The Flag at a Military Funeral: What It Means and What to Expect

Maybe the funeral is days away and someone has just asked, "Who's getting the flag?" Maybe you've seen the folded triangle in other families' homes your whole life and never knew how it got there. Or maybe you're the one who will be handed it, and you're quietly afraid of falling apart in front of everyone.

My husband was a Navy veteran. I know how much a few minutes at a funeral can come to mean, and how little anyone explains beforehand.

So here is the flag's whole journey, from the casket or urn to your hands and home, in plain words. You don't have to know any of it by heart. You only have to be there.

Jump to: Getting the flag · On the casket or urn · The folding · The presentation · Bringing it home · Taking care of you

Before the Service: Getting the Flag

The flag is free. The VA provides a burial flag for most veterans who left the service under conditions other than dishonorable. The funeral director usually takes care of it. If you need to get it yourself, fill out VA Form 27-2008 and take it to a VA regional office or a post office. Call the post office first, because not every one keeps burial flags on hand.

There is only one, and it can't be replaced. The law allows one flag for a veteran's funeral, and the VA can't replace it if it's lost, damaged or stolen. That's worth knowing before it goes home with anyone.

Know who comes first. Under VA rules, the flag goes to the next of kin in this order: a husband or wife; then the children, oldest first; then parents (including adoptive, step and foster parents); then brothers and sisters; then other relatives such as aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins or grandparents, but not in-laws. If no relative claims it, a close friend who helped with the arrangements can ask for it.

Talk it through before the day. In a blended family, after a divorce, or when several grown children each hope to hold it, feelings can run high. Agree ahead of time, then tell the funeral director who will receive the flag, so the honor guard knows exactly where to walk. A graveside is a hard place to sort it out.

If your loved one died on active duty, the military, not the VA, provides the flag, and other close family such as parents may be presented flags too. Your casualty assistance officer will explain who receives one.

If the flag you're given has a flaw, such as a bad seam or a stain, the funeral director can return it to the post office it came from to exchange it before the service.

On the Casket or With the Urn

On a casket, the flag lies with the blue field of stars at the head, over your loved one's left shoulder. The U.S. Flag Code says it should not be lowered into the grave or allowed to touch the ground, which is why the honor guard lifts it away before burial.

At a viewing with the casket open, the flag is displayed a little differently. Your funeral director will know how and will drape it once the casket is closed.

With an urn, the flag usually arrives already folded and is carried in beside the urn. Once the urn is in place, the honor guard unfolds the flag, holds it over the urn, and the rest of the ceremony happens just as it would with a casket.

The Folding

It comes after Taps. Two members of the honor guard hold the flag taut and level, then fold it, slowly and in silence. It takes 13 triangular folds to make the familiar shape, with only the blue field and white stars showing. The shape is said to recall the three-cornered hats worn in the American Revolution.

About the "13 folds" meanings. You may have seen a script that gives each fold a meaning: life, eternal life, the veteran, the country, the Armed Forces, mothers and fathers, God, and finally "In God We Trust." Many families find comfort in it. It's good to know that it isn't official military ceremony, and no one knows for sure who first wrote it.

You can ask for it to be read, or not. At VA national cemeteries, a family may ask for the 13-fold script, or other words they choose, to be read while the flag is folded. The family brings the words, and a volunteer honor guard reads them. Elsewhere, ask your funeral director what the honor guard can do. The script mentions God and both Jewish and Christian faith, so if your veteran held a different faith or none, you can choose other words, or simply silence.

The Presentation

Who presents it. A uniformed member of your veteran's own branch carries the folded flag to the person receiving it. They stand facing you, hold it waist high with the straight edge toward you, and lean or kneel close.

The words. Since 2012, the Department of Defense has used the same words at every honors ceremony, with your veteran's branch in the middle:

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States [Navy], and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service."

If you're the one receiving it, you don't have to say anything. Take it in both hands and hold it however feels right. A nod is enough. So are tears. If you'd like someone beside you, ask them ahead of time to sit close.

If it would be too much, you can ask that the flag go to someone else in the family, or that it be presented to you privately afterward. Tell the funeral director, and they'll pass it along.

After the Service: Bringing It Home

You don't have to decide anything yet. Many families set the flag somewhere safe for weeks or months before choosing what to do. Keep it folded, indoors, and out of direct sun.

Don't fly it outside. The burial flag is large and made of cotton, and the VA says it isn't suited to outdoor display. Weather would wear it out quickly.

A display case. Most families choose a triangular flag case, or a shadow box with room for medals, a photo and a dog tag. If your veteran was cremated, there are cases that sit with an urn.

Write down its story. Tuck a note into the case or tape it to the back: whose flag this was, their branch, the date and place of the service, and who received it. Years from now, a grandchild will be glad to know.

Sharing it with the cemetery. Some national cemeteries have an Avenue of Flags, where families donate their loved one's burial flag to fly on patriotic holidays. If that appeals to you, ask the cemetery whether it has one.

If more than one person wants a flag, the VA can only issue one. Some families buy a second cotton burial flag made to the same size, and some have a flag flown over the U.S. Capitol in their veteran's honor through their member of Congress, then give it to another child or grandchild.

If it ever becomes worn or damaged, it doesn't go in the trash. American Legion and VFW posts, and many Scout troops, hold flag retirement ceremonies and will gently take care of it for you.

Taking Care of You

For many people, the moment the flag is placed in their hands is the moment it all becomes real. If that happens to you, let it. There is nothing to get right. The honor guard has stood in front of many grieving families, and they will wait for you.

When You're Ready for the Program

If you're making the funeral program, a short line about the flag at the end of the order of service helps guests understand what they're seeing. Our free Military Honors at the Service page has wording you can copy right in. Our Military & Patriotic templates have room for their branch and years of service, and you can edit them in Canva.

More Help

• Step-by-Step: What Happens at a Military Funeral
• Military Funeral Honors: Who Qualifies and How to Arrange Them
• Taps at a Military Funeral: What It Means and What to Expect
• Personalizing a Military Funeral While Honoring Tradition
• How to Plan a Military Funeral: A Family Guide
• Military and Veteran Obituary Examples

Please note: This is general information, not legal or benefits advice. Ceremonies vary by branch, honor guard and cemetery. For your family's situation, please check with your funeral director, the cemetery, the VA (800-827-1000), or an accredited Veterans Service Officer. Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988, then press 1; text 838255; or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net. In an emergency, call 911.

With care,
C. Lindorfer, Noted & Charmed