Planning Your Own Funeral: A Gentle Guide

I spend my days making things for families in the hardest weeks of their lives: programs, checklists, guides they can print at midnight. And the thing I've come to believe is that the kindest planning often happens long before anyone needs it.

Planning your own funeral can feel strange, maybe a little like tempting fate. It isn't. It's one of the quietest ways to love the people you'll leave behind. You decide what matters, and they get to spend those first days remembering you instead of guessing.

So let's take it at your pace. Do as much or as little as you want. Even ten minutes counts.

Jump to: Start with ten minutes · Why it can feel hard · What to write down · Your message to them · Let them off the hook · Who carries it out · Without overpaying · Room for everyone · Where to keep it · Telling your family · Common questions

Start With Ten Minutes

Write down just these three things, and tell one person where you put them:

• Who you want in charge of the decisions when the time comes.
• Burial, cremation, or something else, and where you'd like to rest.
• Where your important papers are: will, insurance, any prepaid plan, military papers.

Our one-page If I Only Do One Thing card (en español) is made for exactly this. Everything below is optional, for whenever you're ready.

Why This Can Feel Hard

Thinking about your own death is not a small thing. Some of us grew up in families where it was never talked about, or in cultures where saying it out loud feels like inviting it. Some people sit down to do this right after losing someone, or after hard news from a doctor, and the feelings come in waves.

All of that is normal. This isn't only for older people, either. Parents of young children, people living alone, and people with a new diagnosis plan ahead too, and there's no wrong age to start. You can fill in one line and put it away for a month. It will still count.

What to Write Down

Burial, cremation, or something else. When my husband died, I knew he wanted to be cremated and buried in a national cemetery, because he'd told me. That one conversation answered the two biggest questions before anyone had to ask them. If you know where you'd like to rest, or where you'd like your ashes to go, say so. If you're drawn to an earth-friendly choice, the Green Burial Council describes green burial as “a way of caring for the dead with minimal environmental impact” and has maps of certified cemeteries and funeral homes.

If home is somewhere else. If you'd like to be buried in another state or another country, write that down and tell your family early. The Funeral Consumers Alliance's guide to deaths away from home explains that two funeral homes are usually involved, one sending and one receiving, each with its own fees, and that a consulate can help when another country is involved. Cremated remains can travel more simply: carried on a flight, packed in checked luggage, or mailed.

Donation. To be an organ, eye and tissue donor, sign up through your state's registry or at your motor vehicle office, and tell your family you did. If you'd like to give your body to a medical school, contact the program near you now and ask how it works.

The kind of goodbye. A funeral, a memorial later, a graveside gathering, a celebration of life, or nothing formal at all. Where would you like it, and who would you like to lead it? “No service, just get together and tell stories” is a real wish too.

Faith, culture, or none. Name your faith community and any customs that matter, like prayers, a wake, timing, or how your body is cared for. If you aren't religious, you can say that plainly, so no one adds what wouldn't feel like you.

The name you go by. Your chosen name, your pronouns, and the photo you'd like people to see. Your own words settle it.

Music, readings, and who speaks. These are the details that make a service feel personal, and they're hard for anyone else to guess.

Your story. Some people write their own obituary. Others jot down a few things they'd want said: the work they were proud of, the places they loved, the people who shaped them. Our fill-in-the-blank obituary templates can get you started. Consumer Reports also suggests leaving a list of names to include, so no one is left out.

The small things. Colors, flowers, a favorite verse or quote, what you'd like to wear. These are the touches that make people say, “That was so her,” or “That was so him.”

What you don't want. No open casket. No long eulogy. A “please don't” is just as helpful as a “please do.”

If you served. Note whether you'd like military funeral honors and where your DD-214 is kept. If you'd like burial in a VA national cemetery, you and your spouse can apply for a pre-need eligibility decision (VA Form 40-10007) now. It doesn't reserve a gravesite, but your family won't have to prove you qualify during the hardest week of their lives. Our free My Service, Wishes, and Papers pages (fillable version) give veterans one place to write down their service, funeral honors wishes, and where their papers are.

A Message to the People You Love

This part is optional, and it may matter most. A few words of love, a thank-you, a blessing, an “I'm proud of you,” or permission to laugh again. It doesn't have to be long or polished. Your handwriting alone will mean something.

If you'd like help finding the words, our guide to writing a legacy letter has gentle prompts and free printable stationery.

Let Them Off the Hook

Here's one line I'd ask you to add, because it can lift a weight off the people you love:

“These are my wishes, not orders. If something costs too much, or the weather turns, or you need to do it differently, do what's right for you. I'll understand.”

No one wants to wonder whether they let you down. Your blessing to adapt may be one of the kindest lines on the page.

Choose Who Will Carry It Out

This one is easy to miss, and it matters. Every state honors your right to name a designated agent, a person you choose to make the decisions about your body and your funeral, according to the Funeral Consumers Alliance's state-by-state guide. The form and the rules differ from state to state, so check yours there.

If you don't name someone, the law usually hands that job to your next of kin in a set order. That can leave out the very people who know you best: a partner you never married, chosen family, a best friend, or the one relative who will actually follow your wishes. In blended families, or when relatives don't get along, naming one person can keep the peace. Our state-by-state guide to who has the right to make funeral decisions shows the order where you live, and the free one-page form Who Will Decide for Me? helps you put your choice in writing.

Whoever you choose, tell them, ask if they're willing, and give them a copy of your wishes.

Plan Ahead, Without Overpaying

Know your rights. Under the FTC Funeral Rule, funeral homes must give prices over the phone if you ask, and give you a General Price List to keep. You can buy only what you want, use a casket or urn you bought somewhere else, and choose a simple container for cremation. And no state law requires routine embalming for every death.

Plan now, pay later. The Funeral Consumers Alliance says it is “usually not wise to pay ahead,” and doesn't recommend prepaying unless you must to qualify for Medicaid. One option they describe is a payable-on-death bank account naming someone you trust, which is released to them without waiting for probate.

If you do prepay, the FTC's guide to planning your own funeral suggests asking: What exactly am I buying? Where does the money go? Am I protected if this funeral home closes? Can I cancel for a full refund? What happens if I move or die away from home? Protections vary a lot by state, and in some states there is little or none. Then tell your family, so no one pays twice.

Final expense insurance. Consumer Reports cautions that the premiums can add up to more than the policy pays, and some policies take years before they cover the full amount. Read the terms slowly. Our final expense insurance guide explains the waiting period and how to work out the true cost.

If money is tight. A simple goodbye is still a loving one. Your local Funeral Consumers Alliance group may have price surveys for your area. Social Security's one-time $255 death payment can go to a surviving spouse, or to some children if there's no spouse. Veterans and their spouses may be eligible for burial in a national cemetery with no charge for the gravesite, opening and closing, or a headstone or marker. Writing “keep it simple, please don't spend much” may be the most generous line on your whole page.

Make Room for Everyone

Think about the people who will come to say goodbye, and note anything that would help them:

• Language and access. A service or program in more than one language, an ASL interpreter, large print programs, or a place everyone can get into and sit down.
• The ones far away. A livestream or recording for friends and family who can't travel.
• Children. A small job they could have, like handing out programs or choosing a flower.
• Guests in recovery. If there's a toast or gathering, a non-alcoholic choice.
• Your pets. Who will take them, and who has a key. The ASPCA's pet planning guide suggests a wallet card and an emergency contact sheet so no pet is left behind.
• If you live alone. Name one person who will be called first, and make sure they know where your papers are.

Keep It With the Right Papers

Your wishes aren't a will. The FTC warns not to put your funeral wishes only in your will, because a will is often read after the funeral. And don't keep the only copy in a safe deposit box, which may be closed on a weekend or holiday.

Your health care wishes are separate, too. An advance directive covers your medical care before death. CaringInfo has free forms for every state.

Where things are. Write down where to find your will, life insurance, any prepaid plan, cemetery deed, and DD-214. For your privacy, there's no need to write account or Social Security numbers on your worksheet. Just say where they're kept.

Your phone and photos. You can choose someone to reach your accounts after you die with Apple Legacy Contact or Google's Inactive Account Manager. Years of family photos may live on that phone.

Tell the People You Love

As the FTC puts it, “If your family isn't aware that you've made plans, your wishes may not be carried out.” So give copies to the person you've chosen and to anyone else who should have one, and say where the original is.

If you're not sure how to start, try something small: “I filled out one of those funeral wishes pages. Can I show you where I put it?” It doesn't have to become a long, heavy talk.

Then look at it again every few years, as the FTC suggests. Wishes change, and that's okay.

Here for someone else? If you're hoping a parent or spouse will plan, our free book Planning Together helps you start that conversation. If they're in hospice or seriously ill now, our guide to planning your own funeral in hospice is written for them and for you.

Common Questions

At what age should I start planning my own funeral?

There's no right or wrong age. Parents of young children, people who live alone and people facing a new diagnosis all plan ahead. Writing even one line now still helps.

What should I write down first?

Start with three things: the person you'd like to make choices for you, burial or cremation (and the place), and the spot where your will, insurance and other key papers are kept. Then let one person know where you've put the page.

Should I put my funeral wishes in my will?

Not only there. Wills are often opened after the service is over, so your family may not see your wishes in time. A safe deposit box isn't a good only copy either, since the bank can be closed on the very days they need it.

Is it okay to say I don't want a funeral?

Yes. Asking for no service, or just a get-together to share stories, is a real wish. Things you don't want, like no open casket, are just as helpful to write down.

Is it better to prepay for a funeral or set money aside?

The Funeral Consumers Alliance says paying ahead usually isn't wise unless you need to for Medicaid. One option it describes is a payable-on-death account at your bank, with a person you trust named on it. That money passes to them without going through probate first.

Can a veteran find out ahead of time if they qualify for a national cemetery?

Yes. Veterans and their spouses can apply to the VA now for a pre-need decision. It doesn't hold a gravesite, but it settles the eligibility question ahead of time, so no one has to sort it out later.

How do I tell my family about my funeral plans?

Start small, perhaps by showing them where you keep your wishes page. Hand a copy to the one you've picked to make decisions, plus anyone else you'd like to have it. Look the page over again every few years.

More Help

• Who Has the Right to Make Funeral Decisions? A State-by-State Guide
• Final Expense Insurance: Is It Worth It?
• Paying for a Funeral: What It Costs, Your Rights, Your Options and Who Can Help
• Your Rights With a Cemetery: Fees, Vaults, Headstones and What to Get in Writing
• Planning Your Own Funeral in Hospice: Guides for Patients and Families
• What to Gather Before a Loved One Dies
• How to Write a Legacy Letter
• Fill-in-the-Blank Obituary Templates
• What to Include in a Celebration of Life
• Military Funeral Honors: Who Qualifies and How to Arrange Them
• All our free printables

Please note: This guide and worksheet are planning resources, not legal or financial advice, and the worksheet is not a legal document or a will. Laws on funeral agents and prepaid plans vary by state. For legal questions, talk with an attorney; for prices and arrangements, talk with a funeral home or your local Funeral Consumers Alliance group.

If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911. Veterans: dial 988, then press 1; text 838255; or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net.

Download My Funeral Wishes free (PDF) · En español

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed