After the Funeral: Living With Traumatic Loss in the Weeks and Months After

The funeral is over. The casseroles have stopped coming, and people have gone back to their own lives. You're still standing in the middle of yours, wondering how you're supposed to keep doing this.

I know what it's like when the house goes quiet after a funeral, and the world decides the hardest part is behind you. A sudden loss makes that quiet even harder.

So here are some answers for this stretch, after everyone else has gone home. You don't have to figure any of it out alone.

Jump to: Why it feels worse now · Can't think straight · Pictures that come back · When people ask · Going back to work · When grief stays stuck · People who understand · A text to send today · What can wait · Taking care of you

"Why Does It Feel Worse Now?"

It's one of the most common questions after a loss, and it makes sense. In the first days, shock carries you. It helps you get through the calls, the arrangements and the service.

When the shock wears off, the loss starts to feel real. For many people, the hardest stretch comes around three to four months after the death. That's also right when everyone else expects you to be doing better.

Feeling worse now doesn't mean you're going backward. It often means you've stopped running on shock. Grief counselor Lois Tonkin shared a picture that many grieving people find helpful: the grief doesn't get smaller, but over time your life slowly grows bigger around it.

"Why Can't I Think Straight?"

You walk into a room and forget why. You read the same page three times. You lose your keys, your words, whole afternoons.

Confusion, forgetfulness and feeling numb are common signs of grief, especially after a sudden death. Your mind is carrying something enormous. Be patient with it. Write things down, set phone reminders, and hold off on big decisions when you can.

"Why Do I Keep Seeing It?"

After a sudden or violent death, many people are haunted by pictures in their mind: what they saw, or what they imagine happened. They can come without warning or show up as nightmares.

Talking it through with someone you trust, as many times as you need to, can slowly make those pictures less painful. They may not disappear, but they usually get easier to live with.

If you never got to say goodbye, try writing them a letter. Say the things you didn't get to say.

If the images keep you from sleeping or getting through your day, please tell your doctor or a therapist. That can be a sign of trauma, and it can be treated.

"What Do I Say When People Ask How I'm Doing?"

You don't owe anyone the whole truth, and you don't have to pretend. A few honest, simple answers:

• "Some days are okay. Today's a hard one."
• "Not great, but I'm getting through it. Thanks for asking."
• "Honestly? It's harder now than it was at first."

With people you trust, it's okay to say what you need: "Could you just sit with me?" or "Would you say their name? I miss hearing it."

"When Do I Go Back to Work?"

There's no right answer. Some people need the routine. Others can't face it yet.

Federal law doesn't require bereavement leave, but a few states do, including California. Rules and pay vary by state and employer, so ask HR exactly what you're allowed. If you're struggling to function, your doctor can talk with you about other medical leave options.

When Grief Stays Stuck

For most people, grief slowly becomes something they can carry. For some, especially after a sudden or violent death, it stays stuck. That's called prolonged grief disorder.

It's only diagnosed after time has passed: 12 months for adults, 6 months for children and teens. The main sign is a longing that doesn't let up, nearly every day. Other signs include feeling like part of you died too, not believing they're gone, or feeling numb or deeply alone.

It's more common after a sudden death. About 1 in 10 people develop it after a natural death, and many more after an accident, suicide or homicide. It isn't a weakness, and it doesn't mean you loved them wrong.

There's treatment made for it. Prolonged Grief Treatment, developed at Columbia University, usually takes about 16 sessions. About 7 in 10 people in their studies were much improved. Ask for it by name. Columbia's free therapist list is sorted by state, and many see people online.

Find People Who Understand

Friends love you, but people who've lost someone the same way understand in a different way. These are free:

• After a suicide loss: the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention lists suicide loss support groups, in person and online.
• After a homicide: Parents of Murdered Children has chapters across the country, and members can go to court with you.
• After a drunk or drugged driving crash: MADD's Victim Help Line is free and open 24/7 at 1-877-MADD-HELP (1-877-623-3435).
• After the death of a child, at any age: The Compassionate Friends has free chapters in every state.

Your hospice, funeral home or doctor may also know of local grief groups.

A Text You Can Send Today

Most support fades right when you need it most. Pick two or three people and send something like this:

"Thank you for being there these past weeks. Could I ask one more thing? Would you check on me in a month, and again at three months? I think it's going to get harder before it gets easier, and it would mean a lot to know you'll call."

Then put their birthday, your hard dates and the anniversary on your calendar, and decide ahead of time who you'll be with.

What Can Wait

• Clearing out their room or closet
• Deciding what to keep and what to give away
• Taking down photos, or putting them up
• "Getting back to normal"

There's no deadline. However long this takes is how long it gets to take.

Taking Care of You

Grief is tiring in your body, not just your heart. Eat something, even if it's small. Drink water. Step outside for a few minutes. Keep loving them out loud: say their name, keep their sweater, talk to them. That isn't being stuck. It's what love looks like after death.

For the months ahead, our guide After a Sudden or Violent Loss comes with a free companion book you can keep by your bed.

More Help

• After a Sudden or Violent Loss
• After a Suicide or Overdose Loss
• Is This Still Grief? A Gentle Guide for Families
• When the Loss Was Someone Else's Fault
• The First Holidays After a Loss

Please note: This is general information, not medical, legal or mental health advice. Leave rules vary by state and employer, so check with HR. For your own grief, your doctor or a licensed grief therapist is your best guide. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed