide is general information, not medical, mental health or legal advice. Programs, phone numbers and hours can change, and services differ by state and county. For help that fits you, talk with your doctor, a hospice bereavement counselor, or a local agency on aging.

If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed