If you only have a moment
So many families say “I wish I'd asked,” so start while there's time, a few minutes at a stretch, with one easy question about where they trained or who their buddies were. Alongside the stories, gently learn their wishes, like whether they want Taps, the flag or a quiet graveside, and find the DD-214 now, because the funeral home will need it for honors and burial. If old memories stir, slow down and simply keep them company.
What was it really like? Who were your buddies? Do you want Taps, or the flag, or just a quiet graveside?
So many families tell me the same thing after a veteran dies: I wish I had asked. The story told once at a holiday table. The name of the buddy he always brought up. Whether she wanted honors at all. I know what it's like to be left with questions no one can answer anymore, and I don't want that for your family.
So I made Honor and Memory, a book a veteran can fill in a few minutes at a time, even on tired days. Below you'll find what's inside, how to start the conversation, what to do if hard memories come up, and the free programs that can keep their story safe for good.
Jump to: Who it's for · What's inside · Starting the conversation · Hard memories · Keeping it safe · Papers to find now · Making it work · Two editions · For hospices and groups
Who It's For
Every kind of service counts: active duty, Guard and Reserve, Coast Guard, the Public Health Service and NOAA Corps, stateside or overseas, a few years or a whole career, peacetime or combat. Women and men, whatever the discharge. It's written to the veteran, but nobody has to do it alone.
- Every page is optional. Skip anything. Leave pages blank. Go in any order.
- Someone else can do the writing. A son or daughter, a grandchild, a chaplain, or a hospice volunteer can ask the questions and write the answers down.
- It can be done out loud. If writing is too much, record the conversation on a phone. A recording can be as precious as the book itself. Ask first, and decide together who keeps it and whether it's ever shared.
What's Inside
Their story
- Gentle prompts from hometown and basic training to buddies, deployments, the funny stories, and coming home
- Prompts for every era, from World War II and Korea to the Cold War, Vietnam, the Gulf, and post-9/11, plus peacetime and missions at home
- World and stateside maps to mark where they trained and served
- Their medals and what they mean, their military words, and the things civilians never understood
- Pages for women veterans, former prisoners of war, service that was complicated, and the traditions of their own community and faith
- The hard parts and the ones they lost, at their own pace, with no pressure to share and a lighter page always close by
Their wishes
- Letters to family, to the people they served with, and to grandchildren, plus letters to open later
- A one-page "Service at a Glance" so hospice and care teams know the veteran as a person, not just a patient
- Health care papers, funeral honors, burial choices, keepsakes and pets, firearms in the home, and their digital life
Their family's next steps
- Where the DD-214 and other papers are, VA claims and exposures, and how to spot scams aimed at veteran families
- A plain checklist for the first weeks after, with the numbers to call
- Pages of their own for free writing and sketches
Contacts, benefit rules, and honors information in the book were checked against VA and Department of Defense sources in October 2026. Rules change, so confirm with the office named before you act.
How to Start the Conversation
Start small. You don't need a long afternoon. Pick one page, or ask one question over coffee. "Where did you go to basic?" can turn into an hour of stories you've never heard.
Want a simple place to begin? Our free Ten Questions to Ask Your Veteran card has ten starter questions with room to write their answers (large print · en español · letra grande).
Let them lead. Some veterans want to talk about their service. Others don't, and their service may not be the center of who they are. The Conversation Project suggests simply asking how they feel about their service and whether they want it part of their care, then respecting the answer.
Bring something to hold. Old photos, medals, a map, a uniform patch, or music from their service years can open doors that questions can't.
If memory is fading, follow their story instead of correcting it. Write down what they say, and add a note from the DD-214 later if the facts differ. The book has a box for exactly that.
If time is short, turn to the "If Time Is Short" page at the front. It points to the few pages that matter most, so the practical things and a few words from the heart get done first.
If Hard Memories Come Up
For some veterans, memories of their service come back more often later in life, even after decades of doing fine. Researchers who study aging veterans have found that retirement, illness, and the deaths of a spouse or old friends can stir them up. For many, looking back is part of making sense of a whole life (Davison and colleagues, 2006).
- Pause any time. No page has to be finished. Turn to a lighter one, like the funny stories or photos.
- Tell the hospice team if nightmares, fear, or guilt are getting worse. Chaplains and social workers can help with this.
- If fear rises at the bedside, our free Sitting With Someone Who's Scared has gentle words to say and questions for the chaplain or social worker (en español).
- Keep the crisis line close. The Veterans Crisis Line is for veterans and the families and friends who care about them, even if the veteran isn't enrolled in VA care: dial 988, then press 1, or text 838255.
If you want to understand more about why the past can come back near the end, read When Old War Memories Come Back Near the End of Life and keep our short bedside card When the Past Comes Back nearby (large print · en español · letra grande). Our family guide Honor and Comfort has a whole section on it too.
Ways to Keep Their Story Safe for Good
The book lives in your home. These free programs can keep a copy safe beyond it:
- The Veterans History Project. The Library of Congress collects first-person stories from veterans of every era since World War I, combat or not. A collection needs at least one of these: a recorded interview of 30 minutes or more, a written memoir of at least 20 pages, or at least 10 original photos or letters. Family members can do the interview. Questions: vohp@loc.gov or 888-371-5848. Our step-by-step guide, How to Record a Veteran's Story for the Veterans History Project, walks you through it.
- My Life, My Story. At about 75 VA medical facilities, trained writers interview veterans and write a short life story the veteran can share with family. With permission, it goes into their VA medical record so their care team knows them better. Veterans need to be enrolled in VA health care. Ask your VA medical center or email mystory@va.gov. Learn about My Life, My Story.
- Veterans Legacy Memorial. An online memorial page from VA's National Cemetery Administration, where people can share stories and memories of a veteran. Visit VA.gov/remember.
Papers That Go With the Story
Find the DD-214 now. It's the paper the funeral home will need for honors and burial. If it's missing, a free copy can be requested from the National Archives.
Ask about burial eligibility ahead of time. A veteran can apply for a VA pre-need decision on burial in a VA national cemetery (VA Form 40-10007, or apply online). It confirms eligibility but doesn't reserve a gravesite or guarantee a certain cemetery.
Use VA's own record kit too. VA's free Planning Your Legacy booklet has a Record of Personal Affairs to fill in. Keep it somewhere safe; it holds private details.
Hand one page to the funeral director. Our free Give This to Your Funeral Director sheet gathers what they'll need for honors and burial benefits (fillable version).
Making It Work for Your Family
- Short on ink or paper? Print only the pages you need, or ask your hospice or local library if they can print it for you.
- Vision, hands, or energy? Use the large print edition, or let someone else write while the veteran talks.
- Far away? Ask the questions by phone or video and record the call (with their okay), or mail the paperback with a few pages marked.
- Living alone? A hospice volunteer or chaplain can be the one who asks and writes.
- Not legal next of kin? The "Who May Read This Book" page lets the veteran name the people they trust most, even if that's chosen family or a partner. It isn't a legal document, so health care and funeral decisions also belong in the right legal papers.
- A complicated discharge or a hard history? Every veteran's story belongs here. There's a page for service that was complicated, and no one has to explain anything they don't want to.
Two Editions of Honor and Memory
This edition is made for veterans facing a serious illness or in hospice, with an "If Time Is Short" page, wishes, and pages for the care team. For a veteran at any stage of life, there's an everyday edition, Honor and Memory: A Veteran's Story Journal, focused on passing down stories and wisdom. Both are free, and both are on Amazon as paperbacks.
A Veterans Day Idea
This Veterans Day, instead of only saying thank you, ask. Print the first few pages, or give the paperback, and sit down together. The stories you hear could be the ones your grandchildren read someday.
For Hospices, Chaplains, Funeral Homes, and Veterans Organizations
Hospices, VA and community care teams, chaplains, Veterans Service Officers, funeral homes helping veterans plan ahead, and veterans organizations are welcome to print unaltered copies of the free PDF and give them to the people they serve, at no charge. It pairs with our free Honor and Comfort veteran care set for hospice teams. You'll find more on our For Hospice & Care Teams and Free Resources for Funeral Homes pages.
More Help
- When a Veteran Is in Hospice: A Family Guide to Comfort, Honors, and Benefits
- Honor and Memory: A Story Journal for Veterans
- Military Funeral Honors: Who Qualifies and How to Arrange Them
- Planning Your Own Funeral in Hospice: Guides for Patients and Families
- How to Write a Tribute for Your Veteran Loved One
- All our free printables
Please note: Honor and Memory and this post offer general information and writing prompts. They are not medical, legal, or benefits advice, and they don't replace your hospice team, VA, an accredited Veterans Service Officer, or an attorney. Benefit rules and contacts change, so please confirm before you act.
Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988, then press 1; text 838255; or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net. In an emergency, call 911.
Download Honor and Memory free (PDF) · Large print · Order the paperback · See all our books
These resources are free, always. If this helped your family and you'd like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift.
With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed