Questions to Ask a Veteran This Veterans Day (and the Ones to Let Them Bring Up)

Every November, a lot of us say "thank you for your service" and then don't know what to say next. The moment passes. The veteran nods. And the stories stay where they've always been, inside them.

So much of what I make at Noted & Charmed is for veteran families, and the question I hear most isn't about benefits or honors. It's simpler than that: How do I get them to talk, and how do I keep from saying the wrong thing? My husband was a Navy veteran, and I know how easy it is to believe there will always be another holiday to ask.

So here are good questions to bring to the table this Veterans Day, a few to leave alone, and what to do if a conversation turns somewhere tender. None of it needs to be perfect. It just needs to start.

Jump to: Easy first questions · Deeper questions · Ones to let them raise · Better than thank you · If it turns tender · Every veteran's story · Keeping their stories · For teachers · What can wait

Start With the Easy Ones

The best first questions are the ones anyone could answer without bracing for them. They tell the veteran you're curious about them as a person, not looking for war stories.

Where it began. Which branch did you join, and why that one? What made you sign up? Where did you go to basic, and what do you remember about the first week?

The job. What did you actually do all day? Military jobs go far beyond combat, from cooks and mechanics to medics, pilots and radio operators. Ask what they were good at and what they found most rewarding.

The people. Who was your best buddy? Did you have a nickname? Is there anyone you still keep in touch with?

The lighter side. What was the funniest thing that happened in uniform? What was the food really like? What did you do for fun on your time off? These questions often open the door to the rest.

The places. Where were you stationed? What surprised you most about being far from home? If you have a map, let them point.

When You Know Them a Little Better

Once the stories are flowing, some deeper questions can come naturally. Retired Army Lt. Gen. David Barno and defense scholar Dr. Nora Bensahel, who have written about this for years, suggest saving these for when trust is already there.

What's the most important thing the service taught you? What are you proudest of? What was coming home like? What do you wish people understood about veterans? What would you tell a young person thinking about joining?

And one of my favorites, because it hands them the wheel: Is there a story you've always wanted us to know?

The Ones to Let Them Bring Up

Some questions feel natural to ask and land hard. They aren't forbidden subjects. They're just theirs to open, in their own time, or never.

"Did you ever kill anyone?" Wounded Warrior Project, hospice teams and veterans who write about this all agree: don't ask it. It can bring up guilt or grief that a dinner table isn't ready for.

"What's the worst thing you saw?" Ask about the best friend, the proudest moment or the funniest day instead. If they want to tell you about the hard parts, they will.

"Do you have PTSD?" Most veterans don't, and the question can make them feel seen as damaged. If mental health comes up, let it be because they raised it.

"How did you get hurt?" An injury or a missing limb is theirs to explain. Wounded Warrior Project notes that even phrasing matters: asking how a prosthetic works feels very different from asking how they lost the leg.

"Was it worth it?" or "Should we have been there?" Questions about whether the war was right, or about politics, put a veteran in an unfair spot. Let them share their views if they choose to.

"I almost joined, but..." It's well meant, but it turns the moment toward you. Stay with their story.

Something Better Than "Thank You"

"Thank you for your service" is kind, and many veterans are glad to hear it. Some find it a little empty, because it's said so quickly. Barno and Bensahel suggest making it specific: thank them for the years away from family, for putting their life on hold, or for choosing to serve when most people don't. Then ask one real question, and listen to the answer.

If the Conversation Turns Tender

Sometimes a light question opens a heavy door. You don't have to fix anything. Just stay.

The Library of Congress, which collects veterans' stories for its Veterans History Project, says it plainly: the veteran's comfort always comes first, and it's fine to pause or stop whenever they want. You can say, "We can stop here, or come back to this another day." Then turn to something lighter, like an old photo or a funny story.

For some veterans, memories of their service come back more often later in life, even after decades of doing fine. Researchers who study aging veterans found that retirement, illness and losing a spouse or old friends can stir them up. Our post When Old War Memories Come Back Near the End of Life explains more, and the short card When the Past Comes Back can help the whole family understand (en español).

If you're worried about them after a conversation, the Veterans Crisis Line is there for families and friends too, even if the veteran isn't enrolled in VA care: dial 988, then press 1, or text 838255.

Every Veteran Has a Story

Women veterans. VA itself has said that women's service has too often gone unrecognized. Don't assume the man at the table is the veteran, or ask a woman whether her husband served. Ask her.

Guard, Reserve and peacetime veterans. Stateside, overseas, a few years or a whole career: if they served, the questions above are for them too. "I didn't do anything special" usually means there's a story waiting.

A veteran whose memory is fading. Follow their story instead of correcting it, and skip "Do you remember when...?" Doctors at Ohio State's Wexner Medical Center advise against quizzing or arguing with someone who has dementia. A photo or a song from their service years can say more than a question.

A veteran who is Deaf or hard of hearing. Sit face to face in good light, write questions down, or ask in their own language. A recorded video in ASL can be kept just like a voice recording.

A family that speaks Spanish. The Ten Questions card comes in Spanish, in regular and large print, so a grandparent and grandchild can each read in the language that feels like home.

A veteran who would rather not talk about it. That's an answer too, and it deserves respect. You can still ask about the life around the service: the hometown, the first car, how they met the people they love.

If your veteran has died. Veterans Day honors everyone who served, living and gone, and VA marks Memorial Day for those who died in service. If the person you'd most want to ask is gone, ask the people who knew them: their siblings, their friends, the buddy who still calls. Write down what they tell you. And if the day itself is hard for you, When Veterans Day Is Hard was written with your family in mind.

Keep What They Tell You

The stories you hear this November are worth keeping. With their okay, record the conversation on a phone, or write the answers down that night while they're fresh.

If you'd like a gentle way to do that, our free Sitting Down With Your Veteran: A Helper's Page covers getting ready, follow-up questions and what to do if emotions come up (en español). For a veteran who'd like to write their own story a little at a time, there's Honor and Memory: A Veteran's Story Journal, free as a PDF and as a paperback on Amazon.

The Library of Congress welcomes interviews done by family members, by anyone 15 or older, from veterans of every era since World War I, combat or not. Our guide How to Record a Veteran's Story for the Veterans History Project walks you through it step by step.

For Teachers and Youth Leaders

If your students are interviewing veterans this month, our one-page Interviewing a Veteran: A Kind Classroom Guide covers inviting a veteran, good questions and ones to leave for them, and making room for students whose own families are hurting. Schools, libraries and veterans groups are welcome to print and share any of these pages at no charge.

What Can Wait

You don't need the whole story this year. You don't need a list, a recorder or the perfect question. The big stories, the hard ones and the ones they've never told anyone can wait for another visit, or stay theirs forever. One good conversation is enough for one Veterans Day.

Just Ask

Most veterans aren't waiting for a parade. They're waiting for someone to be curious. Pour the coffee, pull up a chair, and ask one question you've never asked before. Then listen like it matters, because it does.

More Help

• When Veterans Day Is Hard (for families whose veteran has died)
• Honor and Memory: A Veteran's Story Journal
• How to Record a Veteran's Story for the Veterans History Project
• When Old War Memories Come Back Near the End of Life
• Veterans Day Poems: Short, Thank-You & Acrostic Poems
• When a Younger Veteran Is in Hospice
• All our free printables

Please note: This post offers general information and conversation ideas. It is not medical, mental health or benefits advice, and it doesn't replace VA, a counselor or an accredited Veterans Service Officer. Programs and contacts change, so please confirm before you act.

Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988, then press 1; text 838255; or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed