If you only have a moment
Veterans Day can bring up grief for the people you served with, guilt, or memories you'd rather leave alone, and a thank-you can land wrong. You don't have to go to the parade or the ceremony; you can spend the day in whatever way feels right to you. There are people who understand, many of them veterans, ready to listen whenever you want to talk.
For most of the country, November 11 is a parade, a long weekend or a sale. For you, it might be the day an old group text from the people you served with lights up your phone, and you notice whose names aren't on it anymore.
I'm not a veteran. My husband was, in the Navy, and he never saw combat, so I won't pretend to know what you carry. What I've learned from years of making guides for veteran families is that a day built to honor you can still land hard, and that very few people write to the veteran about that.
This one is for you. It's about grieving the ones you served with, thank-yous that feel hollow, memories that wake up this time of year, skipping the events, and spending the day in a way that's yours. You'll also find the people who answer the phone and understand.
Jump to: Why it can hurt · "Thank you for your service" · You don't have to go · Your way · The ones you served with · Old memories · People who get it · Every veteran
Why a Day Meant for You Can Hurt
Some of it is grief. You may be missing a friend who died downrange, one who came home and died years later, or one you lost to suicide. According to VA's PTSD center, grief often rolls in like waves, and for some people it eases only slowly, over many years. A holiday built around service can bring every one of those faces back at once.
Some of it is the calendar itself. VA calls these anniversary reactions: dates, holidays and ceremonies can stir up old feelings, poor sleep and a keyed-up, on-guard feeling, sometimes years after the fact. Even dreading the day can stir things up before it arrives.
And some of it is harder to name. VA describes moral injury as lasting distress after something that went against your values, whether you did it, couldn't stop it or saw it happen. Guilt, shame, anger and a sense of betrayal are common with it. If a day of thank-yous makes you want to hide, that may be part of why. It isn't a weakness.
When "Thank You for Your Service" Lands Wrong
You're not the only one who squirms. In a 2023 survey of more than 1,600 veterans and service members by USAA, Endeavor Analytics and YouGov, about half said the phrase makes them feel uncomfortable or awkward. Among veterans 18 to 29, it was nearly 70 percent. Only those 65 and older said they mostly welcomed it, Military Times reported.
Have a line ready. Most people mean well and just don't know what else to say. A short answer you've chosen ahead of time can carry you through a checkout line:
- "Thanks. I appreciate that."
- "Thank you. I'm thinking about a friend I served with today."
- "Thanks. If you want to do something, check on a veteran you know."
You don't owe a story. If someone asks what you did or where you were, "I'd rather not get into it today" is a complete answer. So is changing the subject.
You Don't Have to Go
Some veterans love the ceremony. Others can't stand the crowds, the speeches or the folded flags. VA lists staying away from people, places and events that bring it all back as one of the most common anniversary reactions. Skipping the parade doesn't make you ungrateful or unpatriotic.
If you do want to go, you can make it easier on yourself. Go with someone who gets it. Sit near the back or an exit. Decide ahead of time that you can leave whenever you want, and then let yourself leave.
VA's own advice is to "cope ahead": plan the day before it comes, instead of white-knuckling it. It suggests taking breaks from the news and social media, which fill up with flags and tributes all week.
Spending the Day Your Way
There's no right way to mark it. VA suggests choosing things that give you a break from the memories or make the day mean something, like visiting a grave, giving blood, helping someone or spending time with family.
A few more ideas. Take any that suit you.
A quiet day. Fishing, a long drive, a workshop, a walk with the dog. An ordinary day is a fine way to honor it.
A small ritual. Raise a cup of coffee to the ones who aren't here. Put on an old unit shirt. Write their names on a card and keep it in your pocket.
A call. Call or text one person you served with. You might be the call they needed.
Work. Some people go in on purpose because routine helps. That counts too.
Remembering the Ones You Served With
For many veterans, the hardest part of the day isn't about them at all. It's about the people who didn't make it home, or made it home and didn't make it much further.
Visit them, near or far. VA's Nationwide Gravesite Locator can help you find where a friend is buried. If you can't get there, the Veterans Legacy Memorial has an online page for many veterans buried with VA headstones or in VA, state and military cemeteries. Friends can add a memory or a photo, and VA reviews each one before it posts.
Write it down. A story about a friend, told by someone who was there, is a gift to their family and to history. Honor and Memory: A Veteran's Story Journal gives you pages to fill in slowly, and How to Record a Veteran's Story explains how your own story, friends and all, can be kept at the Library of Congress.
If you lost a friend to suicide. VA says people grieving a suicide often wonder whether they missed a sign, and they may feel guilt or shame. Those feelings can come back on holidays and anniversaries. The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) is open to everyone who is grieving a person who served, and its list of survivors includes battle buddies. Its helpline, 800-959-8277, is staffed around the clock. To find a suicide loss group near you, try the support group directory kept by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
When Old Memories Wake Up
If the nightmares, the jumpiness or the short temper come back around November, you're not going backward. VA says this is common, and most people feel better within a week or two of the date.
If it lasts longer, or it's getting in the way of your life, treatment works, even when the trouble starts years later. If you've had help before, going back for a few sessions isn't starting over. VA also suggests downloading its free PTSD Coach or Mindfulness Coach app before the day comes.
For guilt or shame that feels moral or spiritual, VA suggests starting with a mental health provider or a chaplain, whichever feels right to you. With faith or without it, that conversation can begin wherever you are.
If you're older and these memories are coming back for the first time in decades, you're not alone in that either. When Old War Memories Come Back Near the End of Life was written with you and your family in mind.
People Who Get It
You don't have to explain yourself to these folks. That's the point.
Vet Centers. Vet Centers are VA's readjustment counseling centers, and VA says their counseling is free and strictly confidential, for individuals, couples, families and groups. You may qualify if you served in a combat zone, experienced military sexual trauma (in any era), cared for war casualties or did mortuary work, served on a drone crew supporting combat, or were activated for a national emergency or a governor's disaster call-up, among other reasons. Call 877-927-8387 day or night, and they'll connect you with the nearest center. VA says the people answering include combat veterans and family members of veterans. In rural areas, ask about one of VA's 83 Mobile Vet Centers.
A peer specialist. If you get VA health care, ask your provider about Peer Support Services. VA peer specialists are veterans themselves, trained and certified, who have been through their own mental health recovery.
Other veterans' stories. VA's Make the Connection has videos of more than 700 veterans of every era talking honestly about things like guilt and the death of friends. Sometimes hearing someone else say it out loud is the first step.
The Veterans Crisis Line. Enrollment in VA isn't required, and the line also serves Guard and Reserve members and your loved ones. Dial 988, then press 1, text 838255, or chat online. Deaf and hard of hearing veterans can text or chat.
Every Veteran Counts on This Day
VA says its national ceremony is meant to honor "all who served." That means you, whatever your service looked like.
Women veterans. If people assume your husband is the veteran, or you've never quite called yourself one, you're in good company. In one study VA shared, only 37 percent of women veterans felt recognized, respected and valued as veterans in civilian life. VA's Women Veterans Call Center takes calls and texts at 855-829-6636, whether or not you've ever used VA.
LGBTQ+ veterans. If you served while hiding who you were, or were pushed out because of it, this day can carry a different kind of weight. In a January 2025 legal settlement, the Defense Department agreed to review less-than-honorable discharges given under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" without a new application, and to open a way to ask for an upgrade, Air Force Times reported. The Modern Military Association of America has local chapters where LGBTQ+ veterans can find each other.
If your discharge wasn't honorable. VA says the Veterans Crisis Line serves you whatever your discharge or how long you served. VA has also said that former service members with other-than-honorable discharges can get care for a mental health emergency, and can ask a VA medical center or Vet Center for help. If you served 100 days in a combat zone or experienced military sexual trauma, you may also qualify for ongoing mental health care and free care in a suicidal crisis. Care for military sexual trauma doesn't require an honorable discharge or a minimum length of service, and you don't need proof that it happened. A discharge upgrade is worth asking about, too. Our guide When a Veteran's Discharge Wasn't Honorable explains more.
Guard and Reserve. Maybe you drilled for years, filled sandbags in a flood or stood ready and never got the call. Since 2016, Guard and Reserve members who earned a 20-year retirement are honored as veterans even without a long federal activation, the Army reported. The title doesn't come with new benefits, but it's yours.
Peacetime service. "I didn't do anything special" is something many veterans tell themselves. You raised your hand and served. VA's ceremony doesn't ask where or when.
Español. VA keeps a Spanish-language help page, and our printable has a Spanish edition.
If you're grieving at home too. If the veteran you miss most is your spouse, parent or child, our families' guide, When Veterans Day Is Hard, is for you, and it holds a place for veterans who are grieving one of their own.
My Veterans Day: A Plan for a Day That's Hard
For: veterans of any branch, era or discharge, and Guard and Reserve members, who dread November 11 or another hard date (2 pages)
What's inside: the names you're carrying, how you'll spend the day, your line for the thank-yous, an exit plan for events, signs it's more than a hard day, and who to call.
What Can Wait
Telling anyone the whole story. Going back to the ceremony you skipped. Joining a veterans group. Calling every friend on the list. Deciding what to do with old medals or uniforms. Figuring out next year.
Not one of these has a deadline. The day will come around again next November, and you can decide differently then.
You Don't Owe Anyone a Ceremony
You served. That was the hard part, and you already did it. How you spend one day in November doesn't add to it or take away from it.
So let the day be loud or quiet, crowded or alone. Say the names you need to say. And if the weight gets heavy, reach for one of the people above. They're there because they understand what it is to carry it.
For hospices, Vet Center partners and funeral homes: print as many copies of My Veterans Day as you like and give them to the veterans you serve, including the veterans on your own staff.
More Help
- When Veterans Day Is Hard (for grieving families)
- When Old War Memories Come Back Near the End of Life
- When a Veteran's Discharge Wasn't Honorable
- From the Comrades: Poems in the Voice of a Fellow Veteran
- Honor and Memory: A Veteran's Story Journal
- Questions to Ask a Veteran This Veterans Day (to share with your family)
Please note: This is general information, checked in November 2026 with the National Center for PTSD, VA, TAPS and the other sources linked above. Nothing here replaces advice from a doctor, counselor, lawyer or benefits expert. For your own situation, reach out to a Vet Center, your VA provider, a counselor, or a Veterans Service Officer who is VA-accredited. Phone numbers and programs sometimes change.
Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988, then press 1; text 838255; or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net. In an emergency, call 911.
These resources are free, always. If this helped your family and you'd like to say thank you, you can leave a small gift.
With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed