If you only have a moment
Tell them soon, in plain words: say what the illness is and that their parent is dying, because children nearly always sense trouble, and silence leaves them picturing something worse. At any age, they need to hear that this isn't their fault, that it isn't catching, and exactly who will look after them. Let each child choose their own way to say goodbye, keep their days as ordinary as you can, and know that crying in front of them is all right.
Maybe it's late, and the house is finally quiet. The doctor's words from this afternoon are still sitting on your chest. Down the hall, your children are asleep, and they don't know yet. Tomorrow they'll ask why you look like you've been crying. And you're lying awake wondering how anyone finds the words to tell a child that their mom or dad is dying.
My story isn't exactly yours. My husband died suddenly, so there was no warning and no time to prepare our children. But when I got home from the hospital that day, this was the task waiting for me: finding the words to tell them. I know what it is to stand outside their door, searching for words that don't exist, and then hear yourself say them anyway.
What I didn't have was time. If you have some, I want to help you use it well. When I went looking, most of what I found was written for cancer only, or for families in another country, or it stopped the moment the conversation ended. So I gathered what the children's grief experts say and set it down here for every family, whatever the illness.
Here's what's ahead: what to say and how to say it, words for each age, the questions children ask, ways to say goodbye while there's still time, and what comes after. Take the part you need tonight. The rest will keep.
Is the parent who's dying a veteran? Our post When a Younger Veteran Is in Hospice covers the benefits, VA help and survivor steps that go with this. Is someone you love dying in prison? Start with our prison family guide and its children's guide. Is it a grandparent or someone else in hospice? Our guide Helping Children and Teens When Someone They Love Is in Hospice is written for you.
Jump to: Why telling them matters · Before you begin · What every child needs to hear · Words for each age · Explaining it differently · Saying goodbye · Who will take care of me? · Keeping life normal · When the time comes · Every family is different · What can wait · Help for all of you
Why Telling Them Matters
Every part of you wants to protect them. I understand that. But children almost always know something is wrong. They notice the conversations that stop when they walk into the room, and when no one explains, they often imagine something worse than the truth.
Children's grief experts agree that trying to shield children from a parent's decline rarely works, and it can make the loss harder for them to adjust to later. The National Cancer Institute adds that keeping a hard truth from children leaves them unprepared, can make their grief last longer, and may make it harder for them to trust people later. Telling them gives them something no one can give back afterward: time. Time to ask questions, to say what they want to say, and to be close while they still can.
If you're the parent who is dying, you may want to tell them yourself, or with the other parent or a trusted adult beside you. If you're the parent who will be left, you may be doing this for both of you. Either way is loving.
Before You Begin
There is no perfect time, and waiting for one rarely works. The Dougy Center, a national grief center for children, encourages families to start early so children can be part of what's happening instead of on the outside of it.
Pick a quiet time when no one has to rush off. The children's doctors behind KidsHealth suggest avoiding bedtime, when news this big can make it hard to sleep. If you can, talk with each child on their own, so you can fit the words to their age. With several children, you might tell them together first and then sit with each one alone.
Write down what you want to say. It's okay to practice with a friend, the hospice social worker or a chaplain. It's okay to have notes in your lap.
Start by asking. Something as simple as "How do you think Mom is doing?" or "What have you noticed lately?" Their answer shows you where to begin, and sometimes it reveals a worry you'd never have guessed.
What Every Child Needs to Hear
Whatever their age, a few things matter more than anything else you say.
The name of the illness, and the word "dying." It feels so harsh. But "not getting better" leaves children confused, and a child who only hears "Daddy is sick" may start to fear that anyone who gets sick will die, as the National Library of Medicine explains. "Dad has a kind of cancer the medicine can't fix" is clearer, and kinder in the long run.
It isn't your fault. Young children often believe their thoughts or angry words can make things happen. Say it out loud, even if they don't ask: nothing you did, said or wished caused this.
You can't catch it. For most illnesses, children need to hear that they can't catch it and their friends can't either.
You will be taken care of. Underneath almost everything, children are asking: What will happen to me? Who will take care of me? Will you die too? Answer those as honestly as you can, even before they're asked.
What will stay the same. Their school, their room, the people who love them. Children cope better when they know what isn't changing, and when they're given small ways to help, like picking the music, bringing a drink of water, or drawing a picture for the bedside.
"I don't know" is an honest answer. When you don't know, say so, and promise to find out. Then keep the promise.
Expect to tell it more than once. Young children may ask the same question over and over, sometimes hoping the answer will change. That's how they make sense of something this big. It doesn't mean you did it wrong.
Words for Each Age
These are only starting points. Change them to fit your family, your faith and your child.
Babies and toddlers. Little ones can't understand dying yet, but they feel every change. You might tell them their parent needs lots of rest now and can't play as much, and that it doesn't mean their parent is angry or loves them any less. Hugs, holding hands and lying close still count. Keep their routines steady, and if their parent is able, record them reading a favorite story or singing the bedtime song.
Ages 3 to 5. Children this age often think death can be undone, or that the person will come back. Use simple, concrete words: "Mommy's body is very sick. Soon her body will stop working, and she won't breathe anymore. She won't be able to come back, and that's very sad. You didn't make this happen." Avoid "going to sleep," which can make bedtime frightening.
Ages 6 to 8. They may ask how and why again and again, worry about who else might die, and have tummy aches or nightmares. Keep answers short and true, let them play hard, and keep saying it isn't their fault.
Ages 9 to 12. Children this age understand that death is forever, and some want to know exactly what's happening to the body. They may be embarrassed by big feelings and keep them hidden. Answer their questions accurately, tell them when things are changing, and before each visit, tell them what they'll see and hear.
Teenagers. Teens understand death the way adults do, but they don't yet have an adult's ways of coping with it. Ask how much they want to know, then answer honestly, even as the end comes close. Gently steer them away from searching online, where they'll find the worst stories, and toward the care team for real answers.
Teens notice when news is held back. In a 2025 study, young adults who lost a parent in hospice as teenagers said they wished they'd been told the truth sooner, and that they felt overlooked, as if the hospice team was only there for their parent. It may help to ask one person on the team to talk with your teen directly.
Many teens want to help, and that's a gift. But the American Cancer Society is clear that they should never feel responsible for a parent's care. Let them choose how much time to spend with their parent, and give them a real voice in the plans that affect them.
Some teens will want to talk. Others would rather talk by text, in the car, or through a door left open. Meet them wherever they are.
For a closer look at what grief looks like at each age, the Dougy Center's grief by age guide is excellent.
Finding the Words: Telling Children a Parent Is Dying
For: parents, grandparents and caregivers telling children from toddlers to teens, and the hospice and school staff who help them (2 pages)
What's inside: words to start with at each age, the five things every child needs to hear, answers to the questions children ask, goodbye ideas, a fill-in plan for who's caring for them and who's been told, and where to find free help.
Children Who Need It Explained Differently
If your child is autistic or has an intellectual or developmental disability, they may need the news in even more concrete words, and more than once. The Dougy Center's guide for autistic children and teens suggests plain words about the body stopping, simple pictures, and a short step-by-step story about what will happen and what will change in their day.
Their grief may not look like crying. It may show up as more stimming, meltdowns or shutting down. That isn't a lack of caring. It's grief in the language their body knows. Their teachers and therapists already know what helps them, so let them in on what's happening.
Saying Goodbye While There's Still Time
This is the part I most want you to have. Ask each child whether there's something they want to say or do, and let them choose, including choosing not to. A card, a drawing, a letter, or a favorite stuffed animal or blanket left beside their parent can all be a goodbye. If a child doesn't want to visit, someone at the bedside can read their letter aloud or hold up their picture, or you can set up a phone or video call.
The Dougy Center offers a few more ideas. Sing songs or tell stories at the bedside, even if their parent can't answer, since they can likely still hear. Make a playlist of their parent's favorite music. Cook their favorite meal together. Set up a "talking spot" at home with photos, and for little ones, a play telephone so they can "call" their mom or dad.
If the parent who is dying is able, help them leave something for their children to grow up with. A voice recording of a bedtime story. A video saying "I'm proud of you." A letter for a first day of school, a graduation, a wedding. A recipe in their handwriting. Our free My Legacy Letters prompts and stationery can help them start, and they don't have to finish. One short letter is a treasure.
Older children and teens may want to be there at the very end. If the parent who is dying agrees, a teen who wants to be present can be, with a nurse explaining ahead of time what they'll see. A child who doesn't want to be there should never be made to feel guilty.
And keep them close. Most experts advise against sending children to stay with relatives so they won't see the death. Being sent away is usually harder on them than being home, near their parent.
"Who Will Take Care of Me?"
This question may sit underneath every other one, especially if the parent who is dying is a single parent, or the one who does most of the caring. Tell them the plan in words they can hold on to, and keep it steady.
If you can, put the plan in writing now. A parent can name the person they want to raise their children in a will, though a judge still has to approve it, as the New York courts explain. Many states also let a parent who is seriously ill choose someone to step in when needed, while the parent is still the parent. This is called standby guardianship.
If you're a stepparent, a partner who isn't the legal parent, or a grandparent raising the children, please talk with a family law attorney or legal aid office soon. The hospice social worker can help you find one.
If the children will live with someone new, help them grow closer to that person now. Older children can even be asked who they'd like to be with.
Keeping Life as Normal as You Can
School, practice, bedtime, Saturday pancakes. Routines tell a child that the world still holds them. Let their teacher or school counselor know what's happening so they can watch for changes and help. Teens may want to decide for themselves who at school knows, so ask them first.
Let them laugh and see their friends without guilt. Joy isn't disloyal. And if a teen starts quietly taking over the house, thank them, then gently hand some of it back. They need to be a kid for as long as they can.
When the Time Comes
When their parent dies, tell them soon and plainly, using the words "died" and "dead." It may feel like you're breaking their heart all over again. You're not. You're keeping your promise to tell them the truth.
Give them a choice about the funeral or memorial, and tell them exactly what they'll see. Our post Should Children Attend a Funeral? walks through it. In the weeks after, keep saying their parent's name, and help them choose a few things to keep: a shirt, a photo, a voicemail. Don't guess which ones matter. Ask them.
Grief in children comes and goes, and it can come back at new ages. Call your child's doctor if, six months or more after the death, they still can't get back to everyday life, or if they're doing risky things. Any talk of wanting to die or hurt themselves needs help right away: call or text 988.
Every Family Is Different
Faith or none. What you believe about death will shape what you tell your children, and sharing it can comfort them. Just know that young children take words literally, so "in heaven" on its own can confuse them. You might share what your family believes, and also that their parent's body has stopped working and won't come back.
Separated, divorced or blended families. If the children's other parent is living, they may need to be part of this conversation and the plans that follow. Stepchildren, half-siblings and children raised by the parent who is dying all deserve to be told, and to say goodbye.
Two moms, two dads, or a parent who isn't the legal parent. Your children's love is the same. The legal side may not be, so please see the note on guardians above.
Grandparents and other relatives raising children can use everything here. So can foster and kinship families.
Spanish-speaking families can find the Dougy Center's Spanish resources, including Senderos, for families when a relative has a serious illness, and Sesame Workshop's free grief resources for young children, in English and Spanish. Our printable comes in Spanish too.
If the parent can no longer speak or recognize them, because of dementia, a brain illness or strong medication, children can still visit, talk, hold a hand and say goodbye. Tell them ahead of time what to expect.
What Can Wait
You don't have to find the perfect words before you start. You don't need answers about heaven, money or next year. You don't have to read every book or make every keepsake. You can stop the conversation and pick it back up tomorrow.
The paperwork after a death can wait too. When you're ready, Social Security may pay survivor benefits to children after a parent dies. If you're a young widow or widower, our post Widowed Young: The First Year may help, even if your family isn't military. And if you'll be raising children on your own, Widowed Young With Children: The First Year is written for you, for any family.
Help for Your Children, and for You
You don't have to do this alone. Hospice care includes grief support for the family, and under Medicare's hospice rules it continues for up to a year after a death. Ask that it include your children. Every hospice team includes a social worker and offers counseling, so ask whether someone can help you plan this conversation, or even be there for it.
The National Alliance for Children's Grief keeps a map of children's grief centers and camps across the country, and Eluna runs free Camp Erin grief camps for children, teens and families.
And I wrote a set of books for exactly this time, for you and for them.
You're Allowed to Cry in Front of Them
You may worry that you'll fall apart. You might. When you let them see your feelings, and what you're doing to cope with them, you teach them that grief is safe. Your tears tell them that love this big is supposed to hurt, and that you can hurt together.
You won't get every word right. No one does. What your children will remember is that you told them the truth, that you stayed close, and that they never had to face it alone.
More Help
- Helping Children and Teens When Someone They Love Is in Hospice
- Helping Children Understand Hospice and Death
- Supporting a Grieving Teen: What Parents Need to Know
- When a Child Loses a Parent: A Complete Guide for Families
- How to Write a Legacy Letter
- All our free printables
Please note: This post shares general information, checked against the Dougy Center, the National Cancer Institute, the American Cancer Society, the National Library of Medicine, KidsHealth, published research, and government and court sources in October 2026. It is not medical, mental health or legal advice. For your own family, talk with your hospice or medical team, a children's grief counselor, your child's doctor, or a family law attorney.
If you or your child is in crisis, call or text 988, any time (press 2 for Spanish). In an emergency, call 911.
These resources are free, always. If this helped your family and you'd like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift.
With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed